#ushijima reader insert

[daebraeksan]

Ushijima comfort: Coming back from party and it went well

Overcoming social anxiety, Proud of yourself, but stressed about being proud of yourself

Genre: established relationship, comfort

Contents/topics mentioned: eating, anxiety (general), social anxiety, fear (general), fear of angry people, fear of abandonment, scarcity mindset, social isolation, 

Wc: 2249

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ 

You never want to leave when you’re having fun. What if it never happens again? What if it is the last time?

This will not be the last time you leave a social event after hanging out with Ushijima’s friends—you can reassure yourself that much. There will be a next time. 

You’re floaty and happy, tethered to the earth only by your hand in Ushijima’s as you head back to your residence. Bursting through social anxiety and coming out the other end with a good experience—it truly makes you feel on top of the world.  You always thought that you couldn't be the outgoing one. You always thought you would have to rely on someone else to be your liaison, show you the way, be the outgoing and brave and sociable and charismatic one to lead you in social interactions and help you get your social needs met. You thought you had to rely on others to give you access to resources to have your social needs met. 

And there’s ways for people who aren’t loud and overly charismatic to have their social needs met, too. Ushijima is not at all a standard talkative person at all, but he has helped you make lots of friends, on your journey to building confidence in yourself.

Not that Ushijima isn’t actually “outgoing.” It just looks a little different as compared to what people may think of first. He takes initiative a lot and tries to find the most direct path to get what he needs. His needs are also different than yours in different circumstances, so sometimes he might not be the first one to make conversation. He’s content to step back and listen. Yet, usually he’s always the center of attention anyway. He’ll always make sure you’re comfortable going to an event before RSVPing yes or no for both of you. He’s equally content staying at home as going out. 

You both arrive at your place, and you have some leftovers from the party, while he goes to shower. You text some of your friends that you made it back safely and you hope you can see them again soon. 

You don’t want to let go of this successful, happy feeling. You never want it to end.

You’ve never had much of a social life. You’re honestly shocked that you even met Ushijima. You somehow ended up with friends in school, but you don’t remember how you made them. And once you went out into the “real world” you had no idea how to approach making friends.

You think you’d have fun going out and having fun with a bunch of people—you’re honestly not sure. You’ve been held back by fear a lot. You’ve had situations in the past where you’ve been met with a whole friend group that seemed ripe for the taking—but you froze, didn’t speak at all. Too afraid of what kind of first impression you’d make to even make any impression at all. You couldn’t participate in impromptu dance parties because it felt like dance battles—and you didn’t want to lose or embarrass yourself. You didn't know how to add yourself in the conversation because you didn't know the right thing to say. You didn't want to invite yourself where you weren't wanted. You didn’t want to alienate yourself from a friend group served on a silver platter. But in trying so hard not to mess up your chance, you completely missed your chance. 

You’ve tried super hard to make friends but you felt like you always failed in one way or another. It would always end up with you being on the outskirts and excusing yourself and removing yourself from the friend group. You never fit in and it was hard to believe you weren't the problem. 

Ushijima was a kind of safety blanket you didn’t know was possible. Ushijima got you out of your shell in the way that he saw potential in you and it helped you see potential in you. You had no idea how, but he was enraptured by you and it was baffling. You were a little more confident to be yourself with Ushijima by your side. You knew that at least one person was going to love you no matter what stupid stuff you said. And it turned out that when you were free to be yourself, people didn’t hate it. Not everyone, at least. And you made some good friends who you are really grateful for. 

Ushijima returns from his shower and you go to take yours. You really don’t want to wash the day off of you—not when you had such a fun evening, at least. But also, even if you shower, you will still have the memories. You don’t want this good day to end, because tomorrow might be a bad day. 

You want to let go of old rules and old narratives about yourself that no longer serve you. For most of your life, social anxiety kept you safe. If you think twelve steps ahead, if you micromanage yourself, if you avoid situations, then you avoid people being mad at you. You avoid danger. 

It’s simple. It’s simple math.

You’re not wrong. As long as you’re keeping yourself safe, who can fault you for that? What could be more “right” than trying to keep yourself safe?

But isolation is painful. These rules that keep you safe are also hurting you. 

You want friends who love you, you want best friends who are always going to be there for you. You want to be surrounded by loved ones, you want to be supported by them, and to support them in return. You want to be part of a community. 

But finding a community is not that easy. Not in this hegemonically built society where it benefits a few people for everyone else to be disenfranchised, out of their power. 

It’s not your fault, necessarily. At least it’s not 100% your fault. 

But you feel responsible for holding yourself back. You blame yourself for not being able to change. It sucks to face internal barriers to socializing on top of the societal barriers. 

Life shouldn’t be so hard. 

You are unlucky often. You have had friends who you thought were right for you, and then weren’t in the end. You’ve had friend groups that weren’t right for you either, and no matter how many people were around you, they were never right for you, and eventually, you would always cycle back to being alone. 

The idea “you’ve been unlucky your whole life so you should get lucky soon” is a heaven’s reward fallacy. Good people don't always have good things happen to them and bad people don't always have bad things happen to them. (Maybe there is no such thing as a “good person” and a “bad person” anyway.) And “good people” cannot prevent bad things from happening to them by being a “good person.” 

Life doesn’t owe you anything. You don’t know what you think you’re waiting for. It’s not friends. That’s not going to magically happen. And you don’t really know how to make it happen yourself. 

Once you are done with your shower, you get into bed with Ushijima, who is reading a book with soothing music on in the background. He looks up from his book as you climb into bed. 

He pressed a gentle hand to your face and gingerly presses a kiss to your cheek. 

“Did you eat enough?” he asks.

You nod. “I’m full. Are you hungry?”

He shakes his head. 

“How’s your book?”

His book is open on his lap. He closes it, his finger inside to mark his page, and looks at the cover thoughtfully. 

“It’s okay,” he says. 

You wonder if he’s going to say more. 

He puts the book away, and turns towards you. “Did you have fun tonight?” he asks.

“Yes! I hope we can do that again soon.”

He smiles. “I’ll tell them you said that. Did you get their numbers?”

“Not everyone. But yes, please tell them.”

“I’ll ask them to tell us when they’re going to plan something again,” he says. 

You snuggled into the covers and look up at him expectantly. He lies down next to you, and you press your face into his chest. 

You feel the social anxiety creeping back slowly. Sometimes, it’s easier and safer to feel certain emotions with others. It’s easy to get swept away with a lot of people and feel happy and loved and accepted. On the other hand, it’s easier to second guess yourself when you’re at home alone. Though you’re not actually alone when Ushijima is home. But he was in the shower earlier and that’s more than enough time for your brain to go wild. Were you really accepted? Are you allowed to have a good time? No one can know you had a good time. You aren’t allowed. Right? You’ll get in trouble. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks. 

You sigh. You can’t shrug from this angle but you think he probably knows what you mean. 

“I don’t know,” you say just in case he can’t guess.

“Thinking about something?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Just, like. Stressed.”

“About what?”

“The party.”

“That we just got back from?”

“Yes.”

He holds you tighter. “What happened there?”

Nothing, really. Nothing bad that you can think of. But what if something bad happened and you missed it? “Do you think it went okay?”

“I—me?” he stutters. “What—what does that have to do with anything?”

“How did the party seem to you?”

“It seemed fine. But was it?”

“I don't know.”

“Did something happen?”

“I don’t think so. But what if it did.”

“Hmm.”

“It’s stupid, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not stupid. But why do you think something happened?”

“Why wouldn't it?”

“Things can just be nice.”

You know that’s like …true…technically. Allegedly. But you’re still mad he said it.

“Not for me,” you want to say, but you hold yourself back. 

“Everyone liked you,” he said.

You’re happy at that thought, but you don’t want to believe it. “Thank you,” you say. 

“Everyone was also ready for us to meet up again soon.”

“Yeah.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head, and to your neck, and shoulder. 

“You did a really great job.”

“Thank you.”

You’re proud of yourself for overcoming your anxiety and having an outcome that you want. But no one must know. You’re scared to be happy. You feel the sensation glowing inside of you, and it’s enjoyable. 

For some reason it’s easier being happy in front of other people, with friends. It’s easy to have fun with friends. Like nothing bad can happen to you if you’re with them. 

But it’s not easy to feel proud of yourself. It’s not easy to feel like you’ve done the right thing. It’s not easy to be confident in your own decision. You’re tired, and happy, and afraid of feeling sad. You’re afraid of not feeling this ever again. You want to enjoy it while it lasts.

You want to let go of your resentments and live freely and one of your resentments is the seemingly easy way other people are able to get their socialization needs met but you aren’t. You are now in a situation where you can enjoy this socialization, but you have to let yourself go. You have to let yourself enjoy this.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“I guess there’s nothing really to talk about.”

“It’s okay if you want to keep talking.”

“Maybe tomorrow morning.”

“Okay. If you’re sure. Are you ready to sleep?”

“Soon.”

“Okay. Want to watch something?” 

“Just one episode.”

He goes and finds a comfort episode he can play that won’t be too stimulating, and you both can fall asleep to.

You’re doing a good job and everything is going to be okay. You still have stuff to work on but who doesn't? It’s okay to celebrate the small victories and every day is a step closer to the life you want. And there’s already so much you’re grateful for now. You have come so far from where you were before and you will continue to go farther.

You have some other things holding you back that you’re working on letting go of. You have some old rules that say you are not allowed to have fun, with friends, or otherwise. You have some old rules that say that you are on borrowed time and if you have fun now it will bite you in the butt later. 

But you don't have to live by your old rules now. You can live by new rules and be kind to yourself, gentle, and loving. You can play and have fun in your life. You can never get the time you lost in your childhood back but you can make the most of the present moment you have now. You can enjoy your life in the present and let go of resentments of the past and fears of the future.

It’s not going to be easy, but you can be there for yourself and support yourself and try your best. You can be present with yourself as you go along this journey, and you can ask for help when you need.You can make your own rules. You are allowed to play and have fun in your life.

[kaitycole]

memories left unaltered

Summary: Ushijima’s reminded of the offer for him to play for the Poland team Orzeł Warszawa, which he used to be unsure about taking. But suddenly he accepts the offer without hesitation, what changed his mind in just five days?

Pairings: Ushijima x gn!reader (past tense)

Word Count: 2050

Warnings: Mentions of a past/mutual break up.

A/N: Inspired by Memory I Don’t Mess With by Lee Brice ( X ) The last two lines are lyrics from the song. 

Thursday

The harsh winter wind tangled itself around the couple as they walked through the festival, walking as closely together as they could without taking up too much room. Ushijima glanced over to see a red nosed YN frantically rubbing their hands together to obtain some warmth, once again having forgotten gloves. Without hesitation, he grabbed their hands, placing them in the right jacket of his pocket, causing YN to look up at him strangely. He mumbled something they didn’t hear, but saw the way he tried to turn his face away before they saw the pleased expression on his face. YN leaned into his side, saying they should leave their gloves at home more often, giggling when he quickly said that was a bad idea before changing his mind and saying once and a while wouldn’t be bad.

Ushijima stretches his neck to the left, holding it for several seconds before leaning it to right, repeating this a few times. He lets out a deep breath, the stress knots in his shoulders weighed down his mood and part of him wishes that he could be the type to skip a practice without feeling guilty. His day hadn’t started off great, a morning call from his mother reminding him that he wasn’t getting any younger and should start thinking of marriage followed by an early afternoon call from his father reminding him he needed to make a decision about transferring to Poland. It’s unlike him to feel so hesitant about a decision, usually he dives into each opportunity head on without restraint.

He pushes himself off the locker room bench, tossing his deodorant into his locker before shutting it, grabbing his duffle bag. A few of his teammates ask if he wants to join them for dinner, but he declines, just wanting to go home and sleep. Ushijima steps outside the gym, throwing his bag over his shoulder before starting towards the parking lot, pausing when he sees someone with (h/c) hair getting into a nearby car. He chalks it up to overworking, to all those late night practices and short hours of sleep, shaking his head he dismisses the thought that that person had been YN. They had no reason to be around here, at least not anymore. It’s the first time in a while he catches himself thinking about YN, not that he had forgotten about them, he just preferred to leave those memories alone.

** Friday

Familiar lyrics filled his apartment, getting louder as he walked closer to the source. There was a smile on his face as he leaned against the wall, watching as YN effortlessly glided through the kitchen, humming as they turned off the burner. A huge grin stretched across their face when they turned to see Ushijima standing nearby, waving him over before restarting the song. YN pulled him into a hug, arms wrapping around him just under his arms, resting their head on his shoulder while Ushi’s large hands rested on their hips. The lyrics wrapped around them, both just swaying to the music, getting too lost in each other to pay attention to the meal on the stove getting cold. The song ended, not that either noticed, Ushijima pulled YN closer into his chest, the two continued to rock side to side in the now quiet kitchen.

After hours of tossing and turning, it’s finally time for Ushijima to roll out of bed, something that’s proving more difficult today than usual. It’s been months since he last thought about YN, but they refused to leave his thoughts after he thought it was them at the gym. He knows it’s an absurd thought, but that didn’t mean a small piece of him almost hoped that it had been. The hot water from his shower doesn’t wake him up as much as it threatens to lull him back to sleep and it’s with heavy eyes that he finally drags himself out of his apartment. He waves to the elderly woman watering the flowers next to his apartment complex and scratches the stray cat behind the ears before walking to the complex’s parking lot.

Hushed conversations fill the space around him, a few concerned looks directed his way and he honestly didn’t think he looked that rough this morning. Absentmindedly, he runs his fingers through his hair that he hadn’t bothered to run pomade through to tame the ends that like to stick up, walking further into the gym to get to the locker room. Just before practice starts, the coach calls for everyone to gather around, saying he’s going to announce the new team publicist. Ushijima isn’t paying much attention, his mind already occupied with a variety of other things when he hears the coach ask them to join the group and he looks up to see YN standing there, a new employee badge hanging from the lanyard around their neck.

** Saturday

The birds chirping outside drew Ushijima from his sleep along with the warmth from the sun that came through the thin white curtains hanging over the windows. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times when he noticed YN was looking at him, watching him. YN gently placed a hand on his cheek, fingers tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, raising an eyebrow as they asked why he was looking at them like that. Ushijima contemplated for a moment before asking if they were okay from last night, making sure they weren’t sore anywhere. YN smiled, quickly reassuring him that he was nothing less than a perfect gentleman, laughing slightly as they watched Ushijima turn a dark red across his cheeks to the tips of his ears and most likely all the way to the back of his neck.

Ushijima’s thankful for it being the weekend, even if it did mean 6AM practice because it meant that YN had no reason to be at the gym. It had been a bit jarring yesterday to have the fact that YN would be working there now thrown at him with no time to digest the news, especially since it was announced right before practice began. But he’s a professional afterall and that means he can politely nod when YN speaks to him and act civil when needed despite wanting nothing more than to avoid them at all cost. He’s halfway across the court when he hears his given name called out, knowing it’s YN before he turns around, letting out a deep breath in hopes it calms his nerves.

It’s been just about three years since their break-up which to be fair had ended mutually; his professional career had become more demanding and YN had just started a new job. They seem a lot more confident that Ushi feels in the moment, reminding him that’s always been a trait he’s loved about them as the two exchange polite conversation that never scratches too far below the surface. YN briefly mentions having a half-day on Monday and would love if he’d have lunch with them and possibly explore the idea of being friends again which takes him aback. YN excuses themself, making sure to tell him he doesn’t have to give them an answer now and to think about it before leaving a stunned Ushijima just standing there.

** Sunday

It wasn’t an unusual sight, in fact his teammates should be used to it, but a blushing Ushijima with a goofy grin on his face isn't something one could just get used to. A phone with YN before and after each away game was just as routine as pregame warm ups for the opposite hitter. They watched as his expression showed an array of emotions, ones that were never seen on the court, as the phone conversation went on. From a flustered expression to a soft expression to an ‘I’m so in love with my partner’ expression all within the span of just a few minutes. He was wearing an almost sickening lovey dovey expression when he hung up, a few of his teammates teasing him before he just shrugged them off, remarking that they were just jealous.

YN’s offer has left him a bit out of sorts which is why he didn’t realize it’s only 4AM in Paris when he calls Tendou for advice and why it takes the former middle blocker shouting his name for Ushijima to finally realize that he’s overwatering his Japanese Stonecrop. He knows that they didn’t mean anything malicious by suggesting the two become friends again, but it still felt odd to consider. Ushijima has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of seemingly erasing all those emotions and memories they shared as lovers to reverting back to just friends. It’s possible, he knows that, he’s heard other teammates talk about their own experiences taking that step back. But YN is different, they still hold a part of Ushijima that he probably won’t ever be able to get back.

Tendou however thinks it’s a great idea and that if he opened his mind just a bit, he could maybe consider it to be a sign to rekindle their romance. Explaining to the olive-colored haired man that sometimes exes get back together after realizing that friends just won’t be enough and reminding his friend that they were great together and ending on pretty decent terms. However it’s what Ushijima says next that has the redhead reconsidering everything he’s just said. He listens as he’s told that being friends wouldn’t work because he’d fall for YN all over again the first time they laughed at something he said and that he can’t risk that. That the memories he holds of their relationship are too precious to potentially ruin by writing over them like a reused VHS tape.

** Monday

No one really had to ask to already know Ushijima and YN broke up, it was clear in his actions. Evident in the way his expression remained impassive, how his phone stopped ringing before and after games, and the way his hair had grown longer than usual. He started staying after practice until the janitor had to force him out, he had dark circles under his eyes, but constantly reassured his teammates that it wouldn’t affect him on the court, which just made them worry more. It was also evident that he was still hopelessly and madly in love with YN. It was shown through the way he still checked his phone for texts and calls that never came, how his stoic facade cracked at the slightest mention of their name, and how instead of throwing away their memories, he just locked them away so they wouldn't fade with time and the edges wouldn’t tatter.

His mother isn’t too keen on the idea, asking how she’s supposed to see her future (and currently non-existent) grandkids if they were all the way in Poland. On the other hand, his father fully entered ‘proud dad’ mode and can’t stop telling him how excited he is to watch Ushijima grow more as a man and player. He walks out of Coach Suzaku’s office, getting one final handshake from the older man before he heads to the locker room. His steps echo around the empty hallway, there’s still an hour before practice is supposed to start meaning the facility is mostly empty. He likes to think that’s why Oikawa chose to go to Argentina, that he also understood that one can only grow so much by staying in the same environment.

On his way out, he walks by YN’s office, noticing the light’s on but they aren’t at the desk. Quickly he slips in, dropping an envelope on top of their opened laptop, knowing it just isn’t something he can do in person. That if they asked him to, he’d stay in Japan because despite how stoic he appears, YN could make him crumble with just one look. After he got off the phone with Tendou, Ushijima decided the easiest way to tell YN his feelings was in a short letter. He’s already back at his apartment when YN finally gets to their office and reads the words he left them: Don't hate me, I can't help it, Gotta leave us where we left it. You're a memory I don't mess with.

m.list | likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated! 

[minahoeshi]

you were loved the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader | break-up angst

summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

He said it was easy to fall in love with you. He said he didn’t know when exactly, at which place, nor for what reason. Simply one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi found himself looking at you with the epiphany that maybe there’s something more meant to happen between you and him. There you stood before him that day, the person he could promise love to. (And there he stood before you that moment, the boy whose promises you found yourself believing in no matter what.)

So maybe that’s why it was even easier for him to fall out of love. When he told you he was no longer in love with you, it didn’t matter to you to ask when exactly, at which place, or for what reason. Even the universe itself is meant to fizzle out one day along with the death of the stars. Just one more person drifting away from you like a lone planet with no real orbit shouldn’t leave you broken. You are used to this. You won’t fall apart.

But you break anyway.

It was snowing outside when he decided to tell you to end things now before it hurts both of you even further. Not that the snow has anything to do with the coldness creeping up your chest threatening to spill out of you in endless sobs. You were glad, though. That at the very least, he remained honest with his feelings. He never left you guessing. Every time, he never forgets to tell you what’s on his mind. His honesty is something he thought was necessary.

“I understand, don’t worry. Thank you for telling me right away. I know you’re also considering me–” you tell him and choke up. There are tears running down your face but you’re not worried about that. Wakatoshi never let you mask your emotions around him. For the longest time, he reminded you to feel free to be completely bare with him. All the good and the bad, he said. Don’t be afraid to show them to me. I will always understand.

He steps closer and puts you between his arms. You feel his chin on top of your head as you lean your face into his chest. You’re sobbing now. “I’ll be fine, Toshi. We’ll be fine.”

He kisses the top of your head and lets you stay in his arms for minutes. “I loved you then, and I love you still. It’s just that they’re no longer the same kind. I will stay if you ask me to, okay? Anything you want.”

This only makes you cry harder. He’s always been too good. And even in breaking your heart, he’s too good. You want him to hold on. You want to ask him to stay with you for years and years. Even with a different kind of love, you’ll let him be as long he’s close by. But someone like him who has dreams beyond yourself shouldn’t ever be with someone like you who still lacks certainty toward anything.

“Just for tonight,” you ask, still crying. “Can I stay?”

“of course,” he replies. Anytime you want. Anything you want. It has always been this way.

Because humans are creatures of routines and familiarity, you spend that night the way you usually do when you’re at his place. You cook dinner with him and eat on the dining table, sharing stories and laughter. You keep adding food to his plate and he smiles as you giggle at everything you find funny.

It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine.

You clean the kitchen and stay in the living room. He leans on the couch as you lay down with your head on his lap. You keep talking and laughing. He goes along, sometimes adding things to make you laugh even more, sometimes simply agreeing, sometimes asking questions. You keep it loud and light, afraid of the silence. Inside you, it’s so heavy, your heart might just fall off. This will be the last, you tell yourself. You want to be happy for now. While he’s still here.

"Do me a favor, okay?" You tell him as you're nearing slumber. "Let me leave first tomorrow. Maybe stay in bed, maybe pretend you're asleep. But tomorrow, don't get out of the room until I've left the house." Your voice shakes, feeling yourself wanting to sob.

"I don't want to wake up to another empty bed but I don't want to see your face when I wake up too," you curl into him even further. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I still don't really know what to do. And I know you wake up pretty early and you know, do stuff, but just for tomorrow, please?"

Wakatoshi didn't really understand why. He originally planned on cooking breakfast for you and taking you to the train station. He would watch you board the train and he'd make sure to smile at you as he waves. You always waved back. That's how it works. Even after fights, and even after especially bad nights, you'd still do the same. Watching you leave with a smile was how you both knew you'd still be fine the days after. That nothing much can affect your relationship. For years, this has been the routine.

But tomorrow, he knows he has to give way. He knows what he said hurt you. It would be wrong of him to do what he wants simply because he's used to.

Tomorrow's the last, he realises. And then if you want, he'd never see you again.

--

You wake up pretty early. The sky is a calm shade of blue, the world outside still waking up. You check the time on your phone and find it's 6 AM. Last night, you slept with your back on him. The sight before you is the other end of his bedroom and you notice just how much of yourself you've managed to leave around his place. Pieces of just one other person in his life, scattered in places around his world pretending that’s just where they belong. You didn't mind leaving things behind back then. You never really thought of the day that you might’ve to take back all of them. Just how does one pick up parts of themselves when they thought they’ve finally found a place for them to stay?

But as you stand up, you conclude that when things end, traces shouldn’t be left behind. He didn’t decide to break up only to be reminded of you even after you’re no longer close to him. So you go and pick every little thing that's yours. Even your jacket and sweaters and a few pairs pyjamas in his closet. You'll just take his things from your place too and hand it to Tendou's shop. Coming back here won’t do you any good. Him coming to your place instead wouldn’t either.

Collecting all your things, even the ones you can't use anymore, you leave the bedroom and enter the living room. You don't have many belongings here aside from some DVDs and books. You only take the books and leave the rest for him. You've always preferred reading anyway.

Setting your bag and things aside on the sofa, you go ahead and wash yourself in the bathroom and bring your toothbrush and some other products with you when you're done. You then head to the kitchen to cook him something light to eat for breakfast . You knew you didn't have to. He knows how to cook. It has always been him cooking breakfast for you. When you could, you’d rather stay in bed until the very moment you must start preparing to go to uni or work. But you did anyway. He's probably in his bed, awake. He has never been a heavy sleeper. With all the moving you did around his room, he was bound to wake up if he wasn't already.

You make him a simple omelette and write a small message on top of it with ketchup. "Good luck with practice today!"

You've already cleaned everything you used, preferring to wash and set utensils as soon as you're done with them. That way, when you're sitting down to eat, there won't be any cluster around to distract you.

You put the ketchup down and decide that should be enough. You'll stop here. You should go now.

Ushijima is sitting on his bed. He's been awake since 5 AM when he usually goes on his run. It isn't the first time he chose to stay with you instead of going out, but he can't help but feel heavy this time. He stayed in for you. But as the minutes pass by, it seems that he simply cannot find the courage to sit up and face you.

He wants to sink into his bed.

There's knock on the door followed by sentences uttered softly. "Toshi, I'm going now. There's breakfast on the table. Make sure to eat before you go."

There goes the heavy feeling again. Maybe if this keeps up, he might just actually sink and never get back up.

You've done that a few times. Leaving while he's still in the room. You don't even open the door. You simply knock and tell him you're about to go, always reminding him to eat before he goes too.

But this will be the last, he thinks. If you leave now, will he never see you again?

a/n

chapter 2 will be up soon not rly sure when tho. (it's up now the link is at the top)

also, im not entirely sure but i think i didnt use any pronouns or gendered nouns for this except "girl" in the 1st paragraph which i erased just now? if i'm right, then i hope everyone reading this get to feel as though theyre rly the person in the story. unless ofc u dont want that bc this isnt the happiest ushitoshi x reader fic u can find🥲. but thanks for reading!!!! m so sorry for typos nd other errors as well. i kinda cant read my own writings bc sometimes doing so makes me wanna smack myself in the head and never write again nd i hate that so now im leaving my mistakes to the gods nd hope they love me enough or smth. but yes thank u sm again for reading!!!!

[minahoeshi]

you were loved the most the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader | breakup angst

Summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

Middle schooler Ushijima Wakatoshi was already more special than the kids around him. This, he was made to believe. It’s not exactly like it was wrong either. When a child is raised the way he was, with so much support that it’s suffocating, one can only grow to be good at what they were told they were meant to be doing. Volleyball as a toddler was meant for the happier times, a memory locked away as nothing but a feeling of nostalgia, never to be completely remembered again. Volleyball as a middle school player was an endless beginning, the very first point of a journey with no real possible end. Volleyball as one of the best among kids of his age, proven by the strength his high school team was known for and the fact that he was already on the world stage as well, could only ever spur him on to keep the momentum. Keep climbing, he would be reminded. Never stop. That’s how you reach the peak. Whether he would break after all that or rise to the very top was never even a matter of discussion. The way to the top was the only one there was. Looking back down and allowing himself to just freefall until the top becomes a distance almost crossed but never reached wasn’t ever an option. Wakatoshi could only ever aim for the very peak.

So, Wakatoshi, how’s volleyball as a pro?

The feeling of a dream-come-true that never was a dream, he might say. But him and sentimental descriptions simply didn’t really mix much. You were the one filled to the brim with those kinds of words. Maybe flowers laced the walls of your chest, maybe when God kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, he left the garden to grow and flourish within your lungs, maybe you unknowingly raised every single Godly creation and so you were blessed with the power to create as well. You were full of flowery words, that’s what he knows. He would listen to every single one of them, count every petal, water every plant, kiss every one of them in their full bloom, and watch as sunlight filtered orange sets on all that you are. He’s always liked plants. But yours were his favourite.

So he wonders why the point where he could no longer listen to your words had to come. Why he looked at you and only felt the kind of fondness that comes with familiarity but not exactly love. Why the way your hands entwined with his no longer fills his chest with warmth. Why the abyss he spent trying to fill before you arrived (and made him realise maybe empty spaces were never meant to be filled to feel full but instead filled to feel warm) now feels extremely cold again. So maybe things like love do end. And maybe he made promises too soon.

So maybe when you told him about your mother and father and about how they made promises too but couldn’t come through, and when Wakatoshi thought you won’t ever be the same, he was wrong. Maybe one of them realised letting go when love no longer feels the same is better than letting their hands stay entwined when there’s only numbing coldness left to be felt. So maybe it’d do you better for him to let things end. From this point onwards, whatever he does will only ever hurt you. Because you crave the kind of affection that won’t ever end, and how he wish he could keep giving that to you, but he just no longer can. And staying with him who, for whatever fucked up reason the cosmos came up with, can no longer find the love he spent years sharing with you, is something he would never wish upon you.

This fucking hurts. How he fucking wants to keep loving you. What the hell happened?

After you left, Wakatoshi skipped training. He felt bad for eating the omelette when you cooked it to wish him luck. But he ate it anyway, wondering if he will ever see you again. And if so, will he feel find himself feeling the way he used to? And if yes, would you want that?

How do feelings work anyway?

--

You get to work right away. Still feeling heavy and hurt, sobbing at times, you keep collecting Wakatoshi’s things from your apartment. There were a lot. You were both comfortable with sharing your spaces with each other anytime you both wanted. Sometimes leaving things behind caused problems like that time Wakatoshi left his jersey in your apartment and only realized on the day of a game. You had to head to the gym earlier than you usually do, thankfully having washed the clothing a few days before. It’s actually there again, you find. His Schweiden Adler jersey in your closet among the pile of his other shirts and pyjamas. You put all that and other things into a box and close it up. For now, you’ll clean your place and get some sleep. You slept late last night and you woke up too early. Dealing with lack of sleep and the taxing feelings of ache after a breakup was too much. You were exhausted.

The moment you lie on your bed, you feel yourself falling asleep. And then you do. World gone.

You wake up at around lunch and take a short shower. You dress up, carry the box of Wakatoshi’s stuff, head out, lock your door, and go on your away to Tendou’s chocolate shop. You weren’t friends with him before you met Wakatoshi. So, you guess, maybe this will be the last you see him too. When people lose others, they either prefer to keep remembering or completely forget. For your sake, you’d rather be the latter.

Tendou’s shop isn’t close enough to the train station. You have to walk a few more minutes before you reach it. The box you’re carrying isn’t exactly heavy but you still feel sluggish even after that nap. You stop by a café to gather your wits and rest a bit. When you meet Tendou, you know he’ll greet you brightly. Toshi wouldn’t have told him that you broke up just yet. You realised long ago that unless asked by people, Toshi would rather not say anything most of the time. His silence was one you grew used to. Now you have to get used to not being around it anymore.

When you enter the chocolate shop, you see his red hair behind the counter right away. Quite the opposite of Wakatoshi, he’s lively and loud when he wants to be. Like right now, as he’s talking to a costumer, excitedly helping them choose one of the products they’re looking for. You wait until he’s done, just sending him a wave when he sees you, smiling. When the costumer leaves, you head for the counter and place the box you’ve been holding on top pf it.

Loudly, as you expected, he says, “hello! What brings you here? Haven’t seen you in like, three days, I think? You need anything? Where’s Wakatoshi-san? He’s not with you? Why?”

His barrage of questions won’t be left unanswered. But first, you nudge the box toward him. “Uhm, yeah, haven’t seen you in days. I… uhm, I’m here to ask you to do something. Related to Toshi-kun, of course, and well, why he’s… not, uhm, here…? With me?”

You stutter a lot mainly because you don’t exactly feel like announcing that Wakatoshi broke up with you. Tendou simply seems extremely excited to see you and even hopeful to see his best friend too but right now, you just feel like crying all over again It’s like you just can’t run out of tears. You just know that after this, you’ll go home and sob the rest of the day away. Breaking up with Wakatoshi hurt you a lot.

The redhead urges you on, concern beginning to appear on his face. What with the way you’re stuttering and fidgeting when you’re usually so comfortable around him and other people, it’s easy to tell that you’re not feeling too well. Clearly, something must have happened between you and Wakatoshi.

“So… we… kind of broke up…?” the lack of certainty in your voice makes it seem as though you’re still unsure if things really did end between you and the pro-athlete you’ve spent years with. But with the way Wakatoshi told you his reasons for breaking up last night, and how he didn’t want to keep hurting you because you’ve already talked to him about two other people who met and fell in love and did many things and yet still fell out of it but tried to hold on for too long that they ended up tearing each other down until even their daughter started to break with them until it’s just one tiny family with sharp shards for hearts, only capable of hurting each other and nothing more (some daughters grow up wanting to be anything but their mothers and fathers). Of course, Wakatoshi never mentioned that story, but you both knew that when he said he knows he can only really hurt you even more if he lets things run as they always did, he meant, we’re not your parents. We won’t tear each other down. If you go now, you’ll be okay enough to not be the person you’ll come to hate.

The only thing you allow Tendou to know is that you and Wakatoshi are no longer dating and that you’re both okay with it. You leave it at that, and when Tendou gives you a hug, the pain in your chest runs up your throat and you start crying again but that’s alright because Tendou reminds you that you’re sad and hurt and crying makes sense and crying helps and crying is fine and maybe crying makes it hurt a little bit less. He pats your back and says nothing after that, simply letting you calm down.

Before you leave, you purchase a few sweets because Tendou told u it’ll help. Chocolates and sadness work too well with each other.

–

The last time Wakatoshi remembers talking to you was around a year after your breakup. He and his team known to be one of the bests of Japan lost against the bests of Argentina in the Olympics. The world stage wasn't a strange new world to him and neither was loss, but for the first time in many years, the man found himself burdened by the weight of too many regrets.

He knew then that maybe it wasn't exactly losing against Argentina that made him feel this way. Maybe the emptiness he so desperately filled by pouring too much of his days into training and playing was finally there to break him. Maybe the whole time he was thinking he was getting there, not knowing where, only hoping to keep going because he just doesn't know where he can stop to lay his pieces down, he was only distracted enough to not miss the warmth you brought with you which you took with you when he broke your heart. And so when he lost that game, he questioned what could possibly keep him going. When does this journey end? Until when must he keep going? His parents never told him when he was younger. All this time, he only knew to keep forward. Now that he has won one too many games and finally lost one of the most important games he could play, he finds himself wondering if he should stop here now.

And because you knew him too much, you just had to, you know, be that rock that kept him steady even after he hurt you. He went and broke your heart for reasons he himself still cannot really explain, like how the fuck he knew he was no longer in love with you, and why the fuck is he still missing you, and is God playing with him right fucking now? So you just had to call him when he was all alone in his hotel room, mind messed up in so many ways. Your voice just to had to be there. To tell him, you did so well today. To be honest, I haven't watched much of your games recently but I felt like I just had to watch this one. And it was so awesome. It makes me wanna start watching you play again. You're amazing, Wakatoshi-kun. I'm so proud of you.

And then a year later, Wakatoshi finds out that you finally published the novel you’ve been working on since way before he met you. In the first message you sent him, you attached a picture of your book, saying, look at the name on the cover. are you proud of me yet? I am too<3. Better grab yourself a copy before there's none left, right? He couldn't say for sure why you decided to message him about it. It wasn't like you stayed in contact, both of you aware of how much you preferred not facing the past if you had the choice. That time after he lost against Tooru Oikawa's team in the Olympics and you gave him a call was because you're just that kind. You're just that amazing.

But like many things he'll never understand, he just lets this one be. So what if you told him about your book? He should be thankful enough that you even decided to tell him about it. So he goes and buys a copy and reads it as soon as he gets home. It's not like he's big on reading. But he just really likes your words.

Epilogue

...and if someday we find ourselves in a universe where soulmates are filled to the brim with not only stardust but also pure serendipity, I wonder what kind of mark we would have. I kinda wish it'd be that one where ink on my skin gets inked on yours too. Then maybe it'd be so much easier to tell you all the secrets I've been trying to keep. Like how I spent too many years regretting not succumbing in that green lake back home or how sometimes I bleed all over in red angry lines running down like red angry tears, and how much you made me just want to live because you just made me feel loved the most of all. Because maybe you were my finallyfinallyfinallyfinally before you were my whywhywhywhywhywhy.

The End

A/N

Hello. I deeply feel how flawed this fic is but that's fine. I'm still learning how to write stories because I've been writing prose more than anything else. So stories like this do kinda scare me. But I still hope you liked it and thank you so much for reading it!!!!

also, not proofread. it's p hard for me to reread my own works so im v sorry for any mistakes and stuff. if u find any mistakes and whatnot pls pls pls tell me. thats all i hope u enjoyed this v much shouldve stayed in the drafts fic. mwa!

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