#trails!sam

[bvrialatsea]

making memes instead of writing.

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[cumbergaga2014]

Season 8 Sam ramble

I’ve seen quite alot of posts in the past few days regarding Sam’s behaviour in Season 8, AKA his OOC for the entire season. I normally don’t write stuff because I am not good at it, but seeing these posts made me to post this, because Sam does not deserve the hate and misunderstanding that people have given him in this regard.  This is me rambling about this so that I can get it out off my head, be warned this might go long.

In the beginning of the first episode of the season we see Dean coming out of purgatory with Benny and meeting Sam later, meanwhile we are shown Sam living together with Amelia in a “normal apple pie” life and as soon as he hears from Dean, he drops everything and goes back to Dean.  He doesn’t even say anything to Amelia and he just bolts off thinking she’s asleep, because he knew he wouldn’t be back with her and he knew Dean needs him and likewise Sam needs his brother. Right from the moment Sam explains that he didn’t look for Dean after killing Dick Ronan, Dean starts accusing him for not looking for him. The reason for why Sam didn’t look for Dean was not explained till now except that he’s guilty and that is indeed very out of character for him, given that we have seen how he had behaved in the past when Dean was dead. In Season 3 “Mystery Spot” and Season 4 till “Lazarus Rising“and “I know what you did last summer”.

·       Let me get into like detail, in Mystery Spot, we see Sam being distant after Dean was killed on a Wednesday in the parking lot and he see him crying while holding his body and there was no “groundhog day” scenario, the days kept rolling on for about six months without his brother.

·         Focused on finding Trickster and killing him.

·         Shut out Bobby, I don’t think he was talking to anyone.

·         Had big killings alone.

·         Booked double bed rooms in motels even though he needed only one.

·         Ordered extra food for Dean, which was untouched.

·         Sewing his gunshot wound by himself.

·     He was dead inside.     When he meets Trickster (Gabriel), he convinces him to bring back Dean, no matter how many times Gabriel told him this is how things will be after Dean’s deal is up. He does not express any reproach and simply begs Gabriel to bring him and he gets his brother back.

Dean does not know how Sam was for the past months, how hellish it had been for him. He held his brother’s body and grieved, he was almost out of his mind obsessed with revenge like when he was soulless, he had no regard for himself.

In season 4, the infamous stuff we got see about Sam were-

·         He had an entire year to prepare himself for his brother’s death, he tried like anything to save Dean and he had to watch his brothers being ripped off by hellhounds and grieve for him when the hounds killed him.

·         Shut down Bobby- AGAIN, Ruby was the only person he talked to, he was obsessed/focused with killing Lilith.

·         He was out of his mind and certainly suicidal. Ruby made his comment during one of their conversations that she knew that Sam does not expect to survive when he confronts Lilith and that is what he wants.

·         Demon blood addiction and going on a dark path.

·         Manipulated by Ruby into releasing Lucifer, this was a huge mistake- He was desperate to fulfil his revenge for Dean’s death, he wanted them to pay for what they had done. Those days were hell for him even though he got Dean back he couldn’t make up his mind because Ruby was messing his mind and demon blood, the way the angels treated him didn’t help either . I don’t agree with his actions but I kind of understand his need for revenge or retribution in this situation and we should also remember how Dean was when he knew John sacrificed his life for him and he felt worthless for that because he thought he didn’t deserved to be saved and how was Sam supposed to feel when he knew Dean put up a deal and gets killed by hellhounds and feeling helpless and desperate to be worth of Dean’s life?

Not to go off the topic, Sam didn’t try to save Dean when he “died” and when to purgatory, this time he was confronted with these things-

·         He lost his mind few episodes before and almost died in the mental hospital, even though Cas took away his pain I’m convinced he was still hurting and he was guilty that Cas he lost his mind because of him.

·         He didn’t have any corpse to convince him of anything, I have seen people say he must know killing a leviathan will take us to purgatory- I don’t think he did this time. I still forget the look on his face when Crowley told him that he was truly alone his time.  The utter confusion and loss was so evident.

·         Bobby was dead and Castiel was nowhere to be found like Dean- He didn’t have anyone.

·         Like usual he shut off people but this time he was really out of mind and clueless about anything and had nowhere to go.

Yes, this was out of character for Sam because he’s not even himself in this scenario, Sam character has changed from season 4 and he is broken beyond repair and yet he was standing.  He did the only thing he knew when he realized there was literally no one for him – HE RAN. He just hid himself from the world, he couldn’t FOCUS and I think he must’ve been afraid of what he will become if he went further on trying to find Dean because he knew what he was capable of when Dean is not around and how he was when he was soulless.  All I remember he was trying his car and hit a dog. We know Sam is a very empathetic person and this pushed guilt even further and that’s why he tried to take care of the dog, because the responsibility of the dog kind of saved him in a way

About Amelia, half the time I am convinced she isn’t even real if she was I think I kind of understand their relationship.  Their relationship consists of two things- two broken people.  While Sam was running away from everything I think he found a safety in her presence and felt wanted. He tried to make something of his life with her – he didn’t have happy go lucky life with her, he was in a sense recuperating from all that has happened in his life. I am convinced if Amelia’s hadn’t turned up or if Dean had not come back, I’m convinced he would’ve become like how he was in season 3 and 4 to an extent because that’s who he was and he always needs his brother. Amelia was just like a rebound/ or someone to fill in a void in his life.

Once he’s back with brother, obviously Dean expected to look for him and try to bring him back. When he found out that Sam didn’t try to get him back, he starts attacking Sam verbally and physically. It doesn’t help do when the person is already feeling guilty and you just keep adding even more fuel to the fire.  There were many many times Dean made him feel bad and guilty for not looking for him, right after they hear Kevin’s voice messages and to top it off Dean got close with Benny – a vampire. This Sam was plain possessive and Dean made it clear that Sam had let him down again and again, and this should make anyone feel unwanted and worthless. Dean started being normal to Sam after the trails were started.

In this period, Sam took the trials because he wanted to prove that he will never put Dean down ever. Before the first trial we see Dean talking to Sam about how worthless he was and Sam was the one who he thought deserved to live. If you look closely in 8X14 “Trial and Error”, Dean tries to convince Sam that he was grunt and he’s going to die anytime soon, Sam drinks in every word he says and later uses them to convince Dean that he is worth to be saved and is brother deserves to live as well and tells the truth that Dean is the best hunter he ever knew. He knew his brother would take the trials as a suicide mission and he doesn’t give a damn about himself, he wanted to show Dean he can still protect him and be there for him and he wanted prove his brother that he won’t let his brother down again – ever.

As the trial progresses, at first Dean was still reluctant for letting Sam do the trials, he keeps trying to talk him out of it and Sam adamant as ever to finish the trials. We see Sam’s health deteriorating and to point that even Cas claims he wouldn’t be able to cure him. One thing was clear from the start of the Trial to Sam and as well to us viewers that Sam will not be surviving when the trial gets over. Look at him, he has reduced alot of weight, brain cooking fevers and nose bleeds etc. Dean was very aware of this conditions right from the start and he was there was his brother as always. If these were the physical ailments that the trials caused to him, we don’t know what was going on in Sam’s mind – he was warned before the beginning of the trials the person will need to sacrifice himself (They shouldn’t be afraid of their spine ripped off), he remembered stuffs from his childhood about how unclean he felt , then demon blood and he saw Benny in purgatory which meant Dean had sacrificed his friend to save him and obviously hit must have crossed  his mind that he was burden to his brother, his abandonment when Dean went to purgatory, downgrading his self worth even more and to be honest this ought to put alot of pressure on him to finish the trials.

The heart wrenching season finale is one of my favourites and I absolutely loved how Jared and Jensen portrayed the church scene.  I find it hard to believe that Dean didn’t know that Sam wouldn’t survive the trials until Naomi told him, it was obvious. Up to this point I think Dean was in denial that Sam will not live after the trials and Naomi just hammered the truth for him and once he realized he rushed to save his brother. Even now when Dean asked for Sam to stop the trials, he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to let his brother down AGAIN, he didn’t want be a burden – as someone who needed a chaperone, he couldn’t focus, he knew he was dying anyway and he was downright suicidal. it’s so sad that someone who wanted to survive the trials in the beginning to accepting their death at the end. I am not saying it was all on Dean – NO, this just shows how damaged he was because he thought he lost Dean, his brother no longer needed him and doesn't trust him anymore; even though his brother was with him again; he gave up trials for his brother, even though it almost killed him and it took him months to recover.

I think I kinda understand how a person feels if they feel they are not needed anymore and not trusted. It's no wonder considering their codependency throughout the seasons. Sam does not deserve all the hate and misconception for this season he was just a guy trying to fix things and be useful and prove he's trustworthy, that he was willing to give up his life so that his brother will be safe after the hell's gates are closed and seek forgiveness for not looking out for his brother in the beginning of the season.

[amanda-teaches]

The Trials

Summary: You try to stay hopeful and supportive as Sam faces the trials to close the gates of Hell, but fate has other plans for the two of you.

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Word Count: 1277

Warnings: Angst, a little language. I don’t know what happened to my usual peppy self, but I wanted to keep it close to canon. I’m sorry!

A/N: This is for @impala-dreamer and @idreamofhazel’s Sammy Says 1K/2K celebration challenge. Congratulations! My quote was “You know this whole ‘I laugh in the face of death thing’? It’s crap. I can see right through it.” As a special celebration treat for Beka and Hazel, I decided to do a Sam x Reader. But, it got a little angsty. Sorry! I was watching Season 8 with Trials Sam, so it’s not entirely my fault the angst happened.

It been weeks since Sam had killed the hellhound at Cassity Ranch. Weeks since he had completed the first trial, and now he was ready to do the second one. Kevin had called after cracking the tablet, and the three of you were planning on driving out there in the morning to get the details.

Now, you weren’t stupid. You could tell that the trials were already starting to take their toll on Sam, and they had barely begun. He tried to hide it, but something was definitely happening to him. Something you and Dean didn’t like.

Dean had promised to stand by him after the case in St. Louis, and you had done the same. Of course you had. You would do anything for Sam. But, you were scared, especially after finding the bloody tissues he’d tried to hide in the trash. You knew Sam was trying to protect you. You knew he was keeping you and Dean in the dark so you wouldn’t worry, but you needed answers. You needed to know what was happening to the man you loved. So, you decided to confront the situation head on and do the one thing you hadn’t done yet: ask him.

“Cas said it’s affecting you on a subatomic level, Sam. Something even he can’t heal,” you said, your voice rising as you gave into your anger. You weren’t exactly happy with the younger Winchester for downplaying the serious toll the trials were taking on him and hiding it from you. “What exactly does that mean?”

“Shh…” Sam whispered, holding up his hands. He gestured at Dean, who was asleep in one of the library chairs with his feet propped up on a small table in front of him. He grabbed your wrist and gently pulled you out of the room and down the hallway into the kitchen. Once there, he released your wrist and turned back to you with his arms folded across his chest. “Ok,” he agreed. “Let’s talk.”

You sighed, your frustration apparent. “What is happening to you, Sam? Just tell me. What are the trials doing to you?”

“I don’t know,” Sam admitted, sadness temporarily clouding his features. He shook his head and gave you a small smile, masking his pain once again. “But, I’m fine, ok? I can handle it. You don’t need to worry.”

You scoffed at that. “Yeah, Sam, I bet you’re just fine with all of the subatomic changes happening inside your body. Nothing to worry about. I’m sure it’s completely normal and not at all worrisome for atoms to just start shifting around in there.”

Sam flashed you his best “Sarcasm is not helpful” face. You’d seen him use it on Dean all the time, but never on you. Not once in your entire relationship had he lost his patience with your sarcasm. In fact, he usually considered it quite cute.

“I’ll be fine, Y/N. It’s not a big deal.”

“You know this whole ‘I laugh in the face of death thing’? It’s crap. I can see right through it. You’re not fine.”

“Y/N…..”

“No, Sam. Don’t. You don’t have to lie to me or act strong just to protect me. You can trust me with this.” You paused, gazing up at your boyfriend with a question in your eyes. “You do trust me, don’t you, Sam?”

Sam sighed and threaded his fingers threw his hair. “Of course, I trust you, Y/N. Implicitly. You know that.”

“Then, tell me what’s going on. Please.” You reached out and put your hand on his arm, squeezing gently. “Let me help you.”

“You want me to be honest? Fine,” Sam yelled, shrugging your hand off. “I’ll be honest, Y/N. Honestly, I have no idea what’s happening to me. None at all. And it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

“Sam…” you whispered, reaching out to him again, but he backed away.

“You can’t help me with this, Y/N. I need to do this alone.” He started to turn away, shutting himself off from you.

“Oh no you don’t.” You stepped up and grabbed Sam’s hand again, preventing him from pulling away. You looked directly into his eyes, willing your strength into him. “I know that I can’t do the trials with you, Sam, but you will never be alone. Never. Not as long as Dean and I are here.”

Sam smiled, weakly. “I know, Y/N, and I love you for that. But, I have to do this on my own. And, trust me, I can do this. I will do this.”

“I really hope so,” you whispered, the fight leaving you. You squeezed his hand even tighter then, desperate to hold onto him for as long as you could. “I’m scared, Sam. This is really serious. So, serious, even Cas can’t fix you. And, that’s after one trial. There are two more, Sam. Two! What if it’s too much for you? What if you don’t make it?” Your voice started to break. “If I lost you…”

You paused, drawing in a shaky breath and blinking back the tears that threatened to overflow.

“Shh…” Sam said, pulling you into a hug that calmed you in only a way Sam could. He kissed your forehead softly before letting his head rest on top of yours. “It’ll be ok, baby. I can do this. I will do this. I’ll finish the trials, we’ll close the gates of hell, get rid of the demons, and then all of this will be over. I promise.”

“I can’t lose you,” you whispered into his chest, the sound muffled but still audible.

“I know. And, you won’t. I swear.”

You held onto the hope of that promise for weeks. You held onto it through the second trial, when you had almost lost Sam in Purgatory. Through his illness, which was slowly killing him. You watched him waste away, get sicker and sicker as he lost himself to the “purification”. You watched him face certain death with the third trial and you watched as your worst fear was realized: Sam collapsed, falling into a seemly irreversible coma.

As you sat at his bedside in the hospital, you tried to hold on to hope. You tried to believe that Sam could beat this. That he was strong enough to fight his way out of the coma. Fight his way back to you. But, the doctor had just told you and Dean that he wouldn’t recover. That it was in God’s hands now, for whatever that was worth. And you knew exactly what that was worth. Nothing. It was hopeless. Sam, your Sam, was going to die.

After Dean and the doctor left, you sent out one last prayer to anyone who might possibly be listening, just as Dean was doing down the hall. You waited, watching for a sign, any sign at all that help was coming. But, nothing happened. No one was coming. It was over.

You choked back a tear, turning your face towards Sam’s, watching as the life slowly drained out of the man you loved. “You have to fight, Sam. For me. You promised, remember?” The tears spilled out, uncontrollable now. “You promised you would be ok. That you would beat this and it would all be over. You promised me.”

You looked up, your vision blurred by the tears, hoping beyond hope to see him smiling back at you. But, it was too late. The trials had been too much. “Please, Sam. I need you. I….I love you.”

But, there was no response. Not from Sam or anyone else. Sam wasn’t coming back from this, and, if that was true, then neither were you.

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[bvrialatsea]

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