Journal Entry: March 8, 2015
Hey little buddy... and I'm sorry that I haven't even thought to pick you up.. I'm gonna try not to ever stop.
I'm writing into you know because, I need a friend... someone that can understand me.. and not judge me for the thoughts that are going through my mind.. I feel guilty for feeling this way.. because I know it's not right.. but apart of me hates her journal.. I hate her for leaving me.. I hate her for always putting work ahead of my and my brother and sister.. and all I wanna do is just yell and scream at her.. but I can't.. she isn't here.. and I need her.. I don't understand how you could hate and need someone at the same time.. but I need my mom.. I need to see her face... But I know that's never gonna happen... and its my fault.. I should fought harder.. for her to stay.. and now Alley doesn't have a mother. Richard lost a wife and Dylan lost a second one. Every night when I go to sleep.. I dream of her... I dream of her holding me.. telling me its okay... even singing our special song together..and I feel so happy again.. but once the dream is over.. and reality sits in.. so does the anger, the bitterness all over again..
Honestly journal I am so close to loosing it... I'm tired of pretending I'm okay..... The anger is starting to consume me.. take over me.. and now more then ever I hate the feeling of being alone...Mercedes she stays with me when she can... but I hate when she leaves... I literally feel like I can't breath when she is gone.. ..... and maybe I am being selfish holding on to her so strongly the way I am... but I'm so scared that I'm gonna lose her too... I have lost so many people that mattered... Trina and now my mom.. if I lose Mercedes... I don't know what I would do..When she left last night... I started to panic, and then my mind started to wonder, and I just got angry and destroyed all of my art work. Every paper, every piece of clay, every stick of pencils and paint brushes.... I had to quickly clean it up.. I didn't want my cousin coming over to see the mess that I made.... I can't show or tell people how I feel because they will think that I am crazy Sam again... So pretending on the outside, while screaming in the inside... is better for now...because maybe if I pretend long enough... I will start to believe it.. I know I have my friends and I have my girlfriend but honestly nobody understands... nobody will ever understand.. and right now... as I am sitting her writing into you... in my left ear the voices are scream "don't drink...don't drink.. think about all that you have over come" but the other voice is screaming in my right ear, saying "Do it!... Do it! nobody is gonna care...your alone now." The right voices are getting louder journal... very, very loud....