The Shape of This Loss
After Losing My Twin
It’s been three years since I lost my twin, and I still find some parts of the experience difficult to explain.
Grief does not unfold in the same way for everyone. Within families, members often cope differently after a loss. Some create distance from what happened, avoiding painful reminders or difficult emotions. Others remain close to the experience, trying to come to terms with and understand their loss.
My experience feels different.
Part of that is because a twin relationship begins at conception and continuously exists that it becomes deeply woven into a person’s sense of self. Because of that, the loss can feel less like losing someone outside yourself – and more like living with the absence of someone who had always been part of your internal world.
While others may naturally experience more distance over time, I still experience a strong sense of closeness emotionally and psychologically to my twin. That doesn't mean I'm unable to move forward, nor does it diminish anyone else’s grief or love. It's simply part of how I continue to live with the loss.
At the same time, my life continues. I can function while still carrying that ongoing connection internally. These realities are not contradictory.
For me, the connection to my twin didn't disappear with her passing. It changed, but it remains part of how I experience myself and my life on my own.
We were brought up as “twins,” not “sisters” – and that's the difference. We moved through life simultaneously; where my twin went, I went. We lived duplicate lives: wearing the same clothes, going to the same school, same classes, sharing the same friends.
Part of the difficulty in explaining twin loss is that the bond was never experienced as entirely separate from my own sense of self in the first place.
That is not a refusal to move forward. It's simply the form this loss takes with me.
About the Author
Ilana Estelle is an author and writer, and the founder of The CP Diary. Born with something she didn’t know she had, later learning it was cerebral palsy, and then ten years after – also being diagnosed with autism, she has turned personal adversity into a powerful platform for awareness, reflection, and change. Through her writing, Ilana inspires readers to explore resilience, mindfulness, and what it means to live authentically, no matter the challenges.
Looking for inspiration and honest reflection? Visit The CP Diary for daily insights. To explore Ilana’s books and resources, head to her author page and discover how her journey can support your own.
To check out her site please follow the link: https://www.thecpdiary.com