Oct 4, 2017
Everybody has somebody that is their go to person. Their #1.... whether it be a best friend, a significant other, a sibling, a relative... what about me? No one has me.
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Everybody has somebody that is their go to person. Their #1.... whether it be a best friend, a significant other, a sibling, a relative... what about me? No one has me.
I don’t want to change who I am, but I feel that it becoming my only option. As a sweet kind individual, people treat me like shit. And I am alone and empty. And in a constant cycle of hurt. Maybe if I become a selfish bitch, people will like me.
Suicide is selfish.
But so is letting someone you “care” about suffer everyday, expecting them to live through that suffering to please the ones around them.
I bet at my funeral, many people will say that they loved me and wished that they would’ve been there for me. But right now, before I am dead, no one will take that step to make sure I am okay. No one.
"Never forget. Their strength is why I am free."
Me
Losing My Way
Losing: to be deprived of or cease to have or retain
My: belonging to or associated with the speaker.
Way: a road, track, path, or street for traveling along.
I’m losing my way.
I’m losing my glimmer of light.
I am losing my life.
My fight.
Searching to fill the tiniest of voids
Unsatisfactions overtaking my memories.
Why?
Incompetence.
Nothing is ever enough.
Enough is always nothing.
Confusion.
Sadness.
Tears.
And more tears.
And more tears.
And more.
Until cuts.
And blood.
And more.
But nothing.
No feeling.
No burning.
No soul.
Just nothing.
WHY IS MY LIFE FILLED WITH NOTHING............
Why?
2/11
12: 12/27 Thoughts
My entire life, I have based my importance on whether or not I was liked or loved by others. The more others liked me, the more I felt like I was somewhat enough. I’d go all out for people who did not deserve shit from me and I’d always end up getting hurt. There are several people, who at one point in my life... I believed that I could not live without and now, none of them are even in my life anymore. I am slowly but surely learning to find myself and only myself as enough. I don’t chase people anymore, I don’t go all out for undeserving people or to get people to like me. I don’t have the time anymore. My goal in life is to be content within my soul and my body, fuck trying to appease and please other people... it’s always left me hurting and empty.
Epiphany....
I’ve realized that during my journey of life, I always tend to lose my friends…. Always. And I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I keep trying to find acceptance and love in those people instead of with God. And so in turn, God gets rid of those people in my life to try to get me closer to Him but I’m just dumb so I think He doesn’t love me and everyone leaves….. I think I’m going to try to do it the right way this time and not put anything or anyone before God and learn to truly trust that He will give me the desires of my heart as long as I trust and put Him first…. It’s worth a shot… I have nothing to lose. OFFICIALLY LIVING THE GODLIEST VERSION OF LIFE I POSSIBLY CAN… Starting now at 12:01am. 👍🏾