"i wish we’d met years ago." @nell
she’s not making this easy. although, nell reminds herself, nothing about this is easy. up until now, everything had been. it’d been good without being too much- without being anything, really. except it had been something. it had been something she knows they’d both felt, that they’d both tried to ignore because of some reason or another.
nell’s had time over the past few weeks. her parents had taken her daughter home with them and with nolan not around, the apartment’s been quiet. she’d thrown herself back into the case as soon as they’d let her, distracting herself, hoping that once they caught the trapper, she’d feel different- better. but that time had come not a week ago, becky at the front of it, and nell stills feels the same. she’s still missing part of herself. she’s still alone.
it wasn’t an easy realisation, but she knows that leaving is her only option. she can’t stay here. she can’t live in this apartment, can’t go to work and sit opposite an empty desk for god knows how long. she doesn’t have the strength. maybe she might’ve done if any of those reasons for ignoring what she and becky had had been valid. if she could justify doing nothing when all she wanted was to do something.
but she can’t. there was nothing holding her back and, yet, she kept finding something to. moments they’d both felt a pull, opportunities to make something of whatever was between them, had been brushed aside. and by the time becky had finally taken it into her own hands and kissed her, life had decided it was too late.
they’d had their chance. and they’d watched it pass by one too many times.
maybe if they had met years ago, they’d have taken it before it’d been taken from them.
and maybe then she’d have found solidarity in becky marney instead of regret.
nell’s never been good at goodbyes. and this is no different. if anything, it’s harder. she’s not just saying goodbye to becky, she’s saying goodbye to the first good thing she might’ve had in a long time. but the sinking feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about what might have been? she gets to take that with her.
that’s not going anywhere.
“ yeah, ” she nods. “ yeah, me too. ”
she looks at becky and there’s that pull again, strong as ever. and it’s really fucking hard to say no to. but it’s just another thing she has to do. it’s not going to fix anything. all it’ll do is make this worse.
she drops her gaze, closes her eyes, and shakes her head.
“ i’m sorry. bec, i’m so fuckin’ sorry. ”
