I know no one wants to hear this from me. You can just skip this if you want to.
I just watched a playthrough of a video game that literally showed me what it's like to suffer for the sake of numbers and views. It's easy to lose yourself in the interaction you get online, regardless of whether or not it's positive. I've honestly felt that in a way that may be negatively affecting me and my writing.
I mean, I'm fine, don't worry. It's just the thought of me having to de-train myself from relying on the approval and praise of people I don't even really know, it's scary. You can often get lost in that feeling, it manifests into this ugly mass of guilt and self-hatred that can metaphorically suffocate you. The literal amount of stress it takes to stay relevant on any platform must be soul crushing.
When I first started making posts on this platform, I was receiving lots of that feeling. It hadn't quite become the overall sickening stress by the end of the first week, not even the second week. I just received so many likes that it became addicting to seek out others attention by writing. The whole "numbers game". Over 300 likes at my very peak of this "career"! Now a days I can barely hit 30 or on a good week maybe I'll hit 70 or more. That's still a lot of people, and believe me I'm very grateful for those who are still here.
I hate just how sick and disappointed that makes me feel. It fuels me with so many negative thoughts like:
"Do people not like my content?"
"Is the only way to get any kind of feedback is to do exactly what my followers ask me to?"
"Have I already become boring?"
"Have I been shadowbanned?"
"Why won't anyone talk to me? Did I do something wrong?"
The lack of interaction kills me. I hate how quiet it is here even when everyone's awake. It doesn't even have to be positive, tell me my work sucks! That you hate it! Tell me you liked it! Gush about the characters you like in my dms or comment section of my posts! I really don't care! Just say something so that I know you're reading and that I'm not slaying over the computer screen for hours at a time for no reason!
I know it's a needy, selfish request. Please don't hate me for saying it here. I know some people don't have the time, nor the energy to do anything. I have mutuals that are like that, busy people, parents even!
They can feel really stressed out and I always feel like I'm bothering them when I text them out of the blue after being silent for a few days. That's fine. I just hate the feeling of being ghosted. I'm not going to bite, I'm not some kind of god or celebrity that thinks they're above you.
I have trouble reaching out to a lot of you myself, to tell you I like your work because I don't want to come off as awkward. So believe me, I know how it feels! It doesn't even have to be a long conversation! You don't have to wait for a reply before you log off. That would be fine.
I've already had a major fight on this platform too. Well, not exactly major, nothing I would have to go to therapy over. It was upsetting, and I'm sure some of the followers I've had since the very beginning remember what I'm talking about. I bring this up because that had a negative affect too, as it was a simple misunderstanding that showed me just how cruel anons could be to people online.
I know this may hit kind of heavy coming from a small time tumblr user that not everyone is the biggest fan of, but I... I don't know. I guess I just feel a little better after writing this out? I know this platform is exactly the best for letting out all of this negative steam. I don't want to come off as needy or obsessive or self-centered. This is just how I feel.
