#trauma babe

[septemberbells]

showered for the first time in like a week, cried on the way to school, managed to stop crying when i got out of my car, immediately started sobbing because someone held the door for me into the building

[virtuheaux]

Nice job bonehead!

[softwiired]

nobody likes being yelled at, but simmons definitely was not a big fan. of yelling. or voices being raised, at him especially

the first few months outside of home, it would send shivers shooting down his spine, eyes wide open and jaw tense. the less he moves, the better, he figures, and he would wait it out

his reaction is different now, in that, although he is bothered most of the time, unless it’s directly at him, and he knows it’s at him, he won’t go completely rigid or anything; the threat level has decreased SO MUCH he’s. usually fine, unless he recognizes that it’s at him, that it’s intense, that it’s going to have consequences

he yells a lot, now, usually with friends because everyone is yelling and he just wants to be included

it’s sort of therapeutic? it’s another thing he can add to the list of stuff he’s in control of! he used to always have to be. quiet and stuff, but now he can kick his feet and stomp and yell and it’s whatever!

i just like to think about simmons yelling into the void canyon and feeling better about stuff

[softwiired]

Simmons hasn’t been one for smoking--ever-- although he has heard that marijuana has its benefits, not just because of health reasons but because his stomach is sensitive and he gets nauseous some, not most, of the time when around smoke.

It reminds him of the cigars his father used to smoke when his friends would come over. They would sit outside until it got dark, smoking, drinking, talking about women, money, houses. Sometimes he sits with them. His father puts a hand on his knee and squeezes. Simmons finds an excuse to go inside.

Dulcina had already cooked, but she would make something more for his father’s friends. Set the table, as usual. Invite them all in. Richard eats in silence, but smiles. He likes having visitors. He doesn’t go out much. He doesn’t really have friends outside of school.

Dread builds up in his stomach as he eyes his plate. He eyes the clock. It’s nearly 10. They always eat late because Yadiel doesn’t leave the store until everything is secured, money counted, displays fixed, and he says that every time he slams the door open, preparing to scream. But today he brought friends, instead. But that doesn’t really change anything, his “routine”. It’s just stalling. He keeps stalling.

He is kinder in front of them, but it doesn’t change his tone. Just the volume. Is that what makes it acceptable, then? Is that why his friends laugh and his mother laughs and he has--to laugh?

The volume?

He can’t eat anymore. His stomach hurts and his hands are shaking. His father excuses him from the table and pushes him towards the bathroom with a firm hand. Yadiel thinks they can’t hear him berating Richard from there, even goes as far as turning on the fan in the bathroom just in case, but they do. They do, and they all look at their plates. Compliment Dulcina on the food. She tries to smile, but has to bite her lip, nodding. They turn on the television.

[softwiired]

simmons’s worst fear is him saying something about his childhood and somebody commenting on how GREAT his life must have been

like his father had Money and so occasionally simmons would enjoy some finer things but that doesn’t…change anything

[softwiired]

realizing that simmons’s father “most likely” did in fact take away simmons’s prostheses as “punishment” i.e. because he was an abusive piece of shit

fuck. fuck

and it isn’t just his arm it’s his leg, from the knee down

he’s always had the best prostheses money could buy (which his father “le saco en cara”/rubbed in his face every time he took them away,) and they’ve always been fitted perfectly and looked good and felt good and honestly just

he always thinks about, you know, what if he hadn’t had any of that? what if he had found some other way to get around from the get-go, refused them? not that he had the power to, i mean, he’s probably had them since he was a toddler, so...

the point is...god, i hate simmons’ father, and for a long time simmons hated himself for “depending” on his prostheses and he thought it was all on him for SO LONG

it isn’t even all prostheses it’s the ones his father got for him... like there was such a weight lifted when he got the Military Grade shit... he felt good

[angelb-tch]

honestly earlier today i was feeling really really fucked up about like... my personal relationship to sex and how that and just my general feelings of self worth are influenced by trauma in all the worst kinds of ways (not stuff i’m gonna get into the specifics of it isn’t REALLY the point of the post) but honestly i’m coming back and i’m working on handling my shit in a positive way, it’s actually working and i’m okay