Vania C: Journal Entry #05
For this journal entry, I wrote The Absence of Certainty, which is a short story that depicts my interpretation of a quote by Tom Clancy referring to the difference between fiction and reality.
The Absence of Certainty (by Vania Carrissaputri)
I believed that with success, happiness would follow close behind it. I am very grateful that my latest work gained the media’s attention and has good publicity. I am proud of myself for it. With the success of the book, Emerald, I can definitely say that I am grateful. Happiness, however, I don’t think so.
Is this naive thought of mine really one to blame? Maybe I got caught up in my own fictional world—a world I carefully constructed to gain the hearts of readers out there. Have I forgotten that real life is full of unpredictable events and uncertainty? I suppose that is highly likely.
I confided in my wife, Wren, about it. She gave me the smile that she would give when she agrees but refuses to explicitly mention it. We got engaged in a lengthy, deep conversation. She opened my eyes a little bit about the situation. In the end, she said that I shouldn’t focus solely on how bad it is, but to think of its solution. At least one that could end this agony.
She said, “I think one of the reasons why your book gained its success is because you really put your mind to it. I was there through it, remember? I watched as you developed each character thoroughly. I listened as you rambled about the world that your characters live in. With your vehement ambition and determination, I think it’s possible for you to get sucked into what you have created.”
“Since you mapped everything about Emerald, it may have slipped your mind that real life doesn’t work the way fiction does,” she added.
My book’s progress went smoothly, and I suppose it made me feel like I had control over it. It’s like after I had done this, this will follow, and it did. It went on until my book got to its current place. I liked it a lot. I liked feeling like that. I may have gotten too comfortable with it.
“What are you feeling now, Ned?” she asked when I turned quiet.
“A little frustrated because I don’t have the same control that I have over my creation. I’m not happy. Well, I’m happy with you, but I’m not happy with everything else. You’re right, Wren, about everything you said.”
Visiting Mom and Dad has become a thing that I do on weekends because ever since last year, my parents are always arguing, which is so unhealthy. I don’t know if they’re aware of this, but it is affecting their children. It’s crushing me because it makes me feel like I have this unbearable burden upon my shoulders. Sometimes, I cry with my little sister, Madison, in her room. She’s still in high school and the stress of the family is getting to her as well. This doesn’t come as a surprise for me because it does feel like it’s too much. I know she’s a smart girl, but I’m afraid that this problem will push her to make irresponsible choices that I dare not think of.
“Mads, don’t hesitate to call me, okay? If you need anything, you know I’m a ring away. You shouldn’t go through this alone,” I told her.
What I hate the most about this problem is that everything seemed fine before. No hints, no signals, nothing that would indicate that something is going on with my parents. Suddenly, when winter was coming to an end, I started getting calls from Madison. She would be crying on the other side of the phone, and I couldn’t assist her at times. When I’m too caught up on writing, Wren soothed her. There are times when I feel like I should see a shrink because this issue is bothering me a lot.
I have no control over it. There is little that I can do to handle it. The only thing I could do is to be with Madison and Wren because that is the only thing that proved most helpful. I will try to find a solution. I should just try and not complain, but it is overwhelming.
I have heard stories and cases before about family problems, but I didn’t think that it could affect someone this much. This family problem is the reason why I’m not happy. I didn’t think that the day when I witness my family crumbling will come. Money won’t solve anything. What they argue about is about their relationship, and I don’t know how to fix it.
When I learned that my book was doing well, I told my family about it. I wanted to give it a try. I planned to celebrate it with them to remind them that they can live in harmony again the way they did before this problem surfaced. Their reactions were lovely.
“What’s this? Emerald by Ned Harrington?” Dad paused to look at me. “I’m proud of you son. Good job.” He gave me a hug.
Mom’s reaction was a bit more dramatic. She cried tears of joy. “I love you so much, Ned. I can’t express how proud I am.”
However, that night turned to chaos. I orchestrated the dinner to celebrate my book at the house. Things were going fine at first. Then Mom said something which triggered my dad. The next thing you know there were plates flying across the room. It was a horrifying scene to be in, so I took Madison to my apartment and called Wren to come over. We were yet to be married at that time, so we weren’t living together. I forbid Madison to go back to the house, so she stayed the night. It ended up fine, but the memory of it was not nice.
I received a call from Madison this morning. She said things almost got physical. When they found out that Madison was peeking, Dad slammed the door on her face.
“As cliche as it sounds, this is driving me crazy.”
“I know, Ned, I know. It’s okay.”
“Babe, what should I do?” I ask as I rest my head on her shoulder.
She stays silent for a while. “It would be nice to start fresh, wouldn’t it?”
I think about what she says. Everything would be new. New perspectives, new and improved behaviors, everything. It will be like opening a new chapter of my life. “Yes. Wren, I do think that it would be very nice.”
I appreciate Wren’s attempt to take my mind off it. Nevertheless, it is easier said than done. My mind and my feelings are like a shipwreck. I should stop overthinking and start finding solutions, but these voices won’t shut up. I don’t know exactly what to do. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know whether the solution I think of will prove to be effective. What is it that I know of?
I know that things will end up fine for the lead in Emerald. How will I know how things will end with Ned Harrington?
