TW mentions of sh, gore, genital sensations, bodily mutilation. Less of a vent and more of an analyzation of myself.
When i was deep into self harm, cutting myself to be specific, i used to watch videos of other people self harming to, desensitize myself. I hoped maybe by doing that it would be easier to cut deeper. Also it was kind of a form of mental self harm too, since i actually can't stand gore. When I see really violent things, like gore or just really graphic horror movie scenes, my body somehow becomes more sensitive to pain. Moving my joins hurts, breathing hurts. I don't know why this happens. But to force myself to watch these videos of other people cutting, i tried forcing myself to act like i was enjoying it. Because my body hurts while watching these things, i would make pained sounds. You know, groans, winces. I started telling myself i was moaning because i enjoyed self harming. And after all that...I don't self harm anymore. But my "training" worked in a way i didn't intend. I don't watch gore anymore, but i'm currently playing a game where the player gets mutilated. And i can feel myself unwillingly throbbing and my blood rushing with excitement. I've trained myself into being aroused at the thought of someone mutilating my body. But my body still hurts watching these scenes in the game. It hurts but i still feel myself getting aroused. Obviously if i were to actually get mutilated or killed it would be incredibly painful and horrifying. The bit of pain i feel watching these things comes nowhere near to that of getting your limbs cut off. I can't help but fantasize though. I think this is a paraphilia? But i don't want to interact with the radqueer community. I'm hoping maybe i could discuss this with a psychologist in the future. I feel like i should try getting this to go away because what if it snowballs into something bad?
