learning how to be in love is demanding. it is shouting in our face at all times, whether we are intoxicated in optimism, safety, comfort.. or we are drained of life, understanding, forgiveness.
and love. love in general is treacherous, aggressive, high-risk and high-reward. well, most of the time.
i think about what i know about love. it's profound to think that as individuals, all we know about love is what we experience... i actually would argue that not a single person could have the same analysis on love as a whole, as they know it.
to me, love is survival source many times. the only way to survive in love is to forgive, forgive again, forgive AGAIN, forgive another time, forgive ANOTHER time, forgive once more, forgive a little bit more, forgive even in bitterness, forgive in pain, forgive in regret, forgive in sorrow, forgive in solitude, forgive tearfully, forgive boldly, forgive in understanding, forgive graciously, and then forgive all over again.
it has made me weak, and strong.
i wrote about the death and hostility i have seen love give a reason to survive through. i've experienced a what feels like a hospitalized heart because of "love."
"love."
the word makes me scoff when i really think about it sometimes.
it's changed. i've changed.
but above all of this, i am here to say that he is a good reason to still love. he receives my love. he swims in it. he puts it on like a vest and admires what he sees in the mirror. he wears it on his wrist, and i see it on his fingers when he touches my face. i see it in his face when he is tired and we are both silent in frustration.
and i see the way i love him. i see it in my first look at a storefront. i see it in my posture when he is next to me. i watch as my arms lock around his and i dont want to move.
i have watched this small, clean love grow into a dirty, worn and metalized love. they say that when two metals get warm and are fused together- nothing can separate the bond once they are cooled and set.
if love is like that, then we have real love.
i remember always dreaming in wonder and curiosity of what loving a good man would be like. i had my own fantasy of car drive's, family introductions, and someone that would willingly and enthusiastically speak and show me every detail of who they were before they met me, so that i knew. i was naive to pain. i was ignorant of turmoil and fought the idea of anything less than perfect.
i was awakened, in this last year. it took me a long time to realize that a man i love should be nothing less than my best friend, i should love him like i love my childhood friends and my father. i should love him like i love to take pictures. the way i love him should look like; forgiving my father, accepting my mother, laughing with my friends, listening to my sisters.
i had to be deathly honest with myself at a point, realizing that he is not perfect ... and i sure as heck wasnt either... and my child-like visions of movie screen-freeze love wasn't our realities. it isnt anyones.
and what I DID HAVE, was like a movie. or maybe even better. it has made me stronger and wiser and craftier. i've been infatuated, i've loved him, i've loved him fiercely, i've been weak, i have been dry and complacent in giving my love, and he loved me back until i could love again. and we have fought, a lot- A LOT, for what we see when we look at each other. after months, i am in love with him. it's better than infatuation, because i know the human that he is the reality that we posses.
it's like the sky. there're day's where it's clear, some days its cloudy- there is ALWAYS a sunset and sunrise. some days they are vibrant, some days they are soft, some days they dont grab at your attention. but they are consistent. you dont question it, and you figure out how to have the best day depending on what it looks like. some days that going outside, some days its driving quietly.
for some reason i still miss this kid every 3 hours that we are away from each other, no matter what our sky looks like that day.
