It’s amazing in life what we can get used to. And what we can’t. * Many of you parents will know what I mean when I say that every day (every time really) that I am away from my children, I feel a nervous ache. For me it’s in my upper chest, like a metal clamp at the top of my breath. Over the nearly 17 years I’ve spent coparenting with various arrangements of shared custody in my blended family, I’ve never gotten used to the times when my older kids are away. It’s like waiting to come back into balance after you’ve swerved from center. Only you just go on waiting... * I realized today (is this really the first time??) that over the last several years in particular, there are only about 8-10 weeks each year when I’m in my absolute sweet spot. When all 3 of my magical children sleep under one roof. When their laughter and songs and hollers soundheal my heart. When I can hold them close when they’re upset. Over time, I’ve had to learn to find my joy in the in between times, while breathing more shallowly and missing them like crazy. And I’ve been able to do that — I’m used to that and good at it in a way. But I just can’t seem to get used to the being without them part. * I feel it as father who wants and has always wanted to simply *be there* for my kids. As a father who never wanted my children to go through what I went through in a “split family”. And I feel it on the opposite end too, as I did back in my own childhood, wondering who or what or where my dad was. I feel it as my single, low-income mom felt it every time she had to leave me at kindercare, or with the neighbors, or with her semi-estranged parents. * It makes me feel stingy with my kids’ time. It makes me feel clingy when we part. It makes me feel my most shameful feeling — envy — when they’re off living their “other” lives. Oh that’s *so hard* to admit!! * This is my courageous truth today. This is me calling forth and offering healing to that part of me. This is an open prayer for everyone else who’s here too. * I love you. Keep going. 💛 * #healingoldwounds #transgenerationalhealing #coparenting #dontpostponejoy