Truth-telling - Can Words Be Trusted – Under all Circumstances?
What is trust? According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, trust is an assumed reliance or the character, ability, and strength of someone or something. My definition of trust is someone who can do something without being checked up on or being able to depend on someone or their word. The focus of this blog will be ‘depending on someone’s word’. Can words be trusted? And, too, how grave are the consequences if trust is broken? Follow me on this journey as I explain how to better determine if the trust being requested or extended is authentic. Let’s begin with the classic American fable about the “The Girl and the Snake”—most will know it. Sometimes, it is presented as the ‘Farmer and the Viper’. The Girl and the Snake A young girl walking along a mountain path to her grandmother's house heard a rustle at her feet. Looking down, she saw a snake. But, before she could react, the snake spoke to her. "I am about to die," he said. "It's too cold for me up here in the mountains, and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains, and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you." "No," the girl replied. "I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. And, if I pick you up, you will bite me, and your bite is poisonous." "No, no," the snake said. "If you help me, you will be my best friend. I will treat you differently." The young girl sat down on a rock for a moment to rest and think things over. She looked at the beautiful markings on the snake and she had to admit he was the most beautiful snake she had ever seen. Suddenly, she said I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness. She then reached over, put the snake gently under her coat and continued toward her grandmother's house. Within a moment, she felt a sharp pain in her side. The snake had bitten her! "How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me, and I trusted you!" "You knew what I was when you picked me up," he hissed as he slithered away. Using the fable, let’s examine how we can better spot when we should give our trust or not to minimize being so easily fooled, deceived and sometimes victimized. Point One – Creating Empathy In the fable, the snake knows it has to gain the trust of the girl in order to achieve his goal. It attempts to create an empathetic situation vis-à-vis itself that is selfish, not selfless. "I am about to die," he said. "It's too cold for me up here in the mountains, and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains, and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you." When a person is asking that you trust them to complete a task on an agreed upon time, meet you at a given place, follow-thru on a promise or commitment, etc.; you assume the person’s word is trustworthy. That the person is not taking your needs lightly and the consequences resulting from their not following thru. Selfless is the opposite of selfish. If the person is selfless, they think less about themselves, and more about others. Being selfless is similar to being altruistic—they see their word as “a bond” to give to others without looking for personal gain or opportunity. As in any commitment, life happens and there are times we all have conflicts in our schedules, family/work/school obligations or illness. However, a selfless person who commits, typically comes with ‘no surprises’—you will know as soon as they know they cannot follow-thru. Generally, they will exhaust all avenues to try to keep the commitment – because they see the obligation as something they own and will work with you to try to resolve the dilemma you are now in. Now that's true empathy—seeing another's plight from a selfless perspective On the other hand, like the snake, for many people what is convenient or meets their needs is what is pursued or promised. How many times have you heard these phrases?: Please let me borrow your ___; and, I trust to treat it like my own and return it by ____. Or, presenting what I call a ‘situational commitment’—with many reasons that could keep them from following through but want you to still see them as trustworthy. Point Two – Honesty is the Bedrock of Trust Honesty is a very abstract word. It is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “adherence to the facts; refusal to lie, steal or deceive in any way.” Without a doubt, one of the main themes that run throughout Shakespeare’s tragic play, "Othello", is that of honesty. In the play, the most interesting character is Iago, who is known as "Honest Iago." However, this could not be farther from the truth. Through some carefully thought-out words and actions, Iago is able to manipulate others to do things in a way that benefits and moves him closer to his own goals. He is smart and an expert at judging the characters of others. "No, no," the snake said. "If you help me, you will be my best friend. I will treat you differently." We most often have either experienced or have knowledge of this type of honesty in our lives. Patterns of behavior will help to alert us to sort out honest vs dishonest promises or commitments. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice (or more), shame on me. Point Three – Wanting to Believe We all want to believe that inside each person is basic decency and goodness. When we listen to it and act on it, we give each other the kindness we all deserve. Or, do we? Suddenly, she said, "I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness." Clearly, the girl wanted to believe the snake and provide help to lessen its concerns. How does one know what is true or not? Truth can be divided into two types: The empirical truth and the truth defined by our beliefs or experiences. Empirical truth - what is observed, what can be tangibly learned from observation, not perception. For example, we know Starbucks makes coffee and other hot beverages. On the contrary, there is truth defined by our beliefs or experiences which we encounter the problem with the nature of truth. Considering that our experiences and beliefs differ from someone else's, we develop our own versions of truth. In most cases, our experiences and beliefs will go a long way as a “truth filter” for when to trust. Many times, our experiences of seeing consistent behaviors will sharpen our gut; thereby, giving us another reason to question the honesty of the situation or person. It does take courage to listen to that inner voice that may go against our own nature of kindness and goodness. Point Four – When Reality Sets in "How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me, and I trusted you!" "You knew what I was when you picked me up," he hissed as he slithered away. A snake bites you because it is a "snake" by nature—and a stunning liar to charm and manipulate you—until 1) you either open your eyes and ears, wise up and leave; or, 2) it moves on to the next victim. Remember, the snake doesn't have a conscience or morals like decent, God-fearing people, and any moment of regret it may feel, if any, will be quickly forgotten—that's how these kinds of predators operate, it's in their DNA. You cannot change the snake or the "snakes” that you encounter in life. Even the most beautiful, charismatic of God's creatures, especially those who call themselves our friends, when the need is to be selfless can fall to the selfish side of truth. Depending on what is at stake, the selfish behavior can turn to lying and manipulating. Do not allow your trust to be so easily manipulated by those who exploit, bully, and use others. Pay attention to the patterns of behavior—that is generally where the truth lies and where trust can be invested. Do you want to know what we can learn from the millennials? Click here. Read the full article