#trumpitis

[phroyd]

Gee, What Country Does THAT Remind You Of?!

Phroyd

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1354: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert February 19

Sardonicus, the movie, would now be at $75 million domestic, $158 million international. Sardonicus the song would have been 41st last weekend. French Eyes would be at 94 pop and 87 country.

For the big announcement the format of the Late Show would again be different. After a brief monologue they would go to commercial, then the second segment would feature clips of Phillip performing and the team eliminating suspects, all posted previously.

Colbert: Welcome back. Tonight we are going to reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list, ending a long national nightmare. Gathered for this distinguished and auspicious event are a few of the people who were on the sick list revealed nearly 12 years ago. President Trump...couldn't be here tonight, but we do have Hall of Fame basketball star Dennis Rodman. Radio host Howard Stern, reality tv stars Kim and Khloe Kardashian, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck and Grammy winning singer Stephanie Germanotta (Lady Gaga) who is going to perform at the after party immediately following the show. (thunderous applause) Also with us tonight are a few of the people who were suspected of being the last name on Phillip's list. We have former Vice President and Presidential candidate Kamala Harris, my predecessor at the late show David Letterman and actor Charlie Sheen. (Big applause) Also with us tonight are some people still suspected of being the last name on Phillip's sick list: comedian and actress Whoopi Goldberg, prolific producer Ryan Murphy, comedian and talk show host Bill Maher, former newsman Geraldo Rivera, and singers Ice T and Mick Jagger, both of whom will also be performing at the after party. (thunderous applause)

So, without further ado, please give a big Late Show welcome to the man who made all this possible. He currently has a hit song rising in the chart, the theme song to a movie now playing Sardonicus. Please welcome the leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team : Phil Cole.

(I would walk out with a cane and glasses to the tune of Sardonicus.)

Colbert: Welcome, Phil, how are you?

PBC: I'm ok, so far.

Colbert: I notice you're wearing glasses. Is this a new look for you?

PBC: Not exactly; my wife Sharon Cox Cole of Shacocouture is now in the eyeglass frames business. She introduced the line at New York fashion week last weekend. Also I need them to see clearly now.

Colbert: Your eyesight is failing?

PBC: I'm afraid so. Not long ago I tried to shake hands with Susan Sarandon and found myself shaking something else.

Colbert: What did she do?

PBC: Grabbed my crotch and french kissed me.

Colbert: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha um...how is...the family?

PBC: Thank you for asking. Well, the last time I was here I said I had 3 terminally ill cousins.

Colbert: Yes.

PBC: Since then 2 of them died and the third lost her husband.

Colbert: She was sick but he died first?

PBC: Yes, so she's still very sick and...yeah.

Colbert: Now your new movie: Sardonicus with Justin Bieber, is a bit of a flop.

PBC: They can call it that, but I've got a pocket full of receipts.

Colbert: Cash flow problem?

PBC: Yes, my net worth is like a stream and sometimes there's more downstream than upstream.

Colbert: And the critics have been pretty harsh on your leading man Justin Bieber.

PBC: The thing to remember there is that we were making 4 movies at the same time, and we had to wait for certain kinds of weather for a lot of scenes. So most of Sardonicus was filmed first. This is his real acting debut.

Colbert: I see.

PBC: Maybe this is the right time to announce that I just signed him up for 2 more movies.

Colbert: Besides the 2 unreleased films?

PBC: Yes, I can't give the details yet but one of them is a biopic about a singer and the other one is a fictional story using some of the songs from one of his albums.

Colbert: How'd you think of that?

PBC: Actually, before his final illness Phillip and Ford were working on it. You see, we all took music classes in school and agreed it was basically a waste of time. There wee no tests, no home work, no final exams. So we thought up a great long term project: take any album and build a story about it by linking the songs. This will be my big project from grade 8 that I never had to do.

Colbert: I see. Now the last 2 movies, when might we be seeing them?

PBC: Well, one of them is an action blockbuster and the other one is an art house classic. Which one should we release in the summer?

Colbert: Kind of obvious.

PBC: Yes, but which summer? That's what we have to figure out.

Colbert: Well, good luck on that. Now the reason you're here tonight is to finally reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list. So let's start by taking a look at the top 10 suspects as of this week. We have...Hillary Clinton in first place, Vladimir Putin, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Murphy...the same people from last time with the new name in tenth place: Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Actually he was in the top 10 for a while long ago, just got back. So Phil, is the last name on Phillip's sick list in the top 10?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Colbert: Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after this.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 3

Colbert: Welcome back to the show. Phil Cole is still with us. Kim Kardashian has left the building. How do you feel, Phil?

PBC: Are you trying to bury Phillip or kill me?

Colbert: To bury Phillip; before we proceed to the ceremony do you have a message for our audience and viewers at home?

PBC: Yes;...Phillip died from Trumpitis, but he isn't the only victim. Many real people have died from this in the past several years and chances are every one of you knows someone who is suffering some portion of the many symptoms. Please, do your best to keep them alive for 3 more years. More importantly, do everything you possibly can to make sure no one remotely like him becomes President of this or any other republic, ever.

Colbert: Well said; now you can't have a proper funeral without a clergyman and we have with us one of the best in this area. Please give a warm Late Show welcome to Bishop Guido Sarducci.

(Don Novello as Bishop Guido Sarducci enters to the tune of Gloria Patri.)

Colbert: Welcome to the show. I didn't know you were a bishop now. Did Pope Leo promote you?

Sarducci: No, Pope Francis, abouta 6 years ago now, before the pandemic. A few Cardinals and bishops put in a good word for me-the ones I had incriminating photos against, and he promoted me.

Colbert: The next step is cardinal. Do you think you have a chance?

Sarducci, Maybe when I get a little older. You know cardinals over 80 aren't allowed to votea for the Pope. They might be senile or something.

Colbert: Yes.

Sarducci: So maybe after I'm over 80 a while, at leasta 82 or 83 in case someone miscounted, I might get a chance. You geta less time in Purgatory if you die as a cardinal.

Colbert: Well, I wish you the best. Shall we get on to the ceremony.

(We all walk to the middle of the stage where the urn with Phillip's ashes sits.)

Sarducci: In il nome della Patri, il Figli e lo Sririto Sancti, we are gathered to commit the ashes of Phillip the Boston intellectual to his final resting place. Though he was not of my faith I know he was a good man. He confessed to me once when he was getting sick and it only tooka 5 minutes. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

(They lower the urn through the trap door.)

Colbert: Thanks for being with us. Enjoy Thanksgiving. See you all in 2 weeks.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 2

Colbert: Welcome back to the memorial service for Phillip the Boston intellectual. Phil Cole, the leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team is with us. As you know Phillip died of a severe case of Trumpitis, an allergic reaction to any mention of the name of Donald Trump. This illness did not begin when Trump started his current term, his first term or even when he announced his first campaign. Phil, when did the symptoms first begin?

PBC: We first noticed them about 2006.

Colbert: Yes, ad while Trump made Phillip sick often, daily since 2015, he was not the only one who caused the symptoms. In 2014 he revealed the list.

(They show most of the original audition tape as posted long ago.)

Colbert: Yes, a dastardly rogues gallery indeed; joining us tonight is a special surprise guest, a person on Phillip's list. Please welcome back to the show a long time favorite of this and many other shows Kim Kardashian.

(Massive applause as I try to keep my composure. She sits beside Colbert as I go to the far end of the adjacent couch.)

Colbert: It's ok Phil, she's not contagious.

(I slowly go to the near end of the couch.)

Colbert: I take it you 2 have never met.

PBC: No.

Kardashian: Never spoke, no.

Colbert: So I understand there's a question you've been meaning to ask Phil for a long time.

Kardashian: Yes, why do you hate me and my family?

PBC: Well, er...first of all, it's not me that suffers indigestion when your name comes up. It's my late associate Phillip. Phillip of course was aware of your father from the days of that famous trial long ago.

Kardashian: Yes, that one.

PBC: I...never noticed him. I told everyone not to give me any updates until the verdict. They didn't comply, but I don't recall hearing about it, but he did, so that started the process.

Kardashian: Then what?

PBC: Well, eventually, you became famous too.

Kardashian: Yes.

PBC: I'll...have you know that neither Phillip nor I ever saw any part of that video...Uhhh...someone else on the team might have...but he's not here tonight. Eventually in fact, every time I...saw your face on a magazine cover or something...I...looked lower.

Kardashian: Thanks.

PBC: Then of course that reality series started came out and your whole family joined the list of...overexposed celebrities.

Colbert: Ha ha ha ha ha.

PBC: Now...when you take people who are already filthy rich...and give them money to be on a reality series, they invariably become richer...and filthier.

Kardashian: Thanks a lot.

PBC: If it makes you feel any better, the family appears to be the last ones added to the list. The rest of the team didn't know about it until we prepared the audition.

Kardashian: Well, now that your friend is dead we can start inviting you to our parties and weddings.

PBC: I'd be honored, but I don't get out much anymore.

Kardashian: Well, let's at least kiss and make up.

(She grabs my crotch and french kisses me.)

Colbert: We'll be right back after this.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1348: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert November 13

The show would have a different pacing than usual and permission from the network to go over an hour if necessary. Colbert would start with a very brief monologue. There would have been no government shutdown so few things would actually be happening. In the second segment he would have show a number of clips from Phillip's past performances all posted previously. So I would join him in segment 3.

Colbert: Welcome back to the show. This of course is a memorial service for our late friend of the show Phillip the Boston intellectual. Joining us now is the leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. Please give a warm welcome to Phil Cole.

(I would emerge and walk to the chair beside Colbert without a cane.)

Colbert: Welcome, this is different, no unbreakable cage, no wheelchair, no masks. What's the deal?

PBC: It's bad etiquette to kill a man at a funeral.

Colbert: Indeed it is. You're not even wearing a designer mask as usual though?

PBC: No, but I do have a bullet-proof t-shirt as usual. Besides I already have long covid, so I probably can't catch short covid.

Colbert: Can you give covid?

PBC: I think Fauci retired before we found out.

Colbert: Well...how do you feel?

PBC: Better than I have in years. I've gotten a lot of rest since coming home from Canada.

Colbert: And how's your mother?

PBC: She also rallied. She went from deathly ill to very sick.

(Mixed reaction.)

PBC: Don't worry! I've got at least 3 other terminally ill relatives.

(Loud applause.)

Colbert: So what are you up to?

PBC: Well, at midnight our new album: Phillip's Greatest performances becomes available. Then on January 9 we debut the second Justin Bieber film.

Colbert: Which one is it?

PBC: Sardonicus.

Colbert: Do you have a clip?

PBC: Yes, one of the best moments in the movie.

Colbert: So, what can you tell us about it?

PBC: It's a remake of a 1960s British film, but without the accents and less creepy atmosphere. It's very clean though, rated PG. It's good for kids who want to be a little scared, but not grossed out.

Colbert: And what is happening in the clip?

PBC: Justin Bieber plays Justin Sardonicus. I play his sick father Philip Sardonicus. We're having a big argument.

Colbert: Play the clip.

(Clip begins.)

PBC: You did it again! I've had it with your embezzlement. This one practically bankrupts us.

Bieber: This is different, dad, an investment.

PBC: Your gambling debts would have been an investment, if you ever won (cough, cough). What's different this time?

Bieber: A lottery. Look, I bought all these tickets and the prize is estimated over 50,000. If we win...

PBC: If! There's no investment if there's an if in the sentence. I'll take those tickets and if you don't win they'll be enough evidence to put you in debtor's prison.

Bieber: Give me back those tickets. We're going to win. I'm certain of it!

PBC" Stop...uhhh...uhhh (gasping)

(Clip ends.)

Colbert: Did you get better?

PBC: No.

Colbert: What else are you working on?

PBC: Well we just completed the preparations to produce a Canadian tv show called Tales of the Maritimes. That includes some of my old family stories. Also, we're going to do a sequel to the world's most disgusting comedian.

Colbert: Really?

PBC: Yes, all the actors whose characters survived the first movie are returning, even the one in prison. Also I heard you have some spare time coming up...

Colbert: Sign me up!

PBC: The contract's back stage. Plus we'll be holding a competition for a part, maybe a show.

Colbert: Well, a lot to look forward to. And we have a lot to look forward to after the break. Stay with us.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1344: Oldies with ____ ________, KLYC 1260 am September 4

Evan Paul would have read what he saw correctly, however the website he read it from would be using artificial intelligence and the device they were using, accustomed to seeing things I wrote ending in "not the last name on Phillip's list" would have substituted that ending for the words I actually spoke. The first person to quote me correctly would be a show that doesn't exist on a station that does exist. It's an Oregon station that plays classic hits.

In 2022 a struggling west coast comedian would have signed up with my agent and gotten more gigs, enough to quit his day job. Then he would have bought 2 hours of time per week on Thursdays from the station, using it to promote his upcoming gigs and introduce new material. He would have used my spoken quote immediately after a public service announcement at about 5:50 pm local time (3 minutes after the last post) Thursday evening.

PBC: Yes, Giorgio...Armani was a business rival of my wife, but nothing he did caused rot in Phillip's gut.

________: That was Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team in an announcement released a short time ago. In case you don't know, Phil is a one man team but he has a bunch of characters. One of them was called Phillip and that character gets sick when he hears the names of celebrities he doesn't like, especially the President. So Phillip died from the pain of hearing the name Donald Trump every day. Others on the list include a hodge-podge of overexposed celebrities like the Kardashians and Lady Gaga. One name remains secret and every time we lose a suspect Phil announces that wasn't him. I don't know why Giorgio Armani was a suspect. He made nice suits and died at 91. I think it's a comedian, a disgusting one who shows up everywhere, maybe Whoopi Goldberg or Kathy Griffin. It's an old list and Griffin was a big deal when he made the list. Anyway we should find out soon. If you have any thoughts you can call or text us. If it's good I might read it or play it on the air. Right now let's play another classic song from the best decade in the history of music: the 60s.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 3

Colbert: Welcome back. We've been talking to Phil Cole now as we have reached the final half hour before we pull the plug supporting his sick colleague Phillip the Boston intellectual. Previously we showed you some clips from Phillip's comedy performances. We now show you-for the first time on television in 11 years-the first audition of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team.

(They show it, as posted previously, from when Cole said, "Donald Trump" until he said, "There's 2 more names on the list", omitting only the name and reaction to O. J. Simpson.)

Colbert: That got the team on America's Got Talent. Just a year later however, Phillip's symptoms of Trumpitis went into high gear and he was very sick when the 2016 election approached. Then on November 7, 2016, the eve of the election, former Attorney General Janet Reno passed away and we learned that she was one of the last 2 names on the list. Since then, speculation about who the last name might be has been widespread with massive numbers of bets and a monthly set of updates on who the top living suspects were. Here on the Colbert Show we have earned the privilege of eliminating suspects every time Phillip and Cole's Variety Team appears. First let's take a look once again at the original list. That's a diverse rogues' gallery if there ever was one. In the audience tonight we have some of the people on the list, right there in the front row: Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Kim and Khloe Kardashian and a charter member of the list of celebrities that make Phillip sick: Howard Stern.

PBC: Vultures!

Colbert: Now let's take a look at some of the performances in which Phil and his colleagues eliminated a suspect, all on this show.

(They show several clips as posted previously.)

Colbert: And in the audience with us tonight are 2 of those persons who do not make Phillip sick: David Letterman and Charlie Sheen.

PBC: Vultures!

Colbert: Now Phil, every time you visit us you eliminate a suspect, one of the top 10. Tonight is no exception. Let's take a look at the latest top 10 suspects, sorry Dave, that's not intellectual property. First on the latest list is Vladimir Putin, second is Hillary Clinton, third is Ryan Murphy...then...keep going...it looks like...the same 9 people from the last visit in October, and the new name in tenth place is...Rupert Murdoch! So Phil, this will probably be the last time you eliminate a suspect. Which of these 10 will you eliminate tonight?

PBC: Calvin Klein.

Colbert: There you have it, number 8 on the list Calvin Klein. Stay tuned as Phillip and Cole's Variety Team tell you what they think of fashion mogul Calvin Klein.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1338: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert May 29

58-23 and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 72 and 74 respectively last week. My wife would have taken a long trip to Trinidad following the death of her former mother in law. I would be feeling a lot better when I got to New York for the long awaited pulling of the plug. They would devote the whole show, after the opening segment, to the event. So the following would come after the first commercial break.

Colbert: Welcome back. Well as you all know, tonight, in about 45 minutes we are going to pull the plug on Phillip, the Boston intellectual. For those of you who have been following this for years, this is the climax of a long ordeal. For those who don't know we now undertake to summarize the career of Phillip, the Boston intellectual.

Announcer:(with silent clips and still photos) Phillip the Boston intellectual and his colleagues in Phillip and Cole's Variety Team exploded into the national consciousness in 2014 on America's got Talent. Though the team of Phillip, Cole, Brad, Ford, Phil, Norbert and the Ranting Old Man did not win, they have proven more successful than any alumnus of the show, with hit films, songs and books. While the road to success seemed paved in gold, for Phillip there was much heartache and pain. In his first audition Phillip revealed that he was one of the first victims of Trumpitis, a feeling of queasiness at every mention of the name of the man who at the time was just a millionaire businessman and reality tv star. Beginning in 2015 when Donald Trump announced his first campaign for President, Phillip took a leave of absence from the team to deal with the symptoms. In the 10 years since he has been in a coma several times, but occasionally rallied enough to publish 2 books and occasionally perform on stage. Since November's election Phillip has been in a coma and with no path to health in sight, tonight we prepare to pull the plug on the troubled entertainer.

Colbert: Thank you. We now introduce Phillip to our audience for perhaps the last time. People in comas can hear you sometimes, so please give a long, loud welcome to Phillip, the Boston intellectual.

(A doctor and 2 nurses accompany a stage hand wheeling out a mannequin and convincing devices to the center of the stage.)

Colbert: Thank you. On behalf of Phillip, thank you. Dr. Noah Zamanski is with the patient. We'll chat with him later in the show before the plug pulling. Now let us look back on more time on some of Phillip's performances. I warn you, the following clips may be disturbing to some viewers.

(They show clips of Phillip's past performances, starting with the first audition and including his interview with Charlie Rose-all posted previously, down to his last conscious grunt.)

Colbert: Thank you. Of course Phillip is one of 7 original members of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. Also with us tonight is the leader of the team Phil Cole. Please give him a warm welcome also.

(They would draw the curtain on the far right of the stage. I would be wearing a tuxedo with vest and encased in a bullet proof glass enclosure as on some other occasions.)

Colbert: Welcome, Phil, how are you?

PBC: Long covid, sleep apnea, COPD, asthma and an irregular heartbeat. How are you?

Colbert: Will we be pulling the plug on you soon too?

PBC: I hope not.

Colbert: We'll be right back with more of Phil Cole and his team. Don't go away.