🖤 #Repost @yesimsarahjones #motivationmonday Hi! So I don’t really want to share this, which usually means it’s what I need to say most in case it can help someone else. I know ppl’s lives can look pretty sparkly on socials (including mine) but my internal experience can be a different story altogether, no matter how the externals appear. Right now I’m healing from some old patterns of #underbeing. It’s a word I had never heard before a few years ago. I’ve been taught it can mean many things, & anyone can have it, even if they’re accomplished & successful. It’s behaviors/ habits like harsh negative self-talk, deflecting compliments, generally not feeling deserving. It’s tolerating crumbs, whether in relationships or in work or even in how I treat myself. It’s hearing my inner voice say ‘I really need rest’, but overriding it because my (impossibly long) to-do list feels so urgent (see previous post on #IOUs, #illusionsofurgency). It’s exhausting myself to the point where, even if wonderful things are happening, I can’t enjoy them or be present bc I’m so tired. It’s using self-deprecating humor to the point where I’m hiding a much more serious fear of inadequacy, & always needing to overachieve to compensate for feeling less than. It’s holding myself (& others) to harsh standards instead of being gentle & encouraging (which actually gets better ‘results’ anyway.) It’s a gnawing feeling of ‘how dare I’ that can prevent me from sharing my work, tying me up in what I’ve heard called the 3Ps of perfectionism procrastination & paralysis. & the combo of all of this can contribute to #underearning—earning less than we deserve, giving away our work for free, struggling to know our worth & value both monetarily & energetically, & getting locked in a self-perpetuating (dis)comfort zone where not receiving becomes the norm. We may even tell ourselves it’s virtuous not to be ‘greedy’ or materialistic. But I’m learning the refusal to really receive what I’m worth at every level is the opposite of virtuous. It’s a twisted form of control—me telling the universe what I deserve, instead of letting it give me whatever abundance is meant for me. More soon. Meantime wishing. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtMaqZbF5L4/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=18gjghlpg9wni