long ass, probably confusing, shouldnt give a fuck vent....it'd be hard to try and make sense of it...
so...tw for a lot of things...i dunno how to tag them...;-;
DID. probably the main topic on my mind right now. im trying to find out whats going on in my head....its fucking busy up there.
so, i have SOMETHING in my head...be it BPD or i dunno anymore.
But one thing i know for sure is that theres something. but it could be just placebo affect. it may sound wrong but i was always kinda jealous, of people with DID or systems. because the alters could protect them from memories and trauma.
and when i started to get a better understanding of how DID works...i was upset. because my mind felt so hallow, with all the memories and pain and horror just ringing in my head. there are just times where im so desperate for something, anything to be there for me to run towards to make me forget or to shield me from my pain but it would just make me angrier when there was nothing there. and this also got me thinking...is there something wrong with me? 15 years of pain, and lies, and abuse, and rape, and cutting, and horrible horrible unsaid things and events, constantly and nobody ever knew? i kept it all in and everyone still thought i was fine?
sometimes i try and convince my own self that that mask i kept up was to protect everyone, that the harsh words and thoughts were to be kept separate. so i compartmentalized, i separated my thoughts and emotions to not have to deal with the constant pain. but sometimes it slips through, and it doesn't even sound like me.
its cruel and its harsh and its raw emotion in a cocktail even i myself don't even have a name for. its uncontrollable, and its uncomfortable, and im scared it will get loose. im balancing and teetering my life during a balancing act of chaos....and id like to give in, but im reminded how my impulse hurts others, ruins relationships, destroys lives. and its all on loop inside my head constantly repeating and it hurts. "I want it to stop" words ive said like a mantra thinking it'd help in some way...
and i dont know whats wrong...ive changed so many times its hard to see through the millions of grayscales of myself...
i really do wish it would all stop sometimes...
