#trigger warning ocd

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Had a really good appointment with my psychologist today and detangled some more do my ocd. We were talking about how I constantly need things to feel even morally so if I feel like I’ve done something wrong I need bad things to happen to me as penance to “make it even until it feels right” and getting to the root cause of why that might be and where it came from.

[odetteoubliette]

magical thinking (ocd) warning

Magical thinking is such bs like what do you mean I fear that [Action] will lead to [Consequence that, by all logical accounts, is not possible to be caused by Action]. I can recognize this and still be trapped by it. How come recognizing this is not enough to stop it smh this is bulllllshit

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Massive rant

I feel like I never know who to talk to about this because I feel like their default response is always “sexuality is fluid ! It’s okay to be bisexual!!” When that isn’t at all what I need

I get so in my head about my lesbianism at times. I get really confused too. I think it’s solely my OCD honestly but it’s still really hard.

I was talking to my gf the other day about how I often feel like I’m lying about being a lesbian and I’m in all ways other then romantically and sexually being into men bisexual. Which makes NO SENSE. I’m not sexually attracted to men. I’m not romantically attracted to men. Obviously when I was little and a teen and confused about myself I had moments where I thought I was romantically into men but that was only because I stupidly assumed any positive feeling I had towards a man meant I was attracted to him and any attraction I felt towards a woman was just because I felt positively about her. Like I had around all the wrong way.

I just get so worried that maybe I’m lying or maybe I’ll one day discover I actually am attracted to men. And like it’s not the prospect of being bisexual that’s upsetting. If I find out I’m bisexual then I find out it won’t change anything. It’s more this confusion I have over why I’m so hyper vigilant over it.

I’m grossed out at the thought of having sex with a man. I don’t want that. Yet I still doubt myself so often. I get all in my head over it.

I had a massive breakdown the other day crying all over the floor because I was somehow convinced I was lying to myself and everyone else over being a lesbian. I’ve spoken to my gf about it a lot and her response is always “nothing you have ever told me has made me feel like you aren’t a lesbian” yet I still feel like I’m lying

I get so weird and insecure around other lesbians. I went to a lesbian event a last week and while I was there I felt so lonely. I kept thinking all these women are actually lesbians but I’m lying about it. My attraction to women isn’t real like theirs is. Mine is phoney. Mine is wrong.

Or I’ll see a lesbian couple and feel jealous almost. “Oh they are really lesbians. I’m not. I’m broken.”

Or I’ll see a lesbian couple and think “I’m not attracted to either of them. I must be lying about myself. I’m not really a lesbian”

I think it doesn’t help either when I’m really depressed like I am now so I just don’t feel much of anything. So my relationship feels more empty then I know it logically is. And then I start getting relationship and sexual orientation ocd and have nothing to combat the obsessions with because everything feels so empty.

I just wish my brain wouldn’t make it all so difficult for me. I wish it wouldn’t try to convince me of things I KNOW aren’t true.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I think the hard thing is too I can’t drive so public transport makes everything take wayyyy longer and it’s very overstimulating for me at times. Like I can do it I’ve been getting myself around for years now. But it’s still hard.

And it’s not like I can just learn to drive because my ocd would genuinely make that impossible. I’m not going to be getting anywhere quickly or well if every 2 minutes I start being convinced I killed someone like that’s just not happening.

I am doing more intensive work with my psychologist but we are still working on me like not checking my bad multiple times we are nowhere near the heavy and life impacting stuff yet

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I end up feeling so much guilt with one of my ocd thoughts and it makes me spiral because I take it as proof. If I feel so much guilt surely that means I did it. Why else Woolf I feel guilt ?

It’s an endless cycle and I can’t take it

[evilschooldropout]

I think one of the many upsetting things about ocd i don't see mentioned much in media is when somthing you love suddenly becomes cursed and you can't interact with it anymore

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

thanks for replying!! how will you know if you don't feel for her anymore or if you do want to cheat? how do you tell the difference between ocd and your gut telling you that you don't want this anymore?

Anon you and me both have that question! Lololol.

As for the cheating one (not necessarily the most healthy or helpful way of dealing with it but I haven’t started seeing my OCD specialist yet so I don’t currently have the tools I need for it) I’ll normally just talk to my gf and say “I’ve done this or thought this does this mean I’m cheating on you?” And everytime she says no. My GF is very very very patient and mental health informed so she’s good at let me talking to me about my obsessions and being logical about it which helps. But again I have the bad habit of asking the same question over and over again.

As for if I don’t want to be with her anymore. I normally try to sit down and be like okay. What am I feeling. Why am I feeling this way. What would I change if I could. What would my life look like if I broke up with my gf, is that what I want. And if I don’t know I’ll either go to sleep (number one coping strategy lol - but also I’m unemployed and on disability payments so this isn’t something that’s accessible to everyone at the drop of a hat) or try to distract myself until the feeling passes. Sometimes talking to my gf or mental health team also helps. Not acting in the moment and just letting myself sit with the feelings is always very helpful though.

Hope you have a great day! ♥️♥️

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I had an ocd induced episode today and was in reassurance mode. While calming down I was talking to my gf about what it’s like for her dating someone with such intense ocd and she said it’s akin to talking to that one annoying guy in a philosophy class where everyone has come to a mutual understanding and he just throws the most stupid thing at you and won’t listen

I thought that was a pretty good analogy honestly