"It’s always been like this, like a plate spinning, and it begins to wobble - violently - between emotions, exuberance spins into happiness, sometimes, but more often than not its sorrow and sadness spinning into anger and violent urge, wildly oscillating between sobbing sorrow and seething anger, like she doesn't even have time to figure out why. It’s haunted and hunted her through her whole life, this emotional monster that she is, it’s just before all of this she’d managed to keep it chained and muzzled and caged so she was the only one who ever had to see it."
—She wonders, if only for an instant, why she always feels so embarrassed being seen at work by new friends. Despite the clown shoe yellow and purple AlleyCatz uniform shirt she wears, she feels strangely naked in being perceived this close to her biggest dead end. Like everyone will know what a useless washout she is. It makes her insides curl.
Instead, she becomes fixated by a scene playing out - Over by the leaguers, some all Mom’s team that does local tourney play, there’s a kid overly interested in the ball return, blatantly ignoring the warnings plastered all over the side of the thing. The mom is, of course, oblivious. Autumn, in fact seems to be the only person who notices, and her brain kicks it into her that she should bark out a warning, or go stop the kid from mulching her hand, and, for an instant, she decides that no, nature should take its course.
She sees her hand work its way into the dark recess, lured in by curiosity and every second its there she knows she should stop this. But there’s a part of her that just wants to see what happens. The kid’s being an idiot. She’s got it coming, just as much as the mother’s got it coming for not paying attention.
Her brain pulls out of the spiral at the last moment, though, and she’s about to speak up when the mother notices and snatches her child’s hand to safety, scolding her daughter and ushering her over to the rest of the bowling team, looking around to make sure nobody else was privy to the moment of negligence.Autumn is. She doesn’t know how to feel about how disappointed she feels.
—She doesn't really stop to breath. It's HER fault. It's HERS. She trusted her and got her wrapped up in all of this and now THIS is going to be her life. Naked and crazy with a bellyful of blood and human flesh. She could have just been normal lonely and now she knows what it feels like, being betrayed, and it's like she can't lie to herself anymore about how angry that makes her, how small and unheard and unimportant. "You fucking liar, you fucking lied to me and Morgan and everyone. You fucking ruined my fucking life. You should have just fucking killed me outside of the bookstore or fucking LEFT ME ALONE."
—How fucked up is it then, that she kind of doesn’t hate that either? Maybe she is a mutt, a filthy little mix up of two things that don’t match. She wonders if that means Olivia is born this way, like the other judgemental pieces of shit who kept calling her lesser. That almost makes her feel proud. Or maybe it’s just a good reason to hate this person who didn’t know any better.
borderlines; reblog this with your most ass backwards maladaptive daydreaming scenarios.
my most common ones are; past friends/fps show up at my door after being mugged/thrown out and i graciously forgive them and react like a caring neurotypical and tend to their injuries/let them cry on me.
