#ushra

[1966x]

I fainted again today for the third time in the last 5 months and it's kinda alarming but i don't know how I feel about anything. I have no one to call or talk to or someone that follows my health or checks in or genuinely cares. Sure I'm grateful for my friends, but that's not what I meant.

In my 21 years of existence, with my physical (& mental of course) health in question - this is probably the most pronounced I've seen my loneliness out there.

[1966x]

got me feelin like a frank ocean song 💕

[monstersmonthly]

#Repost @wc3120 #TBT to another old school favorite of mine. Nitemare is still around today, it was rebuilt as Shell Camino! #Nitemare #OldSchool #USHRA #CrushingCars #ConcreteShows #monsterlife #monstertruck #monstersmonthly

[monstersmonthly]

#Repost @wc3120 ・・・ #TBT to the baddest car crushing tank of all time! The Virginia Beach Beast Who misses the tanks? #OldSchool #CarCrushing #VirginiaBeachBeast #squarebodies #USHRA #monstertruck #monsterjam #trucksgonewild #trucklife #monstersmonthly

[1966x]

listening to lady and the tramp soundtrack at 6am because why not

[1966x]

“Holding the man” 07/06/16 by ushra

[1966x]

Sometimes i sit in my room with the lights dimmed listening to Angus and Julia stone and sometimes something sadder like Alt j and i think of all the times i’d fucked up. What’s worse is sometimes my conscience acts up exactly a minute after ive done something stupid or bad or harmful for myself. I’m a bad person. No one wants me or likes me and i’m closer to accepting it every day. I try so hard and it’s so pretentious. I try so hard to be this person that i’m not and i want to be this person so bad but i cant and i hate it. I wait and i wait and i wait to find these people that will like me for who i am. I wait to like me for who i am and i just can’t. My body, my face, my words. Its so much and i cant take on the weight. Id be so much better off dead and it’d be better for my parents and ‘friends’.

 I watched a documentary on a bipolar boy who killed himself and he left a note saying that he couldn’t trust his friends and that everyone hated him. And his parents and friends said that it was the disease talking and not him and that he only wrote it all because he was worsening and about to kill himself. And it scares me so much because i feel so much like that and i cant deal with it and it scares me that this is what i have and who i am.

 It took so much to stop cutting and letting my hatred for myself get in the way but i cant anymore. My back hurts and shoulders ache and i feel the left corner of my stomach churning anf its so difficult. I cant do this anymore. Things would be so much easier if i could just be thinner, and prettier and talented and have people like me. Most people have something. They like themselves, or have a family or have someone who loves them or friends. I have none of that and i just want to rip my hair out and jump off a roof.

 I’m so tired of my ‘friends’ using me and pretending to like myslf. I’ll do it soon and swift and no one will see it. I’ll do it before Ramadan so that my parents can mourn for two months, my dad doesn’t have to pay tuition in august, and my sister can move on and get on with her wedding preparations. I haven’t seen them in so long it wont be that hard. Please don’t let anyone from trent/ scholastic find out or see me after.

[1966x]

The real o'neals is the best fucking show on tv rn omg I'm dying