Post-AGT Appearance 1354: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert February 19
Sardonicus, the movie, would now be at $75 million domestic, $158 million international. Sardonicus the song would have been 41st last weekend. French Eyes would be at 94 pop and 87 country.
For the big announcement the format of the Late Show would again be different. After a brief monologue they would go to commercial, then the second segment would feature clips of Phillip performing and the team eliminating suspects, all posted previously.
Colbert: Welcome back. Tonight we are going to reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list, ending a long national nightmare. Gathered for this distinguished and auspicious event are a few of the people who were on the sick list revealed nearly 12 years ago. President Trump...couldn't be here tonight, but we do have Hall of Fame basketball star Dennis Rodman. Radio host Howard Stern, reality tv stars Kim and Khloe Kardashian, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck and Grammy winning singer Stephanie Germanotta (Lady Gaga) who is going to perform at the after party immediately following the show. (thunderous applause) Also with us tonight are a few of the people who were suspected of being the last name on Phillip's list. We have former Vice President and Presidential candidate Kamala Harris, my predecessor at the late show David Letterman and actor Charlie Sheen. (Big applause) Also with us tonight are some people still suspected of being the last name on Phillip's sick list: comedian and actress Whoopi Goldberg, prolific producer Ryan Murphy, comedian and talk show host Bill Maher, former newsman Geraldo Rivera, and singers Ice T and Mick Jagger, both of whom will also be performing at the after party. (thunderous applause)
So, without further ado, please give a big Late Show welcome to the man who made all this possible. He currently has a hit song rising in the chart, the theme song to a movie now playing Sardonicus. Please welcome the leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team : Phil Cole.
(I would walk out with a cane and glasses to the tune of Sardonicus.)
Colbert: Welcome, Phil, how are you?
Colbert: I notice you're wearing glasses. Is this a new look for you?
PBC: Not exactly; my wife Sharon Cox Cole of Shacocouture is now in the eyeglass frames business. She introduced the line at New York fashion week last weekend. Also I need them to see clearly now.
Colbert: Your eyesight is failing?
PBC: I'm afraid so. Not long ago I tried to shake hands with Susan Sarandon and found myself shaking something else.
Colbert: What did she do?
PBC: Grabbed my crotch and french kissed me.
Colbert: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha um...how is...the family?
PBC: Thank you for asking. Well, the last time I was here I said I had 3 terminally ill cousins.
PBC: Since then 2 of them died and the third lost her husband.
Colbert: She was sick but he died first?
PBC: Yes, so she's still very sick and...yeah.
Colbert: Now your new movie: Sardonicus with Justin Bieber, is a bit of a flop.
PBC: They can call it that, but I've got a pocket full of receipts.
Colbert: Cash flow problem?
PBC: Yes, my net worth is like a stream and sometimes there's more downstream than upstream.
Colbert: And the critics have been pretty harsh on your leading man Justin Bieber.
PBC: The thing to remember there is that we were making 4 movies at the same time, and we had to wait for certain kinds of weather for a lot of scenes. So most of Sardonicus was filmed first. This is his real acting debut.
PBC: Maybe this is the right time to announce that I just signed him up for 2 more movies.
Colbert: Besides the 2 unreleased films?
PBC: Yes, I can't give the details yet but one of them is a biopic about a singer and the other one is a fictional story using some of the songs from one of his albums.
Colbert: How'd you think of that?
PBC: Actually, before his final illness Phillip and Ford were working on it. You see, we all took music classes in school and agreed it was basically a waste of time. There wee no tests, no home work, no final exams. So we thought up a great long term project: take any album and build a story about it by linking the songs. This will be my big project from grade 8 that I never had to do.
Colbert: I see. Now the last 2 movies, when might we be seeing them?
PBC: Well, one of them is an action blockbuster and the other one is an art house classic. Which one should we release in the summer?
Colbert: Kind of obvious.
PBC: Yes, but which summer? That's what we have to figure out.
Colbert: Well, good luck on that. Now the reason you're here tonight is to finally reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list. So let's start by taking a look at the top 10 suspects as of this week. We have...Hillary Clinton in first place, Vladimir Putin, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Murphy...the same people from last time with the new name in tenth place: Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Actually he was in the top 10 for a while long ago, just got back. So Phil, is the last name on Phillip's sick list in the top 10?
Colbert: Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after this.