#trippyhippiewolf

[trippyhippiewolf]

From Clouds to Sun

Moab, Moab--sing, O my heart! How filled with gratitude and joy I am! Never before have I been so true to my heart. I have come into my own. This is where I belong, not in Indiana where clouds and gloom break my spirit. Now that I am back in the desert (my heart home), life has blossomed abundantly, beyond all expectation. My friends here are soul family, without a single doubt. Joy bubbles within me; most days I cannot help but laugh to myself...to the sky, to the ravens, to the Sun. If there is a God (outside of Us), it is surely the Sun. Life with Dan Suelo and the Moneyless Tribe is unique and beautiful. As of now, the Tribe consists of Dan, Matt, his dog Hawkeye, Cat, Julia, and I. To those who have come before and are yet to come, here is an honorary mention for you. Near or far, we are all connected; we carry the same torch through life and will continue to touch one another in the most precious ways. Dan is great. He's humble, kind, and warm: endearing. Spending time with him is relaxing and easy. The same goes for Matt, though he is very much his own person. He is my age; a Gemini, which for some reason seems to be a sign that comes into my life often. Cat and Julia are my age and a few years older, respectively. Surprisingly, they are both Leos and yet I like them a lot! Leo females aren't typically the type of people with whom I want to share my energy. With these ladies (so far) it's different--though I am more at ease with Dan and Matt because they do not demand the same level of attention. I love each of these people deeply. When I first met Julia, she told me, "Welcome home." How cool is that? This is home. Home, home, home! I knew I would find you this year, in a year 6 cycle: heart and home. Dan, Matt, and I are always laughing, joking, exploring--living as children. Living life as it is meant to be lived: fully. You might be curious as to how I manage without money. It is ridiculously simple! We have been house sitting since I arrived, but we've got a camp outside of town for when Dan isn't doing a house sit. Our food comes mainly from dumpsters--you'd be shocked to see the great food we scrounge up!--but also from friends. Additionally, there is a food bank (which Dan doesn't utilize since we typically have more food than we can eat!). I have all I need in life and much, much more, so richly blessed am I. In closing, I'd like to add some thoughts on perfectionism and living in the present moment. Grasping for perfection has drained my life of much happiness, as has clinging (with dirty, sticky fingers) to momentary bliss--be that minutes, months, or more--which I have experienced in the past. This action denies the perfection of the present moment. What is gone will never return; all is impermanent. If one cannot be content in each and every moment, life's meaning is lost. I hereby embrace and proclaim passionate love and appreciation for my imperfections. No longer will I hide beneath a victim mentality. And now, I leave you all with a quote:

"Perfectionism is an ugly thing, all stiff and rigid with pursed lips and beady little eyes. No one likes perfectionism. It comes from a stingy, mean spirited place and serves no purpose except to make us feel terrible about ourselves and anything we create. Knowing that perfect does not exist, or believing that creations (including ourselves) are perfect in their imperfections, lets us make a thing as good as we can, raising our work to the highest level our abilities allow. Then we are able to call it complete, release it, and move on."

[trippyhippiewolf]

Soon it will be time to leave Indiana; I should be back in the desert by the beginning of the coming week. Leaving, saying 'goodbye' (or 'see you later'), is always rough on my heart. Last night I was thinking on this, and missing Steven too. In large part, I choose never to stay put too long for fear of stagnating; being 'stuck' in one place. Although I desire to forge deep, meaningful relationships, this is hardly possible while constantly on the move, and in all honesty true intimacy is a bit of an enigma to me. Lately, I often wonder if I am scared of it. I consider myself an open and genuine person, but as neither I nor any one else is perfect, I see in others both the positive and negative. One never truly knows another person with one hundred percent certainty. This is, obviously, because we are always in flux (and if we're not, we probably aren't growing much).

It is difficult for me to decipher whether my travels are a form of escapism or merely (harmlessly) me getting out and exploring the big, wide world. Regardless, my chosen path feels aligned with my highest excitement, so how could I go wrong? The desert is my home, in this life and many others. Living outside in the frigid desert winter (it plummets as low as -20!) will be my biggest--but not only--challenge of this lifestyle. I am choosing not to focus or dwell on those until they're upon me, however. It will make life more peaceful. Best to keep the mind in the present moment as often as possible. I posses both the courage and strength to walk this path.

[trippyhippiewolf]

11:11

[trippyhippiewolf]

Lessons in Absurdity

Has the Universe ever forced you, because you failed to learn a lesson the first time (or second or third...), into inescapable cyclical patterns? It's like being stuck on a nightmare roller coaster. In this short lifetime, I've already taken that ride quite enough! An example of this is my going to Vermont last year. In doing so, I had hoped my relationship with my ex would infuse me with such pure love (if only I could absorb it into my bones), that alone might (almost) sustain me. I fostered a similar perspective--albeit significantly more sensible and practical--even as I ventured to Indiana last month. Never have I faulted myself for giving something a fair shot, though. Love is a spectacular blessing, but will only take a couple so far without a shared sense of purpose and direction. Time and time again, I have been taught the same lesson: lack of direction is not conducive to building a solid relationship. For how shall the blind succeed in leading the blind? Furthermore, it is clear that something I long denied is true, after all: love in itself isn't enough. It hasn't been before, and it won't be in the future, so I would do well to remember this.  It saddens me that this could not have been that absolution in love I have so yearned for, but I learned enough to fill an ocean in this short time. I acknowledge my expectations were unrealistic. The feelings of discontent bubbling within me are mine to resolve; no person, however amazing, can magically dispell them. In short, and in a positive way, I am literally better off spending a lot of time in solace. Too much exposure to outside energies creates anxiety in me, as I need ample space in order to remain grounded. It is simpler to handle my moods when I am alone--it encourages me to laugh rather than complain, to make light of apparently shitty situations. Our reason for parting is really quite simple: we each must follow our heart. His lies in Indiana, where he was raised. It is his home; he wants to build something here--relationships, a garden, a home--to be an active member of Fort Wayne's expanding progressive community. I understand his purpose calls him to stay; he would be unhappy elsewhere. But no matter how I twisted my mind around putting down roots here...it grated against me. It felt wrong, for my heart leads me elsewhere. The desert is my true home; when I leave, it must always be temporary. For this desert wolf, the icy North is best visited mid-spring to late summer. Again, Desert Mother calls me home; but I am grateful she does not mind that I often float away. :) Thus, I am making arrangements to go to the Moneyless Tribe in Utah. So it must be.

[trippyhippiewolf]

The desert is my home; I cannot deny my heart's calling. I need the sun shining down on me. These cloudy skies make me too depressed. I must go to Utah. Now? Do I wait till spring? Will this be the answer to what I am searching for? 

[trippyhippiewolf]

Hey look, another cover! Habits by Tove Lo.

[trippyhippiewolf]

Sounds of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel

[trippyhippiewolf]

That was unexpected. He's right, though, and it's worth something that he gave the situation so much thought. I guess it's up to me then. Do I trust in love and take this chance? (That sounds so cheesy, haha.)