lmao sometimes i just wish i could be one of those people that makes extremely elaborate essays about episodes, shows, characters, character growth, because I feel like i have so much to say and yell about this episode but i can't put anything into words???
All i know is that for some reason the hell scene from 3x06 and the beating up from 3x07, as well as their first kiss, just won't.get.out.of.my.head. they're all I can think about. The whole time while watching this episode all I could think about was 15 year old Ian, and again i don't know why that is. not sure if it has to do with cam's acting, or the storyline or anything i don't have a fucking clue but everything about this episode, fiona and jimmy, the feeling of family and unity, them being dead worried about ian as a fucking family again, fucking mickey milkovich, fucking ian gallagher.. everything about it is making me go back to s1-to-s3, thinking how much has changed yet nothing has. how every single feeling these characters convey and stand for is the absolute same. how however mickey milkovich blew my mind out of the fucking water tonight, i still think he's never been more himself, never been more the person he was in season 1, running after the guy who had supposedly mistreated his little sister. how ian gallagher has never been in any bigger pain, and i don't want to go too deep into ian because i know next to nothing about bipolar disorder, but seeing ian in this state of absolute numbness, pain so great it could just eat him alive, i have never felt more connected to him, never felt like i've understood him any better, never felt like i knew what he was thinking. man I've been falling for these characters for what seems like ages ago, and they go and disappoint me, make me doubt why was i even that crazy in love with them at some point, they mess up, they fuck up so many fucking times, they annoy me as hell sometimes, feel like i could stop watching this stupid show, but then the writers give an inch and these actors build a fucking 10 mile running track where they go to the deepest fucking places i could ever have hoped to see in a fictional character.
the acting in this show is something else COMPLETELY. it doesn't matter how crappy the writing gets. I have never felt this connected to ficitonal characters ever. I feel like they're real fucking people. feel like i could just go run to the gallagher's and hug fiona, hug mickey, tell him it's gonna be okay, text mandy, let her in on what's going on.. feel like i can feel the characters' pain. and i keep telling myself they're just fictional characters get ur head our of ur ass and go get a fucking life but what good does that do me when it's 3:30 am and I'm writing the essay I said i didn't have the ability to. and i probably still don't. this is all probably just SO messy and not making any proper sense. but i just feel like i had to blurt out some stupid things before i could go to sleep. needed to clear up my mind, tidy up the mess inside it.
I guess all i'm trying to say is that this fucking show, this fucking show that gets so damn shitty at times, have managed to build some of the most intricate, complex, realistic, human characters i have ever witnessed on a fictional world before. it's breath taking and it just makes the emotions so much more out of control and that's a lot due to this brilliant fucking amazing mind blowing cast but also because no matter how many twists and turns this show undergoes and how many ooc plots it throws in our faces, it always comes back to that one place of familiarity that's oh-so filled with excruciating pain but also this feeling of unity and family, like you could just conquer the world because you know these characters have gone through so much and are still standing up. just barely but they keep on moving, have no time to even think about stopping. they just go on. and if that doesn't make me forget about my stupid problems i don't know what will.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go over to twitter to write Noel Fisher and Cameron Monaghan a fucking shrine.
