WOOT! All right, gang! We got another submission fic and it is perfect. I laughed way too hard almost all the way through. And the names were hysterical. Not going to give the point away but its a lot of fun to read. Make sure you shower hearts on this one so we’ll encourage more from our anon writer teammate. Just put down your drinks first. I almost choked on mine. And here - we - go
((I honestly just wanted an excuse to have Shiro be a smartass about Ryou’s dating experience. Enjoy!))
“Hello and welcome back to Earth Dorks in Space.” The Blue Paladin whispered, a false accent on his lips as the Yellow and Green Paladins stifled their laughter. “This episode, we will be observing the Mehanicus Shiroganicus, in his new habitat.”
The three peeked around the corner, Ryou, deep in thought on work related matters, in sight..
“As you can see, the Mechanicus Shiroganicus is a tinkerer by nature, always nipping and pawing at metal and electronics.” Lance continued his commentary. “What’s this? It seems Mechanicus has found an interesting piece of metalwork. The glee on his face is unmistakable, he’s going to be taking this gadget apart all day.”
“This is hilarious.” Hunk giggled out.
“Dude, shh!” Lance broke character to warn his companion, glancing back at Ryou to make sure he hadn’t heard them. Lace’s eyes brightened when he saw someone else with Ryou. “Crikey! We’re in for a real treat today folks! It seems Goldicus Shiroganicus, a close relative of Mechanicus, has strolled into Mechanicus’ territory! Under normal curcumstances, Mechanicus is quite territorial, throwing the nearest object straight to the unlucky intruder’s head. Truly, birds of a feather, or in this case, dogs of a hair, stick together.”
Lance looked to Shiro and Ryou again, their heads close together as they shared hushed whispers that turned to lively shouts, mostly on Ryou’s end.
“Ooh! Ooh! Let me try!” Hunk cheerfully whispered.
“Me next!” Pidge chimed in.
“Okay okay! Keep it down!” Lance hissed.
“Ahem-hem-hem,” Hunk cleared his throat as quietly as possible. “Watch as Mechanicus yips and barks excitedly as he shows off his incredible discovery. Goldicus, who has shared territories with Mechanicus before, returns the interest in graceful stride, gently prodding the metalwork without disturbing Mechanicus’ work.”
“Uh oh gang!” Pidge added. “Mechanicus has brought in an enemy of Goldicus, the eccentric Teslacus Ferreticus. A chatty species, Goldicus can’t stand its presence for more than one second without twitching and quietly growling in frustration.”
True, Shiro could barely stand Slav’s presence, but tolerated his ability. What made the situation more frustraing for the poor older twin was the fact Ryou seemed to get along with Slav better than he did with people in general. Considering that Ryou was equal parts gossip, social butterfly, and workaholic hermit, it was not too surprising.
“Pidgey’s right dear viewers. Prolonged exposure to Teslacus can cause the usually calm and docile Goldicus to erupt in fury.” Lance continued, a shiver going down his spine when he remembered Shiro yelling. “Truly, a sight much scarier than a wild and bloodthirsty Tyranicus Caticus.”
“What are you guys doing?” Keith made the trio of fellow Paladins jump and shriek in surprise.
“Keith don’t scare us like that, geez!” Lance snapped tgrough his teeth.
“We’re bored and need entertainment.” Hunk blankly answered.
“Hunk!” Pidge exclaimed offendedly.
“What? It’s true.” Hunk held his hands close to him.
Lance looked back to Shiro, Ryou, and Slav. Thankully, they were too interested in whatever they were working on. “It appears Mechanicus and Teslacus have joined forces and Goldicus is not too happy.”
“I’m telling Shiro.” Keith sighed as he walked closer to the other trio nearby.
“Run!” Lance practically ordered, scurrying off with Hunk and Pidge close behind. “Goldicus is lenient with nuisances in his territory, but Mechanicus’ aggressive behavior is cause for safety concern!” Lance continued providing commentary as they ran to the common room, the extra effort draining more energy from him.
Keith did in fact tell Shiro about the trio’s little boredum buster activity, and the three received a lecture about better ways to spend their time. He wasn’t sure about Ryou’s reaction, or lack thereof. Ryou continued working as if nothing happened, which was honestly a little more frightening than a lecture.
The incident had all but slipped Lance’s mind until one day, about one slightly uneventful week save for a supply run and hit-and-running a Galra warship later, Lance heard hushed whispers from the opposite end of the dining room.
“We have ourselves a beautiful specimen here, don’t we Ryou?”
“We sure do Taka. One Oceanicus Snipericus, the sharpest set of eyes in the universe, and a gorgeous pair if I do say so myself.”
Lance couldn’t help but blush and pretend he didn’t hear them.
“Say Taka, has Snipericus here had a successful courting season?”
“Not that I know of. One potential partner tied him to a tree and stole his most prized treasure, while others are either not very interested or oblivious to his courtship attempts. Nevertheless, he’s determined to succeed, and that’s what I admire about little Snipericus here.”
“Kinda reminds me of Mechnicaus’ courtship attempt with Onelineus Datela.”
“Ah yes, when Onlineus almost set Mechanicus on fire after destroying his hoverbike and giving his packmates food poisoning.”
“Goldicus was not too happy about that.”
“Not at all. And I think Goldicus had given Mechanicus a warning about the dangers of dealing the dangerous species of Onlin-”
“Oh look! Snipericus’ companions Sunshinican Hunkules and Slytherinicus Gremlinicus are joining him in leisurely bonding time! Quite the close bunch they are, don’t you think?”
“Do you think we should tell them?” Hunk inquired as he handed Lance a box of crackers.
“Let them. I think we deserve this.” Every fiber in Lance’s body tried to resist looking to the twins. He really couldn’t find any words to counter their commentary with anyways. Shiro was his idol, and Ryou was honestly too crafty of a man to even consider trying to take revenge on. Once again, a shiver went down Lance’s back he recalled each and evey word of how Ryou stripped down someone’s Garrison issued vehicle down to each wire, explained himself with a smile on his face, and avoided any punishment by peppering his explanation with valid loophopes and technicalities.
That person’s sin was calling Shiro an overrated hotshot.
“They do know we can hear them right?” Pidge ate her own box of crackers, side-eyeing the twins as they continued their commentary.
“Just let them have their fun.”
Some time later, Keith was in the training room, as was his routine. He couldn’t shake off the feeling that someone was watching him.
“Oh little Volcanicus Mulletus, how adorable your efforts are to try and match the strength of your pack.” Ryou threw a grape into the air, expertly catching it in his mouth.
“Don’t get too cocky Ryou. Word from our fellow hosts say that Volcanicus once punched Mechanicus in the gut, resulting in a full two minutes of dry heaving and whining.” Taka took a sip of his drink, a smirk on his face.
“I did nothing to provoke him I swear.” Ryou threw another grape into the air, flinching as it bounced off just above his eye.
“Sure Ryou.” Taka was able to catch the grape before it fell to the floor, popping it into his mouth just as quick.
“So about that courting attempt with Onlineus,” Lance swiped a grape from Ryou’s bowl.
“Long story short, Mechanicus had to pay tribute to Goldicus in the form of an extravagant display of submission and three special hunting trips for food.” Shiro’s hand was hovering over the manual difficulty settings for the training bot. Luckily, Pidge was there to slap his hand away should he be too tempted.
“What.” Lance nearly choked.
“I had to dance for his amusement and pay for the next three dinners we went out for.” Ryou explained, tossing and catching another grape.
“Is that why you had a set of heels in your-” Hunk began to ask.
“Oh look Volcanicus is getting his ass kicked!” Ryou too almost choked on the grapes, almost falling out of his chair.
Earth Dorks in Space was a huge hit among the Paladins. Surprisingly, the Alteans caught on and joined in on the commentary and front row view of the wildlife. This did not, however, save them from being the subject of the various hosts’ observations and quick witted remarks. Neither did the strength in numbers rule save the Paladins from the Alteans’ own research of the humans.
Thus, Earth Dorks in Space became Space Dorks, a riveting live documentary of various specimens and their habits.
And no, the Blades of Marmora were not safe either. That one took quite a bit of explaining, but the look on Kolivan’s face was priceless.