“ i just hate seeing you so disappointed ! “ her brows furrow together, before relaxing once more when she allows a bright smile to take over her features. she leans forward, pinching their cheeks gently. “ can’t you just give me one smile!? i’m going to have to kick someone’s ass, aren’t i? “
“JUST GO AWAY ,” the somber young girl shouts, burying her head into her hands. “i’m not worth it, and i’m not coming to group. you can beg all you want but i’m not leaving this spot.” olive never understood the way her mother chose to break bad news to her, and of course this time it happened to be on the car ride to the old rec center where olive attends a support group with other young people harboring the same wicked social anxiety that she does. olive always wants to think there’s nothing wrong with her, only her obsession with taking care of her family, but her terrible communication skills, even with everyday things, prove her wrong every single time. the bombshell that’s just been dropped on sweet, young olive is that her brothers condition doesn’t appear to be getting any better. in a few weeks, they’ll be taking him back to st. judes, where olive’s going to feel as though she’s got to spend every second at his bedside. because of this awful news, the miserable redhead had ran right inside the building, and immediately to the staircase to the second floor where she knew she wouldn’t be seen. olive had been seen, unfortunately for her, and around the corner, about five steps down was a voice calling out to her -- one that she assumed to be the leader of their support group. even with red, teary eyes, she decides to peak around the corner to make sure whoever’s been trying to get her to come out has left her alone, only to find that it had not been their leader speaking, and that instead, it had been the only person in their support group that olive can remotely tolerate: gabriel alderson. “oh, gabe.” she softens a little, lifting her hand, guarded by her oversized sweater sleeve to wipe underneath her eyes. there’s dark eyeliner and mascara running, but it’s not like this is the first time gabe has seen someone in their group a mess before. “i thought you’d be mr. gates.” she admits, standing to her feet and crossing her arms over her chest. she’s not entirely coming out, but she leans against the wall that separates the two staircases, only facing half of her body out towards him. “i meant what i said though. i’m not coming to group. so don’t bother trying.”
MARIGOLD & FINN: “six times now that she’d let him back in? she figures, lucky seven, this time it’ll stick.” ... “this would be the seventh time he’s lived with her, a number he hadn’t nearly gotten close to reaching with anyone else. two times was the limit for finn to stay with someone, but after his double stay with mari, he broke his own rules.”
finn may leave at the drop of a hat, but when he comes back around, marigold can’t help but be overjoyed. at least -- that’s how it was at the beginning. as time passes, the joy she felt whenever he’d return to her has begun to slowly fade away...
@traumaticed && @violetleaves
finn’s second stay. september.
when she opens up the door and sees finn ingram standing on the other side, for a second, marigold thinks that she just might faint. it takes everything in her not to physically gasp, and she only blinks at him, wondering for a moment if she’s imagining him standing there. “what... what are you doing here?” is the only thing that she can manage to say -- and then she takes his hand and tugs him right on inside. as she shuts the door behind them, she presses her back up against it, hand still glued to the doorknob, staring at him in disbelief. there’d been nothing that had made her presume he would ever return to her. he’d left unexpectedly: not a goodbye note, or even the lingering feeling that he wasn’t happy anymore. one day, she’d come home from pre-orientation to find her apartment void of all of his belongings, the only thing he’d left behind being his scent on her pillow cases, and a single sock in her dirty laundry pile. seeing him now, she doesn’t exactly know what to say. she’s always known he’s been an adventurer at heart. she’s been reminded time and time again by him that he doesn’t like to stay in one place for too long, but she didn’t think that meant he’d be gone without even a kiss goodbye.
mari hasn’t really gotten over it, mostly just dealt with the feeling of being alone after all of the time they’d spent together over the summer. it had been a month and a half of non-stop seeing each other, aside from when marigold had to go take care of columbia things, and finn needed to antique shop for the pawn shop. even then, when finn was technically working, mari enjoyed tagging along. she’d take finn to all her favorite places in the city to explore. she’d given her summer away to him, even after he’d left, because everything about him was incessantly occupying her thoughts. he’d taken off right before her nineteenth birthday, which had been a bummer, but she’d managed to ignore the shitty feelings by getting blackout drunk with a couple of the girls at her pre-orientation program to columbia. she’d cried about finn, attempted to forget about him by kissing a couple different people but as she laid in her bed that night, staring at the spinning ceiling as she tried to sober up, all she could do was miss the feeling of him holding her every night.
looking at him right now, that’s the feeling she wants again. his arms wrapped around her.
“i can’t believe you’ve come back. i didn’t know if you ever would.” mari says quietly, wringing her hands in front of her. part of her doesn’t really know what to say, because she’s still hurt over what had happened, but she’s also nervous that if she speaks her truth, maybe he won’t want to stick around after he knows how much mari has grown to care about him. they hadn’t spent that much time together, but the time that they did spend was filled with the sweetest nothings. she swallows, and takes a brave step closer to him, extending her hand to him and touching his elbow. “can you tell me all about where you’ve been?” she decides to ask, rather than trying to find out what he was thinking when he left her without any sort of clues. she leaves him for a moment in her living space, walking in towards the kitchen. mari naturally reaches towards the freezer and takes out the strawberry ice cream she’d purchased for him that summer. instead of diving into how she’d felt without him, marigold decides to push it all out of her head. she gets them each a bowl, and gives finn a couple more scoops than she grabs for herself before she takes him over to the couch, curling up beside him and putting a spoonful into her mouth. “i wanna hear absolutely everything.”
finn’s third stay. februrary.
it’s been a long and rough day. classes that marigold had assumed were going to be easy a’s are beginning to seem like they are going to be far harder than expected, and require a lot more time and effort. there’s also the social group she’s been associating with lately... it’s only the second semester of her first year at college, and she’s really starting to regret some of the people she’s been hanging around. mari never knows why, but she somehow always finds herself in with the mean girls, the popular crowds. she’s always hated greek life but she’s still desperate to show up to the parties each week with the hopes that everyone’s going to absolutely adore her. they do, as everybody always does, and mari thinks that she’s going to be content with that, but it’s not enough. no, being liked by them will never be enough. there’s something missing, a piece of her that comes and goes as he pleases. it’s not that hard for her to admit that she’s fallen hard for the restless boy who can’t seem to feel fulfilled staying in the same place. when he’s back in her life, she feels better -- she feels whole, and complete, like she’s supposed to be spending her time doting on him, providing him with a place to stay and someone loving. he deserves that, she thinks, after everything his family has put him through. she’d be his home if he’d stick around. which is why, upon his last stay, she’d gone about making him a key -- a black one, with a tiny silver m on it, so that he’d always remember he’s welcome at mari’s place. finn had left the day she’d intended on giving it to him, which while had left her feeling terrible and like she wasn’t good enough, she still held onto the key in case he ever came back.
it would’ve come in handy today, finn having that little black token of mari’s love, so that he wouldn’t have to be waiting for her to get back, sitting on the floor outside of marigold’s apartment door. at first, she doesn’t really notice him -- her gaze focused in on her phone, going over her list of all of the things she needs to get done this evening to prepare for the next few classes this week. that agenda goes completely out of the window once she finally does notice him sitting by his backpack, nose buried in a copy of dark places by gillian flynn, a book she’d given him the last time he’d stayed with her. she stops in her tracks for a second, only admiring him from afar and wondering exactly how she should approach him. there’s not much time to decide, because the lack of her shoes clicking against the wooden floor seems to catch finn’s attention, and he looks up to her, quickly closes the book and stands to his feet. god, she can’t help but smile when she sees his face again.
“oh my god, finn!” marigold beams, rushing down the hallway and throwing her arms around him. “oh my goodness, i can’t believe you’re here. i was just thinking about you. now you’re here.” she breathes in his scent heavily, starting to feel warm and fuzzy all over being in his arms again. they don’t really need to be embracing in the hallway, but she’s just so shocked that he’s come back again, waiting for her outside of her apartment door. “i’m so happy to see you. come inside, come inside.” mari says, hating that she has to let go of him so that she can stick her keys into the lock and invite him in. once they’ve entered her place, mari immediately takes his backpack from him and begins to take it into her bedroom, somehow knowing that he’s going to want to unpack some of his things. then, she’s bouncing back to him and pulling him in close again. “you look so good. i take it you had a good trip?” she asks, like it’s totally normal for him to drop out on her like he had in the past. marigold leads him over the couch, curling up beside him on it and pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “i wanna hear all about where you’ve been. and how it was back at home. and christmas! i wanna hear all about that too --” suddenly, mari snaps her fingers and sits up straight, remembering the key she’d intended to give to him months ago.
“oh, i have something for you!” she leaves him on the couch, jumping up to the hook next to the front door where the keys to the mailroom and laundry room were hanging. it’s where she’d left the key for him so long ago. mari rejoins him on the couch, and delicately tucks the key into his palm, looking up at him with her blue eyes, filled with her typical adoration for him. she wonders if now he’ll understand how much she loves her, without her actually having to go about and say the words and feel let down when he doesn’t want to return them. “so that you don’t ever have to wait outside for me again.” is how she starts her little speech, wanting him to know that this is his home now just as much as it is hers. “you’re always welcome here, i think that you know that. i want you to be able to come and go when you want, which, i know you already do -- and that’s okay! i know you get stir crazy and... need to adventure. i can respect that.” she says, though there’s an uncomfortable heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach, like she’s going to one day regret ever saying this at all. “i just want you to know... i’m always going to want you here. you can always come back.” mari holds onto his hand with the key tucked in his palm, hoping he’ll take her sentiment a lot closer to heart as well. slowly, she wraps her arms around his middle and leans into him on the couch. after a deep and comfortable sigh, she whispers out: “i’m really, really, really glad that you’re here.”
finn’s fourth stay. august.
there’s footsteps coming from her kitchen, and while mari should be able to remember that she’s passed off a special key to him nearly six months ago, it entirely slips her mind, and all she can think about is how there’s some stranger lurking in her apartment. cautiously, she sneaks out from underneath her bedsheets, saving her latest writing on her laptop before looking around for something she can use as some kind of weapon. the only thing she can find is a three-quarters of the way finished bottle of mike’s HARDER lemonade in blood orange flavor that she had left sitting on her bedside table from a few nights before. she grasps it tightly in her dominant hand like it’s going to save her from whatever’s outside, and she slowly but surely moves across her room, trying not to let her feet make as many noises as the intruder. just as she’s about to reach for the handle to her bedroom door, she sees it slowly start to turn -- and mari is instantly terrified, yanking her hand back and wondering who could be coming into her space. if it had been a bit darker in her room, she maybe wouldn’t have recognized him, and the bottle she’s got holding over her head, maybe she would’ve swung at him -- but their eyes meet, and finn takes a step back once he sees she’s armed, and marigold’s expression soothes instantaneously. “finn! you scared me!” mari shouts, exasperated as she sets down the bottle on her dresser, conveniently next to the door, and reaches out to him. “i thought you were a robber. or a kidnapper. or... i don’t know, a book thief. i’m so relieved that it’s you.” she expresses, relaxing completely and ushering him into her room so that he can set down his belongings.
gracefully, she moves towards the bed, sporting her frilly purple nightgown and a matching robe that isn’t thick enough that she’s roasting in the summer heat. luckily, the evenings are cool in the city, and she’s thankful he’s back to keep her warm tonight. mari closes her laptop, setting it to the side and scooting to her usual space in the corner of her bed when finn is usually here, so that he can join by her side. her heart is still beating rapidly in her chest, and she’s not sure if it’s because of her thinking she was getting robbed, or if it’s now because finn is finally sitting beside her after so many months of wondering about him. “how was everything? i hope you had a safe trip -- you know how much i worry about you on your motorcycle...” ever since he’d come back with it, mari had been convinced that one day there was going to be some terrible accident. she’d scolded him for the purchase ( although it had almost instantly turned her on to see him outside, taking the helmet off of his head and revealing his shaggy head of hair and big toothy grin once he’d seen her ) and made him promise to never participate in any road rage, hoping that at least that could keep him a little bit safe. her hands hold onto his as they sit beside each other on the bed, mari sitting cross-legged, and finn’s legs hanging off the edge. she sighs a little, letting her fingers touch each visible part of his skin.
“i wish you’d come back a few days ago.” marigold says sadly, wishing he could’ve been around to celebrate her birthday with her. it hadn’t bothered her too much when he’d disappeared last year before her nineteenth -- maybe he didn’t know what the date was, but this time he did. this time he could’ve tried to drop in on the day of, or at least sent her something as a surprise, let her know he’s thinking about her on her special day. she raises a hand and brushes her thumb across his cheek, not wanting to dwell on the fact that she’d spent that day completely alone, without even a call from her mother or father. her sisters, she’d expect -- but it was unlike her parents to not shower her with attention on her special day. “doesn’t matter, though. we can still celebrate.” marigold decides, never wanting to let his disappearances affect her this much. she shifts onto her knees, pointing at her bedroom door. it may be late, but there’s no way she’s going to be able to sleep soon now that finn is back. she smiles, squeezing his shoulder a little bit. “let’s break out the strawberry ice cream.”
finn’s fifth stay. december.
when finn isn’t around, marigold wishes she wasn’t as attached to him as she truly is. people will shower her with compliments, flirt their hearts out to win mari over and she’s turned down almost every single one over the past year and a half of knowing finn. she has hope he’ll come back, and she still has an even deeper trust that one day he will come to his senses, and want to stay with her permanently. or at least, she tells herself that he will eventually. at the beginning, things were different. she’d kissed a few boys at a couple of parties during her first semester at columbia, but those never meant anything. it wasn’t like she was pursuing a relationship. however now, the connection that she feels for finn is so strong, every time she even considers doing anything with someone other than him, she’s convinced it will break his heart. why she’s so concerned about hurting him after all the times he’s disappeared without a word or even a note, she doesn’t really know, but she is. there’s also the fear that if she ever brings anyone back to her apartment, finn will show up and catch her in the middle of it. which is why this one time she’s decided to allow herself a little self indulgence, she’s made sure to do it at their apartment and not her own.
it’s only been a little over a month since he’s last left, so mari doesn’t anticipate finn coming home so soon. he’s usually gone for at least two, sometimes three ( which seems to break her heart when he’s gone for so long ). its only been a month, though, so the one time she’s decided to go home with someone else, she has no worries about finn stopping by. especially not before christmas, it was entirely unlike him to visit and celebrate holidays with her. the only two they’d ever spent together was the fourth of july, the summer they’d first met, and later on that year, halloween. those weren’t as important to mari, though -- not like christmas. even though that particular holiday came with lingering bad memories brought on by marigold’s older sisters, she still adored the time. the holiday was about love, and family, and taking care of others... which are things that marigold holds near and dear to her heart. she considers finn her family, and would absolutely love to spend christmas by his side, but as much as she’d told herself over the past two years that he’ll eventually want to spend forever with her, she can’t really imagine him sticking around for so long that they’d get to spend her favorite holiday together.
this christmas is going to be different, though. she is going to spend it with him.
mari had left the lights on the christmas tree turned on for when she’d returned home that night, so she’s not surprised to see it glowing with it’s multicolored bulbs, and the ornaments glistening beside each of them. what is catching her off guard though, is the lamp beside the couch that’s oddly switched on, and as she rounds the corner, she’s shocked at what she sees. finn, sitting comfortably on her couch, reading -- just like she always finds him. their eyes meet as the door to marigold’s apartment shuts, the sound echoing about the space. at first, she doesn’t say anything. she just stares.
she feels dirty. like she’s cheated on him even though they’ve never actually made themselves out to be official. mari knew he’d never commit to her after leaving so many times in the past. but god, of course, the one and only time marigold has ever slept with anyone other than finn ingram since he’s entered her life, it just happens to be the same night that he decides to show up -- two nights before christmas, with a present in his lap for her. for a second, she’s scolding herself, wondering how she could have let herself go tonight... every time in the past she’d ever considered going home with anyone, she’d changed her mind. the only thing she can think of now is how glad she is to have come back to her place, instead of spending the night with her one-night-stand. surely he would’ve asked where she’d been when she got back in the morning.
they’ve been staring at each other for too long without saying something, so mari clears her throat, and takes a couple step closer towards him.
“finn..” she whispers his name, her mouth hung open in confusion and also complete GUILT. how is it that the one time, she’s decided to go against her rules, and be with someone that isn’t him, he can just show back up in her life? she feels like she’s going to cry, and she wipes by her eyes, taking two steps closer to him. “you... came back for christmas?” she asks, looking at the brightly wrapped present in his lap. she assumes it’s going to be a snowglobe to add to her collection, and she gazes to the mantle on her fireplace adorning the rest of them, along with a surplus of red, green and gold christmas decorations. “i never thought... you’d ever come home for christmas.” she realizes that she’s called her place home, which doesn’t really seem that odd after all of this time. she would honestly do anything for him to consider this place his home. “i didn’t get you anything...”
marigold joins him on the couch, but she doesn’t sit as closely as she always has, leaving a bit of space between them as if he somehow is going to be able to tell that she’s been with someone else tonight. she realizes that this might make her come off a little bit weird, and she scoots closer, letting her hand rest on his thigh. she smiles weakly at him, the christmas lights around them cascading bright colors onto both of their faces. “you can have me, though. i’m a worthy christmas present, i’d say.” is she, though? on most occasions, mari would be confident that she’s absolutely good enough to be a gift for him -- she’d dress up in something extra cute and call it a bow, but tonight, after seeing someone else, it’s probably not true anymore. she kisses finn’s cheek, and rests her head against his shoulder. “thank you for coming back. i missed you more than you will ever know. merry christmas, finn.”
finn’s sixth stay. may.
the sound of the keys in the lock isn’t as startling as it used to be. this time, it’s created a hurricane in her stomach. she’s glad he’s here, deep down -- she wants him around as often as possible. she feels like he’s kind of an anchor keeping her to this apartment, though the lease has gone up several times over the past few years, she’s stayed put, wanting him to know he’s always got a place if he wants to return. mari thinks that she shouldn’t want him to come back, and so do a few of her friends who know how many times she’s cried over him. but she can’t help who she loves, and she likes to think that he loves her too, despite the hell he constantly puts her through. it always seems as though he does, the way he speaks, and the passionate look in his eyes whenever they’re deep in conversation. there’s no one she’s ever opened up to like she has with finn, yet she can’t seem to tell him how terribly her heart aches when he abandons her like he so usually does. hurting him is worse, she thinks -- she’s built to handle the pain. her sisters have prepared her for inevitable heartbreak, always saying cruel things like who could ever want to be with bland, boring mari ?? when she’d been growing up, but she’d never thought it would happen as often as this -- especially not with the same man.
maybe tonight she’ll tell him how she feels, as he steps through the door and smiles at her like he’s only left earlier that morning. she’s in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the lunch she’d been preparing for tomorrow. marigold places the lid onto the tupperware containing her meal, and takes it to the fridge. this time, she isn’t going to be instantly jumping into his arms, grateful that he’s back in her life. if she can get enough courage, maybe she’ll tell him that this can’t happen again, but her worst fear still lingers in her mind. he’ll just leave. if he can’t pick and choose when he can leave, why would he ever bother to stay?
“hi.” she says sweetly, slowly heading towards him and pulling him in for a tight embrace. it’s good to see him, really, it is, as awful as she feels knowing that this visit isn’t going to last forever, just like all of the other ones. “it’s good to see you.” she pulls back from the hug, reaching for his bag and setting it down to the side. it’s like she exists to make him feel comfortable. instead of diving right in to ask about how his trip was ( as she so usually does to distract from her feelings about him leaving ), where he’d visited and what snowglobe he’s brought with him this time, marigold bites down on her bottom lip and tugs him towards the couch that they’ve so frequently spent finn’s nights of coming back upon. “i need to tell you something.” a sentence like that makes it sound like she’s pregnant, or moving away, or seeing someone else, but all she wants to do is tell him the truth. or at least part of it.
“i don’t know if i can take you leaving the way you do again, finn.” mari begins, at first having a hard time looking at him, but after a second, she decides to be brave and hold his gaze. “i’m... never going to beg you to stay. i don’t want you to feel suffocated by me, or that i’m holding you back from what you want to do, but... just promise next time you’ll tell me you’re leaving.” marigold pleads, taking his hands and holding them tightly in her own. she doesn’t think that this is asking too much of him. she’ll let him go, as long as she can just say goodbye. just tell him to be safe. kiss him one more time. “or at least give me some kind of a sign. i know you’re gonna go, but i’d appreciate a warning.” this is the most marigold has ever opened up about how she’s felt about all of his disappearances, and she’s actually quite proud of herself for what she’s said so far. this may be all she decides to tell him, but it’s something, a start. and hopefully he’ll take it to heart and not leave her hanging the way she’s used to. “t-that’s all... i just needed you to know. i just need you to do this for me.”
trusting, is what she is trying to be, but the chances of him following through are slim to none. she doesn’t even wait for the official promise that he’ll give her the sign she’s basically begging for, only straddling his lap on the couch and burying her face in his neck, missing his woodsy, grounding scent of his skin so much. “did you miss me?” she asks, pulling back and cupping his cheeks in her palms. her smile is genuine, but she’s still hiding a sadness behind her eyes. “i hope you did. i missed you.”
this is her unfortunate normal. forgiving, constantly forgiving. anyone and everyone that’s hurt her, marigold doesn’t let it get to her heart. whether it be her horrible sisters, or the mean girls she sticks around, or the way finn uses and loses her, she will always forgive. it’s her weakness, the kindness she gives so willingly to others, but it’s also what keeps everyone at her side, and marigold liked by everyone, which is what she thinks is all that matters.
MARIGOLD & FINN: and now that you’re mine, i’ll be there on time. you’ll be on my mind.
{ honeymoon // lana del rey | ever since new york // harry styles | ladies of cambridge // vampire weekend | everything goes my way // metronomy | still beating // mac demarco | broken // gorillaz | the world is watching // two door cinema club | if it’s not with you // phoenix | 505 // arctic monkeys | the blackest day // lana del rey | hiding tonight // alex turner | what kind of love? // childish gambino | winter’s ballad // cuco | midnight snack // homeshake | million miles away // washed out | all your love // jakob ogawa | my kind of woman // mac demarco | chapel perilous // mild high club | taxi cab // vampire weekend | sun // two door cinema club | slow // homeshake | what is love? tell me, is it easy? // hala | sober // lorde | american spirits // dreamgirl | she wants // metronomy | home at last // homeshake | your hand holding mine // yellow days | timeline // mild high club | you’ll be on my mind // jakob ogawa }
of course the one night rosalie plans on staying in, she ends up leaving her apartment on a journey to some party where drunk sullie happens to be waiting to tell her something. it’s not like she doesn’t have her ideas as she waits for the uber and then greets the woman politely when she shows up. even through the idle conversation she’s wondering what he needs her to be there in person to say. she doesn’t want it to be something stupid, she allows herself that one wish so she won’t hold tight to the possibility that it pertains to something romantic between the two of them. eventually she arrives, her casual outfit about as casual as she can manage, with heeled boots instead of stilettos and black jeans instead of a skirt. she weaves her way through people with quick hello’s in search of sullie, wrapping her fingers around a bottle of water on the way, carrying it with her until she finally spots him. she can’t help the smile that forms on her face as she approaches, the amusement hard to help. “hey, there you are.” she greets, holding up the bottle in her hand. “do you need this or did you listen to me?” she asks, leaning into the arm of the nearest couch. “and don’t make me wait on whatever it is you need to tell me, i came all the way here so i wanna know right this second.”
MARIGOLD & FINN: ♫ ... one night, a meteor came to my door and he asked me to dance. one night, a shooting star... he traveled far just to ask me to dance ♪
MARIGOLD: youre coming back soon yeah ???MARIGOLD: please do’t take too longMARIGOLD: partially beause of me needing mroe alcohol!!! and also because i need to grab onto your shirt and pull you realllylyllyly close. MARIGOLD: basically what im saying is i need you to hold me plaese! MARIGOLD: so please come back
