#txf cases solved

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E10: Red Museum

Case: Bro, don't make me try to summarize "Red Museum," so many things happen and every single one of them is baffling.

You know what? This entire episode feels like an SNL Stefon sketch, so I'm going to write it as one.

If you're looking for a monster-of-the-week X-Files tale centering around obscure religions, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode is "Red Museum." This episode has everything. A cult of creepy vegetarians who all wear red turbans and whose sermons are all written on the fly by a dude who has a really impressive WPM. Children wandering around the woods in their underwear with "HE/SHE IS ONE" written on their backs with black Sharpie. Walk-ins.

Oh, what's a walk-in? It's that thing where a body's original soul is replaced by a new, different soul for some reason.

But that's okay if that's not for you. If what you're looking for is a story about a deep-seated conspiracy of unethical medical experiments, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode is still "Red Museum." This episode has everything. An awkward road trip with an old man out into the countryside where he tells you his life story, unprompted. A random plane crash implicating the local doctor. Bovine somatotropin.

Oh, what's bovine somatotropin? It's that thing where you genetically engineer a growth hormone and give it to cows to make them produce more milk.

Still not what you're looking for? That's no problem. For those of you itching for some more myth arc plot, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode continues to be fucking "Red Museum." This episode has everything. A middle-aged white man you're somehow supposed to distinguish from the millions of other middle-aged white men and remember that he's the guy that killed Deep Throat. A complete lack of usable evidence. Purity Control derivatives.

Oh, what's Purity Control? It's that thing from "The Erlenmeyer Flask" where you mix human DNA with alien DNA to conduct a series of experiments on the unsuspecting human population. 

Also, there's a perv creeping on kids through peepholes.

Anyway. This episode... goes some places. 

Moving on.

Does someone die in the cold open: My notes say, "no death in CO, but that kid is fucked up," which I feel is a good summary.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: YES!! Our boy and his projector have finally been reunited at last! He hasn't done a slideshow since "Tooms," which actually makes it all make sense now, bc that was the one he did in court that made me (and Scully) want to die from secondhand embarrassment. Maybe Scully had been keeping the projector locked away until he proved he could be trusted with it. She had the key to the storage closet in her pocket when she was abducted.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Yeah, nah.

Whodunit: Bro, I don't fucking know. All of them. They all did it. Every single person is complicit. You're complicit. I'm complicit. Just blow the planet up and start over.

Convictions: 🙄😒

Did they solve it: Last line of the episode is "this case remains open and unsolved," soooooo. I'm not even giving them a "no, but" bc they didn't even manage to keep Deep Throat's killer alive long enough to get any useful information out of him. Maybe they shouldn't have given you guys the X-Files back, actually...

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

This episode is sponsored by: Part one of this five part SNL Stefon YouTube compilation for those of you who had no idea wtf I was referencing up there

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (they haven't solved anything since fucking "blood," and technically they weren't even on the x-files then. they haven't solved a genuine x-file since "roland," and i only gave them that one out of pity. time to just keep the x-files closed and assign them to the department that tracks down people who pirate movies. mulder & scully and the search for the Truth 20-something college kid making copies of jurassic park to give to his cousin in exchange for weed)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 14 (i think they technically both could have gotten blown up, right?) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 14 (i expected these two stats specifically to be more disproportionate, but so far they're pretty even huh)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 19 (bbq napkin scene. she wants to devour those ribs and then devour him)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2 

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 21

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 4 (it was just gas, but it was on the floor of a slaughterhouse, directly underneath a hanging hunk of beef, and there was a very obvious red can labeled "gasoline" sitting three feet away on the floor, so i feel like he could have made that inference without sticking his hand in it)

Total Number of Times People Fight in a Parking Garage: 1 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 16 

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 3

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 3

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 3 (no more krycek for right now 😔. mulder's projector has returned, but still we lie in wait for rat boy's resurgence)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 13½ (not only did i not know, but i wrote this up over the course of two days, and had already forgotten by the time i got to this stat even tho i looked it up yesterday)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 7 (i am still not convinced i followed the whole thing. i don't think it's possible)

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E6: Ascension

Case: Part two of our three part (+ one fever dream) arc begins with a very Will Graham-esque "this is my design" bit with Mulder visiting Scully's apartment, which has now become a crime scene. (Ik X-Files predates Hannibal, it's just what it reminded me of, leave me alone. Plus, Red Dragon predates X-Files by over a decade, soooo) 

Anyway, Scully has been kidnapped by Duane Barry, oopsie daisy! He needs someone to take his place for the next abduction, and he has selected Scully for the job. Good thing Mulder and Krycek are on the case and manage to get her home safe and sound before the end credits roll!

Or... maybe actually they do the opposite of that.

Mulder gets progressively scruffier throughout the episode and nearly kills himself and Krycek on the road bc he hasn't been sleeping since Scully got kidnapped; Scully loses her necklace for the first, but CERTAINLY not last time; Mulder and Krycek take a couple's vacation to a ski resort and Mulder holds a tram operator at gunpoint for suggesting that the tram is "not safe"; Krycek messes up his carefully slicked back hair while pistol whipping the tram operator and then fails to murder Mulder in what may or may not end up being just one of many assassination failures in his pathetic assassin career; Scully is taken by "THEM!" (whoever they are); Duane Barry is dead and the military performs the autopsy bc "there wasn't an FBI pathologist available this morning" (☹️); and Assistant Director Skinner apparently has had the power to reopen the X-Files this whole time??

Does someone die in the cold open: No, but Mulder does do the worst consoling job ever by approaching Scully's mom with Scully's blood on his outstretched hand and then staring blankly at her when she asks where her daughter is.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: This man should not be operating any sort of heavy machinery be it a car, a tram, or an early 1990s projector. (Of the three, though, the only one he doesn't operate during this episode is the projector.)

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Loooool. Nah. Scully's gone, Duane Barry is dead, Krycek has disappeared, and Mulder is left with nothing but some overgrown stubble, scruffy hair, and a worsening of his already substantial insomnia problem.

Whodunit: THEM!!! (Aliens? The shadow government? Both? Neither? Who's to say?)

Convictions: Oh hon. You had to have known Duane Barry was never getting out of this alive, right?

Did they solve it: I am going to go with "no, but." No, but Mulder (and Skinner) are at least aware that they have been massively screwed over, and so Skinner reopens the X-Files in retaliation, and I'll consider that a leveling up. You may have lost all your evidence, almost got framed for murder (tho tbf you did strangle the shit out of him), and got your only real friend in the world abducted by aliens/the shadow government/THEM, but at least you got your special files back, Mulder! I'm sure the first X-Files case you take on after their reopening will be very important, and not one that is just a fourteen year old emo kid's wet/fever dream fantasy...

But, ah, you know what? I'm getting ahead of myself. Ad break! 

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Quitting your job and disconnecting your home phone number. Are you currently leading a double life, pretending to be someone you're not in order to gain the trust of someone you intend to royally fuck over for your bosses in the shadow government? Have you completed your mission and are ready to move onto bigger and better* things? Well, then that means it's time for you to try quitting your job and disconnecting your home phone number! Don't worry, it's the 90s, you don't have a cell phone with a tracker on it, nobody will be able to find you. Go live your life, free as a bird. I mean, at least for now... *We do not guarantee that the things you move onto will be bigger, and we CERTAINLY don't guarantee that the things you move onto will be better. In fact, they might be worse. There's actually a high likelihood that they will indeed be worse. But don't worry about that right now. Everything is going to be probably possibly maybe just fine.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (streak not broken bc i didn't bother to restart it in the first place 👉🏽😎👉🏽)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9 (teeeechnically she does say "mulder, it's me" in this episode, but it's the same one from the end of the previous episode, so counting it felt like cheating)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 10 ½ (if only krycek were competent 😔) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 10 (i think as long as we don't know her whereabouts it's valid to consider her as being in mortal danger)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 15 (mulder climbing a hill and staring longingly at the sky is so insanely melodramatic that i'm counting it)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5 (ngl the line "there wasn't an fbi pathologist available this morning" hits the feels a bit)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 19!! (and he was extremely unhelpful 😃)

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 3 (no, but he did completely ignore all warnings in regards to using the unstable tram thing, which is similar in spirit, if not in practice)

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 13 (but he NEVER. FUCKING. FINISHES THEM. look at that fucking ashtray at the end of the episode. he takes like one drag and then puts them out. why? why not smoke the whole thing?? drives me insane)

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 2! (she's not having a good time!)

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 3!!!!!! (get outta town, rat boy! no, seriously, get outta town. we'll call you when we need you to fuck something up later)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 11½ (ascend to the stars, mother fucker)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E2: The Host 😔

Case: In what is an episode I have purposefully avoided rewatching for at least a decade—because it is DISGUSTING—we find ourselves off the coast of New Jersey, bc of course this hellscape of an episode takes place in fucking New Jersey. A Russian kid on a ship gets pulled into a septic tank (ew) by A Creature, and his body is discovered in a sewer (ew) a few days later. Skinner gives this case to Mulder, and Mulder is pissed about it, for which I don't blame him for a second bc it is, quite literally, shit work. (This does, however, lead to a very funny confrontation where Mulder throws a tantrum at Skinner, only to then discover he's currently in a meeting. I did lol at that, I'll admit.) 

Anyway, Mulder reluctantly continues with the case, secretly recruiting Scully on the side to do some autopsy(!!) work and to pick her brain for science, even though the bosses said they aren't allowed to sit next to each other in class anymore. The episode just gets worse and worse and fucking worse from there, when Scully discovers a flukeworm (ew) in the dead kid's body. More evidence continues to compile, soon making it clear that what they're dealing with is something much larger and much grosser than they could have ever anticipated. 

People keep walking around and getting covered in sewer water, making me want to scrub myself so clean all the skin comes off my body; a man coughs up a worm and it is Horrible; Deep Throat is gone, but it looks like he might have a successor (!!!); Mulder and Scully have a friend in the FBI, I wonder who it could be 🤔 (hint: he's bald); and Mulder briefly considers quitting, but somehow THIS fucking episode is the one that convinces him to stay. (Like, I get it, learning he has an ally in Skinner is all well and good or whatever, I GET IT, okay? But look. If my boss was claiming to be my ally and then forced me to chase after a giant man-eating sewer worm—requiring me to BE in the literal sewer in the process btw—I would quietly set my badge and gun down on my boss's desk, walk out the building, and get on the next flight to New Zealand. Fuuuuuuck that, and fuuuuuuck this episode.)

Does someone die in the cold open: Yes, and it is the worst way any person could possibly die.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: He no longer has anyone to present slideshows to. 😔

Does the evidence survive the investigation: If it did, they should fucking burn it.

Whodunit: ☹️ worm man ☹️

Convictions: Chris Carter, for the crime of writing this and then making it exist in the world where I had to watch it with my eyeballs and process its contents with my brain.

Did they solve it: Yes, I suppose they did, in the sense that they figured out what killed that guy, and had a semi-reasonable explanation for how the horrible monster worm was able to come to be. Whether or not the horrible monster worm is still out there being horrid and monstrous? Well, that part remains an X-File.

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Bleach. Pour it in your eyes and also over your whole entire body and forget any of this ever happened.

Oh, and also sponsored by this funny text I accidentally sent my sister:

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 13 (first solve of the season. unfortunate that it had to be this)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 6 (told you it starts to go up rly fast)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 8 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 8

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 13 (nothing overt, but they did have a nice conversation together, and mulder said something to the effect of being able to work with scully was the only reason he could think to stay at the fbi at this point)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 4 (and there was a worm in the body ☹️)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 16 (i was too grossed out watching this to properly appreciate it, but X has entered the chat!!!!! my favorite informant!!! i will get into more detail as to why as we make our way through the season, but eep!) 

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 3 (you know what? i'm upping this stat. why did he go to the sewer in a suit???)

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 3

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 8

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 1

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 (but i can hear his slow approach...)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 9½ (of COURSE it's new jersey) 

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5 (unfortunately i paid attention to the whole thing ☹️)

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E14: Gender Bender

Case: In what is arguably one of the most "why did you write this??" plots so far, our dynamic duo (per Mulder's request, I might add) investigate the deaths of five victims who appear to have, like... been fucked to death? Or something?

Actually I have to interrupt my own summary here, bc I just looked up the Wikipedia page (yes, bc I was trying to remember the state, shut up), and Glen Morgan is apparently quoted as saying he wanted "an episode with more of a sexy edge." How that ended up being this particular episode, I cannot say. That is an X-File in and of itself.

But I digress. People are dying of mb really high levels of pheromones caused by super mind-blowing sex. Sure. Also no one is sure if this killer is male or female. (They somehow manage to not even entertain the idea that any of the victims might have been gay, which I thought was an impressive feat of elephant avoidance.)

ANYWAY. Their investigation leads them to Massachusetts, where a bunch of sci-fi not-Amish people are chilling out doing not-Amish people things. Stuff kind of just snowballs from there. Mulder jumps down into the not-Amish people's ritual cellar with no backup and then proceeds to reprimand Scully for being reckless; Scully (for the first, but unfortunately not last time) almost bangs someone bc she is being manipulated due to some supernatural phenomenon; I laugh A LOT alone in my work office bc I had forgotten the stupid twist ending; and Nicholas Lea is a starving artist who has to take the roles he's offered if he ever wants to be bumped up to recurring character status. Sigh. Hustling the club scene used to be so simple...

Does someone die in the cold open: Yes. He is fucked to death. Or something.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: Yes! Of dead people! Who were fucked to death! Or something!

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The evidence doesn't even stay on this planet.

Whodunit: A horny alien cosplaying as a gender fluid Amish person. No, seriously.

Convictions: Zip.

Did they solve it: No. This is my very first explicit no with no qualifiers. They 1. did not figure out the cause of death definitively, 2. did not apprehend the suspect, 3. lost literally all of their evidence, and 4. the government wasn't even hiding anything this time, they just got outsmarted by some horny aliens and were left with nothing. In fact, I bet they actually know less now than when they started. Failure from top to bottom, guys, good work.

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Anxiously clenching your butthole while crossing your fingers and praying that your faves don't say anything TOO problematic. Are you educated in the systematic inequalities facing minorities in the world? Are you aware of how socially accepted language and behaviors have evolved over time to become more inclusive and less prejudiced? Do you also happen to be watching a show that was made pre-21st century, and "oh god, are they doing an episode that revolves around *gender*? Oh Christ. Oh no. Oh God"? Never fear! Anxiously clenching your butthole while crossing your fingers and praying that your faves don't say anything TOO problematic is here!

*This product is versatile, and can also be used in a variety of situations, including, but not limited to: Seeing your favorite celebrity's name trending online and not being sure why; introducing your trans friend to your socially conservative grandma; or being forced to listen to your boss's opinions on "woke culture" after your coworker casually mentioned seeing a black person in a new TV show.

Get clenchin'!

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 6 (streak ended. brutally)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 4 (upped it another half point, bc i don't thiiiink the guy coercing her intended to put her life in danger. he just ("just") wanted to sexually assault her, but also apparently fucking those guys kills you, so. another toss up)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 8 (for an episode that was meant to have a "sexy edge," it was deeply unhorny all around, even between our good good coworkers. they should have brought back that horny fire expert from episode 12 to bring up the heat, pun not intended)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 5

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2 (when i made that stat, part of me was like "mb i am misremembering how often that happens, and it won't even come up that much," and then it happened in the very next episode)

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 2 (don't touch and sniff the weird alien goo wall??? i know for a FACT you keep rubber gloves in your pocket)

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 2

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: still 0, but like, uh... definitely the closest we've come so far

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 4 ½ (yeah i couldn't even pretend that i paid attention)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (i didn't need to, but i did read the wikipedia page anyway just out of pure curiosity, bc why did they write that episode? i mean like, i was entertained, which ig makes it a win, but also just... why?)

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E12: Fire

Case: An incel played by Mark Sheppard is lighting people (and things, but we're more concerned about the people) on fire, and they can't figure out how he's doing it. This case is brought to Mulder's attention by his toxic British ex, Phoebe (who, as far as Mulder's exes go, is way more charismatic than Fowley so -shrug emoji-), and the two of them go off to Massachusetts to stop some rich British people from being barbecued. Half the people in this episode are weirdly horny, especially the fire expert guy at the Bureau who sounds like he's in the process of getting off when he describes pictures of fire. Mark Sheppard kicks a dog. Mulder literally says the words, "That's one of the luxuries to hunting down aliens and genetic mutants—you rarely get to press charges," so at least they're self-aware. Also, he's terrified of fire and apparently "cursed" with a photographic memory—I'm pretty sure neither of these things ever come up again. Meanwhile, the only person doing any actual FBI work is Scully. Thank god for her.

Does someone die in the cold open: Ah, yeah. Death by psychic immolation. Not the nicest way to go.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but he does get practical joked into thinking he's about to die in a car bombing. Take note, Youtube pranksters.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The most damning evidence is Incel Mark Sheppard himself, and while he's definitely a little crispy, he makes it to the end.

Whodunit: Incel Mark Sheppard

Convictions: Incel Mark Sheppard will face prosecution once he's done applying aloe to his burns. They are kind of not sure how to do that given that he can light literally anything flammable on fire with his mind. If it was 2024 they'd just do a Zoom call, but alas.

Did they solve it: Yes!

[how do i determine if an episode is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Forced exposure therapy.

Do you need to suffer from a convenient phobia that is relevant to your current situation in order to provide suspense to your plotline, but you also don't want to have to ever bring it up again in your general narrative arc as a whole? Get rid of it quick with forced exposure therapy!

Forced exposure therapy works by having you speedrun the entire therapy process by putting you in a life or death scenario where you have no choice but to face your fears. Tired of being afraid? Well throw yourself into that burning building and learn to become brave, once and for all!*

*Forced exposure therapy may worsen phobias in some individuals, potentially resulting in the development of moderate to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not put yourself into life or death scenarios without first speaking to your doctor to see if forced exposure therapy is right for you.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 5 (that's two in a row! new best streak!!)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1 (oh man, we were so close two different times. first one Scully goes, "Mulder, it's Scully," and i was like, "damn," and then later she started calling him on her gigantic black box cell phone, and i was like, "ooh, here we go!" but then the call didn't go through :( )

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4 (she was kind of the only person paying actual attention to anything this episode)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5 (the amount of smoke inhalation he got both times he was in the fire probably should have killed him, tbh)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 3

Total Number of Sexually Charged and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 6 (there's so much weird tension in this episode that i can't even count it all individually)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 6

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 3 ½ (giving myself half-credit bc I knew it happened in Cape Cod, but I didn't know where Cape Cod was lol)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (not this episode, and i can also say with authority that this stat won't go up next episode either, bc next episode is mfing "Beyond the Sea" which is the topest of tiers of first season episodes. get hype!!!)

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E21: Tooms

Case: Guess who's back, back, back! Back again, again, again! Eugene Victor Tooms is back, back, back! Tell a friend! 

Anyway, Tooms is back.

After being rehabilitated and made totally normal and non-cannibalistic by his psychiatrist, the Baltimore court decides that Eugene Victor Tooms is ready to leave the crazy house—where he was serving time for assaulting Scully (he was never charged with eating livers)—and is now free to rejoin society, despite Mulder's attempts to sway the court otherwise, by using his skills as an expert PowerPoint presentation maker. Tooms, of course, has every intention of finishing what he started before being apprehended, so that he can take a nice long hibernation in his bile cocoon, and Mulder has every intention of stopping him before he does. Mulder engages in some mild-to-moderate stalking behaviors; Scully tries not to kill Mulder and then herself out of pure mortification during the world's most uncomfortable slideshow presentation; a retired old cop in a wheelchair returns and makes fewer references to the Holocaust, and is slightly clairvoyant; I have a moment during the episode where I think, "Oh no, shit, wait, I think he does a gross thing here, is this where he—ah man, yep, it sure is," right as Tooms licks his fingers that are covered in roadkill juice; and, most importantly, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR WALTER SKINNER HAS ENTERED THE MFING CHAT!!!!

All rise for that big, bald, beautiful man!

Does someone die in the cold open: Ofc not, Tooms is a fully rehabilitated, mentally sound, non-homicidal freak of nature, who would never hurt a fly, because flies don't have livers. (It's entirely possible I just googled "do flies have livers"...)

Does Mulder present a slideshow: Unfortunately yeah, he does. Kinda wanted to die alongside Scully as he presented his PowerPoint presentation to the courtroom. I'm all for having the strengths of your convictions, babe, but c'mon, even you had to know that wasn't gonna work.

(^ me and scully suffering from immense secondhand embarrassment)

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Actually, yes, I believe it does. They have their findings, and the findings of the retired old cop in a wheelchair (who straight up just. had part of a victim's liver in his apartment? who let him have that?? mulder and scully are out here literally fighting for their lives just to hold onto one shred of evidence, and this hoe just takes biohazardous material with him after his retirement party and holds onto it as a keepsake of his biggest failure as a cop, smh)

Whodunit: Eugene Victor Tooms once again!

Convictions: Escalator did the justice system's work for them.

Did they solve it: I will say yes. The killings have stopped, the perpetrator is dead, they wrote a report with evidence to cite, and even though Skinner is skeptical, Smoking Man tells him he believes their take on things. It's more solved than most of their cases, anyway. WHICH REMINDS ME. There's a bit in the beginning where Scully tells Skinner that their solve rate is at 75%, which is ABOVE BUREAU STANDARDS, like????? Really FBI? The fucking *X-Files division* is doing better than the rest of your departments? And you wonder why people distrust law enforcement, jfc

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Escalators. Since 1892 [yes I looked it up], escalators have been a godsend for those of us who, for whatever reason, just don't feel like taking the gosh darn stairs. For well over one hundred years, escalators have been a convenient way for you to get around shopping malls, get to and from train platforms, crush your enemies to death with a conveyor belt, get through airports with ease, and so much more! So next time you need to get from one floor of a building or structure to another, or have someone you need to die quickly, consider using an escalator!

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 11 (first time they've solved two in a row for a while. must bc they're so high above bureau standards...)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me" Phone Calls: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 7 (i mean, tooms chased him through the escalator thingy with murderous intent, right?)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 8

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 11 ("mulder, i wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you" 🥺 actually that whole little exchange is cute af. mulder's like "don't get in trouble bc of me," and scully is like, "don't tell me what to do, bitch, i love you," and mulder's like, "i don't know how to handle genuine compliments, so i'll just say that if you have iced tea for me i will go down on you right now, no hesitation, forget the stakeout, sit on my face" but then she only has root beer 🙁 or at least that's what i remember happening, i might be paraphrasing)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 2

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 10 

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 2 (but tooms definitely did :( )

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 3

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 6 (lol that stat hasn't gone up since the pilot, and then he shows up in one episode and smokes four of 'em)

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 1

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 7½ (i remembered from squeeze, bc sometimes my memory works like how it's supposed to)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E9: Firewalker

Case: After eight long episodes, Mulder and Scully are finally back where they belong—together as partners on the X-Files. Safe in the knowledge that they definitely, for sure, will certainly never have to face losing the X-Files or each other ever again, the two of them take on their first new case. Dr. Pierce has arrived at our beloved basement office with an ominous home movie of his dead coworker and an unexplainable shadow moving inside a volcano, where a team of scientists are doing volcano experiments in what Wikipedia tells me is Oregon, or maybe Washington (unclear). Pierce explains that he used to do volcano experiments too, but he left after he got into it with his project partner/Mozart to his Salieri, Daniel Trepkos, who had been, evidently, "slipping into madness." 

Mulder—a man with a deep appreciation for visual aids—agrees to investigate the mysterious murder volcano. Despite Mulder's concern that she should maybe take more time to heal up after the whole "kidnapped from her home, shoved into the trunk of a car, abducted by ???, had ??? done to her body, and returned under mysterious circumstances on the brink of death and several months of her life missing" thing, Scully insists that she has lost enough time already, and is ready to get back to work, because the alternative would be processing her trauma, and that is just not something these characters know how to do.

So our heroes make their way to the research site, and when they suddenly don their Adventuring Gear™️, it soon becomes clear that we have been thrust inside a "we dug too deep and unleashed something deadly" episode, after we learn that the research team dug too deep and unleashed something deadly. While the episode itself is not as cool as "Ice" or "Darkness Falls," the "Alien"-esque way the overgrown spores burst out of peoples' throats is fairly delightful, and so although I often forget this episode even exists, it does get points for that. 

Trepkos has either made a terrifying discovery down in the volcano that is a threat to all humankind, or he hasn't taken his lithium—one of the two; The X-Files fulfills its duty as a science fiction show by discussing the possibility of a silicon-based lifeform (I'm partial to Star Trek TOS's "The Horta" myself); I am aware that it's bc everyone is full of evil spore parasites, but the vibes on the research base are Rancid, and I dislike every NPC we're introduced to, with the exception of maybe Dr. Pierce, but he and his beautiful mustache unfortunately get murdered, which, given the other deaths in this episode, is actually not the worst way to go; Scully, who has repressed all her emotions and is ready to take life by the horns now that she's not on her deathbed, is almost once again on her deathbed when one of the NPCs purposefully tries to infect her with the exploding neck spores, meanwhile Mulder is trying to get information from Trepkos, who looks like a hotdog you dropped into a firepit and won't stop talking like the know-it-all white boy in your philosophy 101 class; and Mr. and Mrs. Spooky take a his & hers quarantine for A MONTH, because time in this show makes less sense than the episodes themselves.

Does someone die in the cold open: I believe they are already dead.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but we still got visual aids.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Nope! Mulder says at the end that his report is the literal only record of what happened, lmfao.

Whodunit: Silicon fungus spores? I think?

Convictions: Trepkos should have been arrested for murder, but since everyone else already exploded, Mulder let him go tell lava rocks about the parable of the Blind Men and the Elephant or whatever until he beefs it. 

Did they solve it: I'm torn between "yes" and "yes, but." If I use "Ice" rules, like I did for "Darkness Falls," then technically I should give it to them, but also in those episodes there were other surviving witnesses, and in this one, Mulder did just sort of... let a known murderer go. Like, I get that Trepkos wasn't going to offer anything substantial, and also Trepkos was trying not to infect the entire human population, so I don't blame him necessarily, but from a legal point of view I think that's like, ill-advised... Yeah, man, as much as I want to give them a win on their first case back on the X-Files together, I think I'm gonna have to go with—yes, but they let a murderer loose and Mulder lied about it in his case report, and also there's no physical evidence and no other witnesses, so while they probably can close the case and be chill about it, going by my scale, they didn't pass the test this time around. 

(I legit am sitting here being like, "okay, but should I give this one to them??" but I think that if you have to lie on your official report about stuff, then you didn't solve the crime in a way the justice system would be down with. So. That's my ruling, and I'm sticking to it. It be like that sometimes. Or like, a lot of times, if you work for the X-Files division.)

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Time meaning nothing. Do you often find yourself watching, let's say, a popular 90s sci-fi television show, only to begin questioning how the timeline works out if you're using like, linear time as your metric? Well, this is a public service announcement to let you know that in all things, but ESPECIALLY in popular 90s sci-fi television shows (definitely not naming names), time means nothing. How long has it been since a particular event? Doesn't matter. What year is it? How could it still be that year? How have that many things happened in that short amount of time? Don't worry about it!  Remember — time means nothing, and also nothing matters at all!

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (I'M SORRY, BUT HE LET A MURDERER GO, OK??)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6 (no, but there was fun dramatic irony of us knowing she was stuck with an infected jesse while she didn't)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 13 (even if trepkos didn't hold him at gunpoint, being at risk of exposure to the spores is instant mortal danger imo) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 13 (i mean, yeah)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 18 (i actually wasn't going to up this stat, bc i didn't think anything mulder said was really over the line in terms of how you would speak to a coworker/good friend, but then i rewatched the scene where he tells scully he's counting on her to save their lives, and the intensity of his heart eyes was overpowering. between that and him gently cupping her chin at the end, i feel justified in upping the stat)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5 (wasn't on screen, unfortunately, but at least she's able to do autopsies again!)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2 (reminder that this stat is for when she gets pulled into a hospital to help or starts treating someone's wounds or something) 

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 21

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 3 

Total Number of Times People Fight in a Parking Garage: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 16 

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 3

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 3

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 3 (no more krycek for right now 😔. but like mulder's projector, i want to believe he will return)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 12½ (could not have even began to guess)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 6

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E5: Duane Barry

Case: Our episode finds us in Virginia. I know this because it is the literal first thing written down in my notes. I'm learning. (No I'm not.)

Anyway. This episode, which takes place in Virginia, is part one of a three part (+ one weird fever dream episode) plot arc that will be extremely relevant to the rest of the overall plot of the X-Files from here on out. Everybody thank Gillian Anderson's daughter Piper for existing, and also Gillian Anderson for putting up with extremely questionable treatment from the show runners while she was pregnant, instead of just rage quitting like I probably would have. (She went back to work 10 days after having a C-section and they LET her, that's fucking INSANE and makes me so mad on her behalf lol.) 

But I digress.

Duane Barry! He might not have had to go film a TV show ten days after major surgery and like, giving life to a human being, but he sure is going through it, huh? Poor dude can't stop getting abducted by aliens. Probably. That, or he is suffering from a violent and unpredictable psychosis. It's one or the other for sure. And that wouldn't really be anybody's problem, except Duane has decided that he's done with the tests and teeth drilling, tyvm, and would like someone else to have a turn, so he captures his psychiatrist and busts out of the mental institution, intending to offer the psych up as tribute to the aliens. Unfortunately for Duane, however, he doesn't actually remember where the aliens said they'd pick him up at, so he hits up a travel agency, which ultimately devolves into him holding three workers plus the psychiatrist hostage.

Enter Mulder and our favorite punkass bitch sidekick, Alex Krycek! 😃 

Mulder, being the alien abductee whisperer that he is, gains Duane's trust, and we are kept on our toes as the episode does a pretty solid job at drawing out the suspense as we (along with Mulder) are ping-ponged back and forth about whether or not Duane is who and what he says he is. By the end of the episode there is still a lingering doubt, BUT, a very unsettling voicemail on Mulder's answering machine tells us we're gonna have bigger things to worry about now.

An agent, who I just now realized I recognize because she played a doctor on ER, asks Mulder to help with a hostage negotiation because he knows things about alien abductions, and then is surprised and irate when he makes the conversation about alien abductions; that same agent makes Krycek get her a grande 2% cappuccino with vanilla, which earns her my eternal love; Scully buys an entire bag of groceries for $11.14, and also breaks the barcode scanner with an unidentified metal implant and then just sort of shrugs at the store clerk and leaves; and a "Mulder, it's me" phone call ends with the sound of screams for help and broken glass, whuh-oh!

Oh, and this is the episode with the red speedo.

Welcome, friends, to the Abduction Arc!

Does someone die in the cold open: No, but things aren't really going great either. Not that they ever tend to be going great in X-Files' cold opens.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No. No Mulder+Krycek slideshows 😡

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Ok, so the "case" this time was technically "do the hostage negotiation and get the hostages out alive," so evidence wasn't needed. Ig.

Whodunit: Duane Barry, our favorite kidnapper and alien abductee [citation needed]!

Convictions: Lol, I literally just blew out a sigh and said "ummm" out loud to myself alone in my office, that's embarrassing, but also... we'll come back to this question next episode. 

Did they solve it: Because Mulder did get the hostages out of the building safely, and because I know it's gonna be a minute before he or Scully have any real wins in their lives, I will give them this. 

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Bulgaria's maternity leave laws. 58 weeks at 90% pay the entire time. In the United States you are lucky if you get six weeks, and even luckier if it's paid. And sometimes your boss makes you film a TV show ten days after giving birth through a giant gaping wound in your abdomen. (I know they were technically filming in Canada at the time, but it's an American TV show, so I'm counting it as United States bullshit.) Anyway, we treat pregnant people terribly! But let's just. Not think about that. Abduction arc time!!

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (not even gonna bother restarting the streak tho. y'all just hang in there for a bit, i'm sure things will start looking up soon. ish. probably)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9 (three in total, and the last one ends poorly)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 9 ½ (could have easily been shot at any time) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 9 (went back and forth on this, bc i know how this whole arc ends, but i think that if we look at this episode alone, and don't skip ahead, being kidnapped by a mentally unstable person who is known to be violent definitely counts as being in mortal danger)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 14 (no, but dw, this stat is gonna get some mileage here soon)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5 (gdi. i had a funny one liner, but i know for a fact there is at least one person reading these in real time with their first watch-through, so i am trying very hard not to make jokes that are spoilery 🤐)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 18 (no X 😔)

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 3 (no, but he did repeatedly break hostage negotiation protocol, which is similar in spirit if not practice)

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 9

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 2!!!!!! (get that coffee, you loser)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 11½ (i wrote that shit down like a person without an attention deficit disorder, hell yeah 😎)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5