Sirius had suspected that Y/N was hiding something from him and the rest of their friendship group ever since they'd gotten back from Christmas break, he just had no idea how bad that thing was.
Trigger warnings for sexual assault, explicit injuries, violence, mentions of sh and body image issues
Word count: 4.5k Masterlist
When early morning came, you woke up as your body had trained itself to do. You sat up and stretched, looking down at your sleeping boyfriend with awe. His handsome face was something you’d missed.
Despite the anxiety that last night had caused you; you were glad to be on properly speaking terms with him again and relieved that he'd remained calm. But there was still a part of you that felt guilty and uncertain, after all you hadn't told him what actually happened - something that you mostly blamed herself for. It was definitely something that you needed to sweep under the rug and have him forget. Slowly so as to not wake anyone, you crept out of the room and made your way down to the showers where Lily would probably be waiting.
Meanwhile, the lack of his girlfriend's warmth had eventually stirred Sirius awake. The boy didn't panic, being used to your early morning ritual, instead his heart instantly sank as he remembered the revelations of the previous night. He'd hardly slept and he was still tired, but there was no way he was getting back to sleep.
Though, now that the unusually fragile girl wasn't there, he could truly vent his feelings about what happened. Not just the assault, but also that you’d tried so hard to hide it from him. He looked over at James and Remus who were both still sleeping and thought about waking them for a moment but then decided against it, instead going to the room of requirement.
When he reached the room, it revealed his usual comfort place that it provided - cosy sofas, a stacked pantry and a fireplace not too dissimilar from the Gryffindor common room - but now there was also a practice dummy in the middle, presumably for him to unleash his anger onto. It didn't help his mood, and he rolled his eyes and scoffed before slumping into his usual seat and lighting a cigarette.
The dummy wasn't enough.
He wanted to kill the rapist.
Not fling spells at some stupid dummy.
It almost stared at him in a mocking manner - a taunt of what he should've been there to do in the first place. A lot of thoughts were going through his head and a lot questions. Why did you try to hide it from him? What exactly happened? Could he ask you what exactly happened? Who was the bastard perpetrator? Would you even want to tell him? What if it was someone he knew? How could he fix this?
Sharp, frustrated drags meant that his cigarette was soon finished and he immediately lit up another one. The bruises and hickies were engrained into his brain, now taking front and centre stage and making him feel sick. Not knowing what exactly happened only filled his head with the worst images too. Those marks indicated a certain level of violence that actually made the boy feel quite terrified. What if the bastard had wanted to kill you? Sirius wouldn't have been there to stop it.
The grip around his cigarette was tightening as his fists clenched, eventually to the point where his knuckles went white. With gritted teeth, he threw the end onto the ground and quickly withdrew his wand, sharply jabbing it in the direction of the dummy.
A flash of light sent the metal doll backwards a few feet, but did no real damage - only enraging the boy more.
He now stood up and with a more sophisticated hand movement - though it still remained jagged and angry - shot a hex at the dummy, his voice hissing as he did. That sent it flying across the room, landing with a loud crash that still wasn't enough for Sirius.
Releasing his rage fully, he started to shout a string of explosive hexes at it, one after another after another. Bright bursts of light along with the loud bangs of the dummy hurtling into the walls filled the room in a deafening manner - reflecting the turmoil the boy felt inside. After a minute of this, the dummy of course wasn't destroyed and so he threw his wand to the ground with a frustrated groan.
"Fuck!" He spat before dropping onto the sofa again, running his fingers through his locks with a sigh.
The grand door to the room opened and James stepped in. He'd woken up to go to the toilet originally, but upon seeing Sirius' empty bed and remembering the mood his friend had been in the previous night; he decided to get up and find him - which wasn't too hard considering there were few places the Gryffindor would be. Upon seeing the dummy, wand tossed on the ground and Sirius' dark scowl, he figured that he was still in a bad mood.
"Whatever she said was that bad, huh?" He chuckled, sitting down next to Sirius.
He, Remus and Peter had tried to figure out what the secret was last night, shooting theories between each other after they saw you crying in Sirius' arms.
The lycanthrope had suggested that perhaps your parents had done something cruel again - like how last year they'd kept you locked in her room for a whole week all because you’d spoken out of turn one time - maybe they'd done something worse this year. Maybe your already mad dad had finally cracked and used the Cruciatus curse on you as he'd been threatening to do so for years, or perhaps he'd done something else unforgivable to your complacent mother - leaving her even more useless than before.
Peter had suggested that perhaps you’d been tricked into believing a particularly bad rumour about Sirius, after all it wasn't uncommon for jealous girls to make up lies about the heartthrob, although you usually ignored them. There had been times in the past when you’d been presented with false evidence that your lover had betrayed you; by sleeping with another girl or by saying something cruel. The lengths that some girls would go to to fabricate the evidence was quite astounding after all. But this would usually be solved by a simple conversation between yourself and Sirius, not a week of avoidance.
James couldn't decide between those two possibilities, throwing out a third that maybe, just maybe, you were hiding something else entirely... he proposed that you were pregnant. It would make sense; how emotional you seemed, the awkward avoidance, the fact that Lily knew but he didn't. Pregnancy was the kind of thing that girls kept to themselves, wasn't it?
Sirius turned to his friend with a stressed sigh and lit another cigarette before he spoke, leaving a moment of silence between the two. He thought about how he'd say it; if to say it at all. But he desperately wanted his brothers advice, so decided not to beat around the bush - the boys had always been so straightforward with each other after all.
"She was raped." His voice was low and he took another drag before continuing. "I don't know anything more... I don't know who did it, when, where..."
"Well what the fuck, Padfoot!?" James sat up straight and interrupted him with an annoyed half shout. His lighthearted mood had instantly died as soon as the words came out of Sirius' mouth. How dare someone do that to you; a girl that was practically his sister. Out of all the possibilities the boys had previously discussed, nothing like that had come to mind, and he felt unwell at the revelation. "Why aren't we out there killing that bastard?"
The raven haired boy shot back immediately, "I just told you why. I don't know who it is," he took another drag, "and.. I doubt Y/N will want to talk about it. I mean she tried to hide it from me for some reason!"
James stood silent for a moment, thinking what to say. While he could see the difficult situation that Sirius was in emotionally; his mind instantly went to payback - a deep desire to get revenge on whoever did this to his friend.
"I don't know why she would hide it from you." He finally spoke, unsure of how to deal with the emotional side of the situation. "But I mean, at least she did eventually tell you, maybe she was just processing it."
Sirius sighed again. "But that's the thing; she wouldn't have told me if I hadn't seen the marks he left... These dark, horrible bruises and fucking hickies." His voice was nearly monotone but his clenched fists revealed how angry he really was. "The bastard really fucking hurt her."
Another moment of silence passed as James took in the disheartening information. Even just the thought of someone doing that to Lily made him feel nauseous with rage, so he could only imagine how his brother felt now.
But there was no part of him that could picture the pain you felt. His heart ached for you. A girl that always kept up such a strong appearance, despite being her friend for years he'd rarely seen you cry, so last night when you’d quickly passed by it was a serious cause for concern. Now that he knew why you were crying, he wanted nothing more than to kill the person who hurt her.
"I'll talk to Lily." He said plainly, patting Sirius on the shoulder. "You should go find Y/N, make sure she's doing okay before breakfast starts."
Sirius nodded, a slight weight being lifted now that he'd spoken to James - but only very slight. He stood up and turned to the clock on the wall.
"I think it's already started mate." A tired half smirk started to form on his lips as he gestured towards the door. "Let's go."
Meanwhile, you were feeling more like yourself now that you’d told Sirius - even if you really didn't want to. Hiding from and avoiding the boy that you loved so much had not been doing your mental health any favours after all.
But you still felt weird; dirty, weak, violated, sick, embarrassed. Not quite fully yourself yet.
Earlier that morning, upon meeting Lily in the showers, she had given you a potion to heal the ghastly marks, which you very graciously accepted being useless at potions yourself. Accepting something that you knew came from a place of pity was an uncomfortable feeling, only decreasing your self esteem further. But nonetheless, you were grateful for your friend and pleased that the reminders were now gone - the physical ones anyway.
"Why didn't you get those fixed up at Pomphries?" Lily asked, although she was sure she knew the answer, before muttering a drying spell to cover you both.
"She would ask too many questions. You know that." You replied shortly before turning to face her. "And no more questions from you either please! I just want to forget this happened."
Although Lily disagreed with the coping method, knowing it would eventually implode, she understood why you wanted to forget it and so agreed to drop it - providing one thing.
"I'll never bring this up again, if you promise that when you feel bad you'll tell someone.. And don't just brush this under the rug and act like it's all fine, I'm here for you, okay? And so is Sirius, and everyone else."
But while you understood her reason to say this, and did believe that your friends would be there if you needed it, there was still a worried uncertainty that you had about Sirius. Did he think of you differently now? Tainted in some way? Nonetheless, you forced a smile and nodded, earning a satisfied smile back from Lily.
You were both silent for a moment, removing your towels and putting on your clothes quickly so as to stay warm before heading back up to the dorms, but not for too long as Lily spoke again.
"Soo, have you heard about Parkinson and Mulciber?" She smirked, seeing your ear perk up.
"No I haven't, do tell." You smirked back at her and the you both made your ways up to the dormitory like things were completely normal.
Whilst giggling and gossip, you also got ready for the day ahead - applying some makeup, brushing hair and tidying uniforms. Lily never did much to her appearance; feeling much more comfortable in her natural skin than the rest of the girls in the dorm. Yourself and Marlene wore the most; putting dark around your eyes and a tint of pink on your lips - something that had been known to drive a few of the boys crazy.
For the last week, you’d had hardly bothered with her makeup - another telltale sign that something was up - so all of the girls were silently relieved to see you putting it on. You were also internally applauding yourself, knowing that having your face on would make it easier to pretend that things were normal.
After a while of chatting, the girls eventually headed down to breakfast, excited to see their boyfriends. Excited and a little nervous.
You were nervous for the previously mentioned reasons; the insecurity and self blame. Lily was nervous for you. You’d both briefly discussed the previous night; Sirius' reaction, and was sure he'd have some questions at some point. She was also fairly certain, although she didn't say it to you, that Sirius would've told James, meaning her and her boyfriend were probably due for a discussion of their own - most likely centred around the names and locations of the perpetrators.
Oh how she wished she knew more.
Once they reached the hall and sat down in their usual place, the two girls were disappointed to not see their boyfriends at the table. Remus, Peter, Alice, Mary and Marlene were there though so you sat with them. Everyone was pleasantly surprised that you had actually joined them for breakfast, even more surprised when you started to talk like you hadn't been practically mute the day before and weirdly distant for the last week - even Lily was surprised.
'Is she really just going to act like everything is fine now?' The redhead mentally scoffed before remembering 'Of course she is. When has that girl ever dealt with her problems properly?' Although a part of her also felt that she would too have a similar reaction, she was hurt that her friend had almost instantly broke the promise.
"Where are the boys? Still asleep?" You smiled at Peter and Remus before starting to eat.
"Don't know, weren't in the room when we woke up. Might've gone somewhere for a smoke." Remus answered, shooting you a smile back despite his internal suspicion. He had been worried about you all week and now you were acting like everything was fine again. Was it really just some dumb drama between you and Sirius? "Soo are you okay now?" He added, treading softly.
All six pairs of eyes landed on you - something that you were acutely aware of and instantly needed to brush off. You quickly and cooly replied "Yeah I'm fine, was just on a major come down" and continued eating. Peter and Alice seemed content with that explanation, going back to their food and Lily just awkwardly looked away - feeling slightly implicit in a lie. The other three pairs of eyes remained on you though, wanting more explanation now although each for different reasons.
Marlene was mad that there was some muggle drug taking that had happened and she wasn't invited, blurting out "Are you serious? Where and when was my invite?" Which was shortly followed up by a slightly concerned Mary saying "What the hell did you take? I've never seen a come down like that from molly."
Now you were beginning to feel really uncomfortable; far too vulnerable - which turned to frustration - clear when you replied "I took way too much shit and I don't want to think or talk about it."
That brought everyone's eyes back to you again. You loved telling stories, especially the drug and party ones, why would you not want to talk about this one? However, they didn't want to upset you and make you act weird for another week - you were clearly a lot more volatile than usual - so they quickly dropped their stares and moved onto the next topic of conversation.
Suddenly, a pair of hands were on your shoulders and you initially jumped at the touch - expecting it to hurt - but then you remembered that the bruises had been healed. It didn't hurt anymore. Maybe you were still a little bit nervy. And so you sheepishly tried to pretend that hadn’t just show a major moment of weakness, turning to Sirius with a smile although he, James and Remus all saw the initial reaction.
"Hey baby. How are you?" You nestled into his side and he wrapped his arm around you, sending you a smile despite his inner emotional turmoil.
"I'm okay, how are you?" He hoped that you would be honest and atleast say 'not the best' but you turned to him and grinned "I'm great!" which gave him a sinking feeling in his gut. So now she's just going to pretend everything is okay?
Everyone else was equally shocked by the cheery response, their eyes moving back onto you again and minds racing with questions that they didn't dare to ask. Lily couldn't help but scoff at the act but also said nothing.
In truth, being in the presence of Sirius did make you feel good - way better than you had been feeling, but you still didn't feel amazing, certainly not as amazing as you were putting on.
"I slept well, did you?" You continued, looking up at Sirius with affection and moving a hand to play with his hair. That wasn't a lie; being in his arms had given you the best nights sleep you’d had since arriving back at Hogwarts.
"No I, uh.. couldn't sleep." He stammered in response as he thought about why. Surely she wouldn't have expected me to sleep fine after the bomb she kind of dropped?
"That sucks for you, I feel as fresh as a daisy." You teased before placing a peck on his cheek with a giggle.
So she really did think everything would just be normal again now.
This act continued for the next few days, fooling a lot of people although no one close to you. It was already tiring you out but it felt necessary to keep up appearances and not worry your friends any more - especially your boyfriend. That previous week of weirdness had to be forgotten about. The last thing you wanted was for Sirius to think of you as tainted or some victim. And you didn't want to think of yourself as that either.
Despite this, the attack played on your mind whenever it had a moment to wander and kept your body on edge. At night, your subconscious suffering kept you panting and clinging desperately to Sirius - something that only added to his worries. He knew that the tough outer facade was fake - revealed by whatever was haunting your dreams - but he didn't know how to address it, which was becoming increasingly irritating.
Another early morning was spent in the room of requirement, slinging vicious spells at the dummy and chain smoking cigarettes.
The raven haired boy had hardly slept because he was so worried about his girlfriend and for her to continue acting so nonchalant felt like a sick joke to him. You were the most precious gem in the world, the one thing he needed to protect, and the fact that he hadn't been there to do that was driving him insane. That and the fact that the scum bag was still out there - living, breathing, alive, while he felt rotten inside.. and was sure that you felt far, far worse.
James eventually joined him, sitting on the sofa with a cigarette between his fingers as he watched his friend's anger become unleashed. He too had been worrying for you - especially seeing how much your strange behaviour was also upsetting Lily. His girlfriend had never expressed so much worry for her best friend before.
"I don't know where she gets this energy from! T-to put on this act from the moment she wakes up... it's madness!" Sirius continued his monumental rant between aggressively casting spells at the dummy. "And whenever I try to talk to her she just... bloody deflects and lies!"
As he spoke he got more annoyed, eventually throwing his wand to the ground and himself onto the sofa, earning a scoff from James.
"Fucking hell mate, I think you just complained about the same thing on repeat for about ten minutes straight there." He handed his friend the cig carton with a straight face.
"Like you wouldn't be doing the same if it was Lily?" Sirius shot back with a glare as he took the carton.
"If it was Lily I would've killed the guy by now." James instantly regretted saying it as soon as the words left his mouth - although he did believe them and planned to stick by them - perhaps it wasn't the right time. Sirius scoffed and turned to him again, this time his eyes revealing hurt while his lips remained downturned.
"Don't take the fucking piss, Prongs." He hissed, lighting his cigarette and taking a sharp inhale. "You'd be moping around like a fucking baby-"
"Oh because that's not what you've been doing?" The taller boy cut him off, now too growing frustrated. "Just fucking ask her for his name! You've not even done that-"
"You've seen how she's been acting! You're really telling me you'd ever demand any information out of Lily?" Sirius shouted over James and stood up. His mind was racing. He picked up his wand and headed towards the door before muttering "I'm going to talk to her tonight" and leaving.
In truth, James had tried to get the name out of Lily but the redhead refused - scared of seeing her boyfriend and his best friend being sent to Azkaban. She didn't trust the two boys to be able to get away with any kind of revenge plot where Sirius was likely to murder the victims of said plot, they weren't known for being the most emotionally rational duo at the best of times after all.
After the confrontation, Sirius decided to miss breakfast, going straight back to his dorm and immediately jumping into his bed, flicking his wand to close the curtains. All he wanted to do was sit and think - mope around like a baby as in his own words. But that was cut off by a curtain being flung open unexpectedly by James, who had calmed down and felt like a dick.
"I'm sorry Pads, come on, this ain't gonna help." He said bluntly, although his face showed he cared.
Sirius, still annoyed, rolled his eyes and turned away but James carried on talking.
"We're all gonna go out drinking tonight, have a good time and forget about it. Alright?"
A moment of silence passed as Sirius thought about the plans for that night. Everyone had agreed to go into the nearby muggle town and meet at their favourite pub - one that was never too busy, had a big beer garden and served cheap drinks. You would be going so he had to go - not that he didn't want to - in his mind he had to be there to protect you, whether he was mad at James or not.
"Yeah. I'll see you later." He mumbled before shutting his curtain again, deciding to go back to sleep for a little while.
Meanwhile, everyone was midway through their breakfast in the great hall, chatting about their plans for the day.
It was a snowy Saturday, most of the older students were going to Hogsmead including Lily, Marlene, Alice, Remus and yourself. The rest of The Marauders had decided to stay behind and chill while the castle was more quiet, a calm Saturday for them that would surely include a lot of pot smoking, prank planning, duelling and jokes. All in preparation for a potential drunken blunderfuck of a night.
When James finally arrived at the table, you were disappointed to see that Sirius wasn't with him. Nonetheless, you kept a smile plastered onto your face and tried to ignore all of the paranoia you felt building inside. Was he annoyed at you? Did he change his mind and hate you now?
"Where's Pads?" Remus asked the question you had on your tongue.
"Being a mopey dick in bed. Probably gone back to sleep." The curly haired boy replied with a scoff before tucking into his breakfast. This answer instantly sent your head into even more of a spin. Was he upset? And if so, why? Was he now disgusted by you and didn't know how to break it off? Had you done something else to annoy him?
"What's he being all mopey for?" Peter snorted, being completely unaware of what was going on.
His question immediately put Remus and Lily's eyes onto James, anxious to hear the answer whilst your eyes awkwardly flicked between his and the table, your gut filling with dread. Potter looked over at the you and felt a similar sense of dread in his gut; his breath momentarily caught in his throat as he thought about what answer to give. It didn't matter what came out of his mouth though, everyone saw his uncomfortable glance at you. This instantly made Lily stiffen up, and then Remus picked up on it too.
"What are you guys hiding?" The lycanthrope asked, annoyed, but before anyone could force an answer, the bell rang to let students know that breakfast was over and it would be time to leave for the Hogsmead trip.
So like this is just bad. Like literally I wrote it as a request so so so long ago and never published it bc it was kinda lame. Sorry for y’all who enjoy the mess of my old writing that I took so long to upload this I had to eat mushrooms to go through and do it. Love y’all, stay safe <3
Happy SA awareness month, I wish every victim and survivor, silent and not, a strong, happy life and a smooth healing journey
As someone who has experienced multiple cases of SA myself, I'm so proud of every other survivor and victim out there. Thank you for staying here and living through such a traumatising experience.
My experience and trauma with SA has left me permanently scarred in ways I've probably still haven't unpacked. But I know I've managed to heal from some of the experiences I've gone through. And i'm proud of myself for still staying here and living through the experiences. And despite my lack of memory for every year between the experiences, I can remember each experiences vividly. But I am still proud of myself for pushing through.
hello here's another rant about something pissing me off and yk somehow I always will go back to amo gachiakuta and how the fandom treats her so
TRIGGER WARNING FOR SA !!!
stop going into detail about her traumatic experiences with mister !! infact I am actually going to call people out in this
uh so I want to talk about how weird this post is !! and there's a lot more of this but this one specifically I will show
I am no victim of sa, so do I really have much to say ? no, no I don't !! I am coming from someone who has a friend who is and we both discussed together how WEIRD this whole post is (clarification)
why are you thinking about this young child's traumatic experiences... like this ? like I don't know. I get wondering..? maybe coming up in your brain ... but maybe some things are better left said in your head I think ? like idk what's wrong with this person but WHY is that what you decided to post about ??? why did you decide to hit post on twitter.com today ??? this goes for a LOT of people
"valid question: how are her piercings not infected if she presumably did them herself"
"not valid question: why isn't amo PREGNANT"
^^ said by my friend
it feels like people genuinely just want to add so much more to amo's trauma than she already has like dare I say these people are WEIRDDDDD I get headcanons, but when it's something sensitive like this it's genuinely better to keep it in ...
and don't even get me STARTED with how if you do call them out for this they'll say "just scroll past if you don't like it"
does that apply to literal victims who have to read that and get triggered by it ? yeah you added a trigger warning but what good does that do ? how about you just don't post about it in the first place sick freak
this also applies to this one post I saw once I don't have a screenshot but trust me IT EXISTS
"tamsy put a p!nis on the angel to purposely trigger amo!"
"tamsy purposely tied up amo to trigger her!"
genuinely why are you making up these disgusting things like seriously genuine question how do people do this I'm so flabbergasted by this community bro
stop trying to make a character more evil than he already is whenever it's not even confirmed or even IMPLIED
please treat amo like a character or just like a young teenage girl who's way more than her trauma . in general, every sa victim or just any of the sort is MORE THAN THEIR TRAUMA !!! headcanon other things holy shit
I want to know who else is out there has an issue with speaking up?
When I was 12, I told a friend who I knew would tell my parents that my brother was molesting me. When we finally met, I realized that they spoke to him first and he was their golden child and whatever he said, I echoed because I was terrified. My mother is still a boy mom and my dad is a fucking loser.
When I was 14, I told a teacher. They told my mom. My mom told her friend who decided to ask me, what i didn't realize at the time, leading questions about me being gay (open secret). He decided that my lesbian experience was what I was talking about and not the escalating molestation from my brother.
My father blamed me for who I told, said it was my crush on the teacher. My mother called me a liar for months. Would shout at me in the hallway at home. Would wake me up at night to talk to me about myself, threatening to beat me. That went on for months until I stayed with my uncle briefly. It didn't improve when I came back home. Nobody did anything to protect me. They ripped up my police report. Stopped my psychologist visits. Pressured me to talk to my brother.
I was already cutting myself to deal with the fact that this was happening and nobody took my anger at my brother seriously. This boy used me as his own personal sex toy for years and ... started again or tried to start again when I was home from university. I don't know. Everybody I'm blood related to is a fucking poison in this world. Who's not a menace is a fucking coward.
There's so much to say and even though none of you know me, I still feel terrified that speaking up in anyway will ruin my life. I always wrote in my journal. I found out after my mother put me out that she went through it, deemed it all lies. I only started back writing comfortably in 2021 ish.
I wish I lived a different life almost everyday because I have to live every year seeing all my dreams be deferred. Sometimes I wish I did kill myself so I wouldn't have to deal with knowing that what I dream of may never come.
So yeah I panicked and deleted that other post because one of you assholes said I let my father treat me that way. But also, it is so so so so difficult to speak up. I live alone now and I have to practice EVERYTHING with EVERYONE so that I make sure I am safe. I work very hard to make sure every step I take will hopefully bring me closer to the life I deserve.
Don't let being online and being angry make you treat your sisters like trash. We're all fucking going through it. Our traumas probably look like intersecting venn diagrams.
Jokes and horniness aside, what incredible SA representation.
It happened all but exactly like that to me. A party. A friend, surrounded by friends.
Dana was beautiful of course, the shot of the way she reached for Ilana but held back was so important. The respecting of her space after it’s been ripped from her.
And Emma! A quiet, soft presence among the harshness and sharp feelings of SA. Someone soothing in the background to even Dana’s own voice.
“We could have played it a lot safer” my ass. Is what you meant by that the graphic depiction of Will and all the other children’s brutal, sickening sexual assault?
Trigger warning: Please read with caution, as the title states, this will be going into my thoughts and theory on the abuse of the boys in the Bilzerian family, and while I don't believe this post to be graphic, the subject matter is heavy and involves minors which can be triggering for some. Proceed past this line with caution❤️
Ok, I know that anyone who has seen the show is like “Fizzie, anyone with eyes can see that Jay and his brothers are deeply neglected and abused”, but because of how the abuse is usually shown in a dark humor way, I think it's played down to a way that some people don't realize that Jay and his brother might have been abused by more people than we realize….
Jay Bilzerian is a funny guy, and the abuse of his character is often the butt of a lot of jokes in Big Mouth, but how deep does that abuse really go? Over the seasons, we get small glimpses into Jay's disturbing home life through jokes and in one of the singular somewhat Jay-centric episodes we get in the early seasons, “Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality” we learn two very important things: Jay is abused by his brothers and neglected by his mom. Now, I know this may seem like something small in the grand scheme of things, but this actually tells us a lot about the inner workings of the Bilzerian family. You see dear readers, in this singular episode, we learn that Jay’s mom (Jenna) isn’t abusive in the sense that she’s verbally cutting down her boys at every turn or putting her hands on them, rather she’s neglectful and absent as a parent despite her presence in the physical home. Down the line we learn that her neglect likely stems from her dependence on the substances she self medicates with. Stay with me now, I’m not excusing the neglect of her children, but I think that Jenna’s dependence on substances is a result of abuse she’s also suffering, and considering her sewing room seems to be a sort of safe haven for her, it’s likely that while locked away in her little safe space, drunk or high, she isn’t fully aware of just how bad her boys are to each other. I know there are times that she seems fully aware of it, but I think that through her haze of numbing her own hurt, Jenna doesn’t has the cognitive function to actually grasp how her boys are being brought up or why it’s an issue.
So this brings us to the 2nd thing that the sleepover episode shows us: that the abuse Jay faces at the hands of his older brothers is child on child sexual abuse (COCSA). Sexual abuse in general is sickening, but I think there’s something especially chilling about COCSA because in many accounts, it tends to be something that was a learned behavior through abuse that the abuser suffered that they either don’t realize is wrong when they begin to imitate it with other children, or in some cases, it can be something that the children are encouraged to do to others by their own abusers…. Why does this matter? Other than being a clear indicator of why Jay is the way he is, this also points to the abuse being something that isn’t just happening with him. I believe that while actively abusing their younger brother, Val and Kurt have also been victims of abuse, and likely still are. Again, I’m not giving Val and Kurt a pass on how they treat their younger sibling, but I think it gives a lot of insight into why the pair are the way they are with him…. But that brings us to another question:
With Jenna being more neglectful than abusive, who is hurting the Bilzerian boys?
The obvious answer here would be their father, Guy Bilzerian, since we see do see him putting his sons down verbally, and we have accounts of Jay talking about his dad’s history of cheating on his wife and Jay being present for the aftermath… Do I think that Guy is abusing his kids? Yeah, I do. Do I think that he’s enforcing the boys abusing each other and pushing really poor core values and ideas on them? Also yes… Do I think that the abuse suffered at his hands is the abuse that pushes his boys to act the way they do? Not entirely.
Hear me out: Guy Bizerian is a piece of garbage who objectifies women and neglects the dozens of children he’s fathered…. But it also seems that unlike his wife, Guy doesn’t actually spend a ton of time in the home with Jay, Curt, and Val to dish out the kind of abuse that I think would foster the acts Jay and his brothers commit in the show. I could see Guy being the type to put his hands on his kids out of anger and be very heavy handed with punishments when he’s around to “parent”, but given the little we know about him, I don’t see any of the punishments he may dish out to his boys as being even remotely sexual in nature. Guy Bilzerian, to me, seems more like Terry Milkovich in Shameless; the type of man who could possibly be homophobic enough to punish his children for being gay by making them fuck a woman (we don’t see Guy enough to know how he feels about LGBT+ people or issues in the show, I’m going solely based off the vibes I get from his character through my multiple rewatches of the show), but I don’t think Guy would ever put his hands on his boys in a way that could be portrayed as sexual in nature and I don’t see him encouraging his boys to “act gay” in any derogatory way because Guy Bilzerian is a man very focused on appearance and reputation. He doesn’t care about how his family looks, or how he looks as a husband or father, but he does care that he looks like a pimpin’ ladies man with money, which gives him that sleazy vibe that everyone gets from him, and I don’t think he would risk that reputation by having sexual abuse allegations with his sons come out. But this beg the question again:
Who is abusing the Bilzerian boys?
The answer? Well, Jay actually says something in season 5’s episode “Thanksgiving” that actually makes me think that while Guy and Jenna haven’t been sexually abusing their boys themselves, they are both bringing people into the Bilzerian home who abuse their children, and I think that they may even bring these people into their home knowing that it’ll happen. In season 5, episode 5 of Big Mouth, Jay tells Nick, “Hey, don’t talk to Uncle Jay like that. You treat me with respect!” in response to Nick telling him that he wouldn’t be considered to be Nick’s uncle just because Leah and Val are dating, and he does it while snapping his belt and approaching Nick in a very menacing manner…. I didn’t think too much about it in my first, second, or even third rewatch of the show; laughing at the humor in it the way most do. But with the approach of the new and final season, I’ve been rewatching the show again and actually refreshing myself on the characters and plotlines in preparation for the last season, and I realized that this scene actually had a slightly darker tone to it than just the laughable “jay is dumb and doesn’t know what he’s talking about” bit. Growing up, I had uncles and aunts and cousins who my family had over constantly; I saw some of them daily and we were so close that I didn’t realize that these people had absolutely no actual biological or even marital relations to my family. It was work friends of my grandmother’s who watched my mom and her siblings grow up, highschool friends of my parents and their kids who were about my age, friends from church that I grew up with and never remembered not having around. And this isn’t super uncommon, there’s a lot of people who are introduced that way to kids by their parents when the real explanation is too long or complicated or when their parents just feel like that person is their family… This is also a trope in media that is used to convey that a parent is having an affair with someone or is seeing someone that they don’t think their child is ready to accept as their parent’s partner, they bring them over and introduce them to the kiddos as “Uncle Jake” or “Aunt Tammy” because that person is about to be inserted into the child’s life in what is usually a long term way. And after rewatching season 2 of Big Mouth, I realized that Jenna is really comfortable and confident in approaching Coach Steve for sexual companionship, meaning that he is likely not the first man she’s had over that isn’t her husband, and after seeing Jay react the way he did with Nick in season 5’s thanksgiving episode, I think that Jenna probably introduced her previous partners to her kids as “Uncle _____”, and if Jay’s little bit as Uncle Jay to Nick says anything, I think that more than a couple of these so called uncles Mrs. Bilzerian had over through the years have treated Jay and his brothers similarly to that…. And while this places a lot of blame for letting these people around the Bilzerian brothers on Jenna, we know from Jay’s own accounts that Guy isn’t shy about having his children around to see his dirty dog behavior he participates in with his own partners, even taking Jay to drop the women he’s screwing to planned parenthood for abortions and emergency contraceptives, and that he brings clients from his business as an attorney to his personal home (which would further normalize criminal behavior in their home and likely make their home horribly unsafe since it seems that Guy will take any case regardless of innocence or the fact that he’s supposed to be DUI attorney).
Jay’s parents cheating on each other doesn’t automatically mean that they also let their other partners abuse their kids, but if we look at the state of their marriage and them as individuals, it’s clear that neither one of them are present in their kids lives most of the time, so they might not know that these people are physically/sexually/verbally abusing their kids…. But it’s also likely that they may know and just not stop it, which would normalize a lot of the behavior they see and create this ideology in their developing minds of “if it’s not being stopped, then doing abc, xyz, and lmnop, is ok”, and then the boys continuing down that path until we get the COCSA we see being portrayed in the show between Jay’s older brothers and him, and the odd and creepy behavior we see from Jay through the seasons. If that is the case, and Jay’s parents do know that their children are being abused, I genuinely think that Guy is the type to not care and pass off parenting as his wife’s job, probably saying that it wouldn’t happen if she took carer of the kids or that its her job to know what’s happening in the home with the kids (despite the fact that men tend to be the ones portrayed as protectors and we know that he’s opening his home to host clients and he’s an attorney who likely has criminal clients), I also think that if the abuse occurring is happening at the hands of men Jenna invited into the house, Guy would paint her as a monster and claim to have not known what vile people his wife let around their children. And if Jenna knows, and she knows that the abuse is being done by men she brings into the home as her sexual partners, I think she’s letting it happen because it may keep the men coming back, and while she would know deep down that they wouldn’t be the type of men that are coming back for her, I think her depression and self worth are bad enough that she would have the mentality that being with someone like that was better than being alone…. And if Jenna knows that the abuse of their children is happening at the hands of people her husband have brought into their house, I honestly think that she’d be too afraid of Guy to speak up on behalf of her kids, which would likely add to her substance use since she would attempt to numb that pain and forget that it was happening since I think that she would feel pretty powerless in that situation.
The abuse of the Bilzerian boys is honestly really heartbreaking to me because I think that all three boys could be really wonderful kids, Jay himself is actually a very sweet kid if you watch the show and set aside the emotional dysregulation and creepy freak stuff that has attached itself to his character, but if my dark theory here is correct, I’m not sure how much of a chance these kids will have at normalcy in their world until they get out of the Bilzerian house of horrors.
