There is little I love more than otherwise competent characters trying and failing and still trying to do things they're not very good at. Inspired by M9A!Essek's attempted caretaking of Deirta, here's a list of 13 fics in which TS!Essek thinks about or actively tries to give care and comfort to others.
All fics below are from Touching Sentiments and have been arranged in chronological order.
Enjoy! 💜
And Like Blooming Seeds From Dark We'll Reach
G, Shadowgast, 14.2k
In which Essek ruminates on his likeness to Trent Ikithon and deems himself a danger and terrible friend
Keep Me Alive, Make Me Cold
T (rated for violence), Shadowgast, 7.4k
In which Essek fumes about his inability to keep Caleb alive
Of Course It Would Work
T (rated for emotional content), Shadowgast, 7.8k
In which Essek witnesses Caleb having a panic attack for the first time
In Which Essek and Veth Reconcile a Bit
G, Essek & Veth, 499
In which Essek gifts Veth a care package
A Hundred Mini Dreams and a Healing Scar
T (rated for sensual content), Shadowgast, 15k
In which Essek learns a bit about what care means to Caleb
The Bluebottle Thrower
T (rated for Jester-typical sexual content), Jessties, 2.5k
In which Essek and Jester save several bluebottles from the beach
mollified
G, Essek & Kingsley, 865
In which Essek distracts King from bad dreams
Thrice Makes a Pattern
G, Essek & Luc, 949
In which Essek spends five harrowing minutes alone with Luc Brenatto
Stay Here Beside Me
M (rated for sexual content), Shadowgast, 36k
In which Essek doubts his ability to care for Caleb as a full person while also, unrelatedly, coming to terms with his burgeoning feelings of attraction towards Caleb
Undoing, Forthcoming
M (rated for sexual content), Shadowgast, 2.9k
In which Essek and Caleb partake in aftercare following a minor embarrassment
You Heal Me Back Just Like the Moon
T (rated for emotional content), Shadowgast, 2.4k
In which Essek helps Caleb through a bad night
Like a Diamond to the Rough
G, Shadowgast, 6.3k
In which Essek makes himself an anchor while Caleb revisits home
As part of the ruling following Zeenoth's trial in 836 PD, the Cobalt Soul seized assets of his estate. The Valley Archive incorporated seized properties into itself and repurposed them into facilities for both the public and staff. One property, a tweihouse one block from the Valley Archive, serves as staff housing.
While based in Zadash, Beau moved out of the Valley Archive dorms and into the house in 837 PD along with Yasha, Caleb, and, less officially, Essek. They occupied the house until late 839 PD.
Loosely inspired by this post and prompted by @disastergenius, here is a non-exhaustive list of common storytelling markers that, either alone or in combination, often indicate a dynamic is intended as romantic. I have broken down each item for TS!SG in terms of engagement, exclusivity, and reasoning.
Engagement: whether or not they do the thing
Exclusivity: a common throughline of 'romantic' dynamics (i.e. they Only do this with each other)
Reasoning: why they do or don’t do the thing
Some background for Touching Sentiments: I assume most people dislike being touched by people they hate and like being touched by people they love. What if, once he genuinely likes the Nein, Essek still frequently dislikes their touch despite craving it at the same time? This is TS’s premise and flavors how Essek and Caleb engage in their relationship in the series. Different markers apply (if at all) at different points in the TS timeline, so this is the general vibe around 1.5 to 2 years post-C2.
See below!
Relationship labeling: yes and no
Exclusivity: none
Various terms apply to Caleb and Essek’s relationship (friendship, companionship, partnership, kinship, to name a few) and so they opt to leave it unlabeled, generally referring to the concept of their relationship as ‘this’ or ‘us’ when speaking to each other.
‘Define the relationship’ talks: yes
Exclusivity: none
This one is established directly on-stream (see Caleb’s ‘we are, friends, now’ feeling out Essek’s familiarity in ep 77 as well as their talk on the tower’s ninth floor in episode 133). In TS, their footing changes often, especially at the beginning as they get comfortable in one another’s daily lives.
Feelings confessions: yes
Exclusivity: none
Related to the above, the Nein as a whole frequently share the fact they are fond of each other and only rarely is it treated as a revelation. Essek, when capable of articulating his feelings, will often express them either in a stumbling rush or a matter-of-fact way. Caleb tends to keep his affections to himself unless he deems them necessary, beneficial, or useful to express.
Saying ‘I love you’: no
Exclusivity: n/a
Out of universe, they don’t say ‘I love you’ verbatim because I have banned myself from writing it. In universe, ‘I love you’ said by Caleb to Essek or by Essek to anyone is a question, not a declaration. It does not clarify; it is a request for clarification. It is a less clumsy ‘do you feel loved by me?’ or a succinct ‘am i loving you right?’. ‘Love’ in terms of emotion is a vague word to them and they prefer to be more precise.
Flirting for fun: yes
Exclusivity: none
They both find it entertaining to tease, compliment, and fluster the other, but this is not exclusive in any direction in the Mighty Nein’s dynamics. Caleb’s style aligns the most with Essek’s tastes. (Rather, Caleb can/does mold his flirtations to Essek’s tastes.) Essek’s style involves intense staring and layered language, and is largely misinterpreted by all but Caleb and, much to her chagrin, Beau. (e.g. Essek may flirtatiously compliment Caleb’s dexterity when Caleb successfully counterspells- most of the Nein would assume the flirtation only lies in his observation of Caleb’s casting reflexes (physical) when it’s actually also an implied compliment on Caleb’s quick thinking (intellectual).)
Flirting for romance/sex: kind of
Exclusivity: None in concept, yes in practice
Essek is not typically receptive to flirtation when the one flirting with him is just after a sense of ‘romance’ or a sexual encounter. Though neither Caleb nor Essek are opposed to being flirted with by the Nein, none of them do so with Caleb or Essek for romance/sex reasons save for Kingsley on occasion.
Terms of endearment: yes and no
Exclusivity: none*
Prolonged mouth kissing: yes
Their terms of endearment for each other are primarily ‘Caleb Widogast’ and ‘Essek (in a fond tone, no Thelyss)’. Their names are very important to themselves. Essek acknowledges the time and effort and care and kindness and strength it took to foster Caleb into *Caleb*. Caleb acknowledges Essek as an individual, untethered from courtly contexts and familial expectations. ‘Essek’ alone is a new start.
Caleb knows what it’s like to inhabit a floating identity and wants to reassure Essek he sees him underneath any name, and so he teases Essek over having multiple aliases. Under the guise of adding to Essek’s running list of aliases, he tries out a few pet names (e.g. ‘Schatz’, ‘Schmusekatze’, ‘dearheart’). ‘Dear’ is established in canon, and TS!Essek gains ‘dear’ as a result of the aforementioned teasing. This one sticks because Essek appreciates the fondness it conveys, like an anonymized greeting in a letter.
Caleb also calls Essek ‘my friend’. This is not an exclusive endearment, but he uses it most often when directly speaking to Essek.
Essek thinks of Caleb in fond Undercommon terms, but he tends not to say them out loud.
*Essek fullnames the members of the Nein as terms of endearment, so they usually don’t register it.
Exclusivity: none in concept, yes in practice
Essek in canon frequently touches his lips while thinking, so in TS I've extrapolated that into TS!Essek enjoying his lips being touched. Physicality aside, between Caleb and Essek, kissing on the mouth represents voluntary vulnerability. They can’t efficiently/secretly cast most spells while engaged and it is a distracting activity besides. Kissing on the lips also becomes a means to determine each other’s emotional state.
Neither Caleb nor Essek are entirely opposed to being kissed by the rest of the Nein, but no one’s genuinely asked.
Hand holding: yes
Exclusivity: none
Aside from mind and mouth, a wizard’s hands are their most important tools. Both Caleb and Essek readily acknowledge their bloodstained hands, so they enjoy casual hand holding in private as a representation of repurposed weapons forging tenderness instead. They also taunt one another by pinning or otherwise restraining the other’s hands.
Essek frequently holds Yasha’s and Jester’s hands.
Public displays of affection: kind of
Exclusivity: none
The Mighty Nein are a physically affectionate group. Essek prefers to express his affection privately. Caleb follows suit but will sneak a gesture if he thinks he can get away with it.
Cuddling: yes
Exclusivity: none
It’s a low-effort way to enjoy each other’s proximity. They just have to lay there. They don’t even have to talk.
Sensual touch: yes
Exclusivity: some
Given Essek’s ambivalence towards touch, sensual touch is often a trust exercise involving the discovery, exploration, and maintenance of boundaries. He and Caleb are experimentalists and enjoy teasing out effects from their causes.
Nudity: rarely
Exclusivity: none
The Mighty Nein bathe together and will change clothes in each other’s company. Caleb has few qualms about being nude. Essek has many. Caleb tends to stay dressed in Essek’s company unless asked otherwise.
Sex/Sexual touch: yes, depending on the definition
Exclusivity: none in concept, yes in practice
Due to his Kryn cultural upbringing, Essek initially assumes humans (and other short-lived races) think of sex only as a penetrative and/or reproductive act. Caleb and Essek eventually jointly define sex as physical and intellectual play that may or may not involve genitalia or stimulation but does involve some degree of vulnerability and arousal.
Essek rarely wants sex spontaneously or seeks it out in an unestablished dynamic; it doesn’t occur to him. Despite typically enjoying it, sex isn’t something Caleb actively pursues in or out of their relationship because he likes the feeling of pining in a ‘hurts so good’ sort of way.
Shared sleep space: yes
Exclusivity: none
A display of vulnerability, especially from Caleb’s perspective. Caleb trusts Essek to watch his back while Caleb himself is both unconscious and unseeing in the dark. Caleb asleep is usually not disruptive to Essek’s trances.
Cohabitation: yes
Exclusivity: somewhat
Neither Caleb nor Essek mind sharing day-to-day living arrangements with the rest of the Nein. Essek moves around enough that there’s technically no one place he settles for long, but he does end up keeping most of his belongings with Caleb both for practicality and sentiment. Caleb and Essek do periodically share housing with Beauregard and Yasha, though Beauregard and Yasha eventually carve out their own space.
Date activities: no
Exclusivity: n/a
They don’t typically have planned outings with romantic intent. They spend time together when and where they can.
Essek is more likely to go on a platonic date with Jester than a romantic date Caleb.
Matching rings: yes
Exclusivity: none
Caleb and Essek share a pair of silver rings. The rings serve as material components for Telepathy, a spell they worked on together as they were re-reestablishing their relationship. Essek wears his ring on his right hand ring finger. Caleb wears his ring on a chain around his neck.
Engagememt/marriage: no
Exclusivity: n/a
They don’t have much legal ability to wed using Essek’s real identity and they don't need a witnessed ceremony to acknowledge their care for one another. Of anyone, Beauregard is probably who Caleb would place in charge of his estate.
Having children: no
Exclusivity: n/a
Caleb wants to focus on the children of the Empire year by year as a whole, not a single child or a few specific children for their entire lives. However, he is very open to taking on a dedicated godfather, uncle, or mentor role.
Essek doesn’t enjoy the thought of accommodating a child’s needs on a continuous daily basis, nor does he trust himself to raise a person from the ground up. He had a hysterectomy decades ago in part to eliminate the possibility of accidental conception. He is marginally more open to a mentor role, though he probably wouldn’t think of himself as a mentor.
(Lifelong) commitment: yes
Exclusivity: none
Essek commits himself to the Mighty Nein, Caleb and his goals included. Caleb commits himself to bettering the Empire and holding the Nein together.
Extras for funsies:
Non-verbal communication:
Common is TS!Caleb’s second language and TS!Essek’s third. The two of them don’t always have a shared verbal language, especially with matters of the heart and body, so they make their own language using both words and their bodies. This includes Essek’s ability, as a drow, to purr.
After the Telepathy incident, Essek tends to lose speech & freeze up when extremely distressed/overwhelmed, so he eventually uses taps and squeezes to communicate with Caleb when in such a state.
Some aspec easter eggs:
Essek wears a black ring on his right hand middle finger (in universe: teleport anchor to the Nein Heroez II)
Essek briefly describes his relationship with Caleb as a ‘wavership’ (in universe: a possible translation of the Kryn Undercommon term ‘ferede’)
Jester gives Essek a 'best friend squish' (see 'platonic attraction' in previous link) (in universe: she literally squishes him)
Essek likens his internal search for sexual feelings to searching a pond for turtles (in universe: just another one of his metaphors)
is now a good time to state my headcanon that essek's theft of the beacons was a minimal contribution to ludinus's overall plans (in that, aside from the distraction of the war, he only gave lewds like a few months head start and maybe some dunamantic basics, since the assembly would get ahold of the pride's call beacon anyway) and that the part essek actually heavily affected was analysis of exandria's ley lines with that geometer on the top of his towers
Game Rules: Choose one of your characters and list songs that fit them.
.....ok, Essek (but I'll do TS!Essek since the campaign half of my Essek playlist is already public xD)
A Mark on My Soul [Remastered] by Immenence
A knife fic (Aeor Wizard Date) song- Essek's heart is doing very weird things about Caleb's 'betrayal' and now he's probably dying about it
Roardin by Marcela Bovio
Xhorhas Kids talking about what it means to be a person (maybe even a good one)! I have this one set for the first time Essek's on the road with Beau and Yasha between Nicodranas and Zadash
Head Above Water by Olive James
The Nein definitely and totally have their post-canon lives together, for sure. Essek's struggling, but he'll be fine. Probably. (Song for my oldest WIP 🥺)
Noises by Mike Mains & The Branches
Part of 2.5 year angst- put lightly, Essek is fed up with being doted upon after the (recent) terrible things he's totally done
Erase by Immenence
More 2.5 year angst :^) Essek's desperate to get his heart out of his chest and is a littol angery about it :^)
Tagging @ruvi-muffin and @valakiir and anyone else who's itching to share character songs (gimme 👀👀👀)
Hiya! Touching Sentiments (my Essek-centric fic series) takes place over the years following the end of campaign 2, and '2.5 year angst' is angst that occurs around 2.5 years post-canon! The tag contains posts that either remind me of what I've already written for it or have tones and concepts and feelings I'd still like to capture with it
