After the Rain (Buck x Eddie)
happy birthday to one of my favorite people and someone im so lucky to call my friend @kate-sheffield
our conversations are always the best inspiration, ily
warnings: mention of death, mention of miscarriage
It's late afternoon when Bucks hangs up the phone, the rays of sunlight splashed over the table are slowly turning golden as they fade to make way for the coming moonlight and the meteorologist is on tv talking about possible rain hitting the LA area but he can barely hear it now. Everything had gone suddenly quiet, brought to a faint hum except the roaring of the blood pounding in his ears. His hands felt like they were numb, he could no longer feel the table beneath his palm and his fingertips were tingling.
The baby was gone.
The firefighter onesie was still upstairs in the fire truck gift bag, tucked carefully into the corner of his closet. He was waiting for the baby shower to give it to Connor and Kameron. He even got orange tissue paper to match the little flames on the side. Just a couple weeks away from finding out the sex of their baby, not that either of them cared anyway and now they would never know. 'Some kind of chromosomal anomaly,' is what Connor said it was. The gift sat upstairs now, what was supposed to be a celebration of a new family was now an adorable testament to his never-ending list of failures. He wondered why he even let himself get his hopes up.
He found himself half drunk on Eddie's doorstep a few hours later, sorrow and anger burned off already on a bottle of whiskey and a bruised hand, now he was sick of being alone. It must've been late, Buck wasn't completely sure, but Chris was already in bed so they stood in the kitchen while Buck slurred through the story of getting the call from Connor. They had decided to adopt now, it would help a child in need and relieve themselves from the pain and pressure that's built up from every failed step to becoming parents so far.
"I don't think I realized how much I wanted it, you know? Like I built it up in my head of this idea of a family and now I don't know what to do. I was going to be a father and now I have nothing." Buck sipped from the glass of water Eddie had given him and he could feel the ache in head recede a little. Eddie was now watching him through narrowed eyes, arms crossed as he leaned in the doorway while Buck sat at the counter, head laying heavy in his hand.
"Listen Buck, you have every right to your emotions. This is the kind of news any parent fears and they are your friends, and I know how badly you wanted to help them but please I hope you understand that this was not going to make you a father. That wasn't going to be your kid and it wasn't your family. It was theirs," Eddie spoke, barely managing to bite back his annoyance and something else Buck was in no state to understand, and then quickly turned to rummage through the fridge, the action not disguising the tense set to his shoulders.
"Well, I mean not technically. I know that but-"
"Do you actually know that Buck? Do you? Because in my opinion someone who knew that wouldn't even use the word father to describe themselves in this situation and would definitely not have bought an LAFD onesie for a kid that wasn't yours." He wiped at his face before turning to shut the fridge with a loud thud, his eyes staring hard at the wall behind Buck.
"I mean I thought it would be cute, it doesn't mean anything," Buck replied, his head was too fuzzy for this conversation and he was beginning to feel the anger rising in his chest again. He thought Eddie would be more understanding, or at least less hostile.
"Normally no. Could be a cute gift for the kid of a college friend, yeah that's true but I know you Buck. I heard it in your voice when you called and said you were going to be a father. You let yourself get too invested. This gift coming from you is not as innocent as you want to act like it is. It is forging a connection to something and people you have no right to try and make." Eddie's voice rose slightly and he instinctively took a glance down the hall, where they could both hear Chris turning in his sleep.
Buck watched him as he paced further into the kitchen and farther from the door, but he noticeably stayed as far from Buck as he could manage, arms coming back over his chest. Buck knew he shouldn't say anything but he's never been one to necessarily control his impulses and the words came tumbling out, "The baby is gone Eddie. I know it's their family that's affected but I lost something too okay?! I don't know if I'm ever going to have my own family, my own real family and it felt like this was my chance and now I don't know if I will ever get another one. And now it's like I'm alone again."
"Stop talking like that!" Eddie's voice came out as a hiss. His eyes were daggers, holding Buck's in place like it was against his throat. "Stop acting like you are some lone wolf kicked out of his pack. I know the stuff with your parents was shitty, I know that. But please stop acting like you are alone in this world, like you don't have a family. I can't believe you would even say that. You have Maddie back in your life and a niece for god's sake! You have all of us at the firehouse, the whole team is your family Evan!"
"It's not the same-"
"As what? Having your own child? It wasn't your kid Buck! Besides, if you think for one second Christopher doesn't think of you as family, then you are not as observant as you like to think. You may not be a father, but you have become like a dad to him over the years and imagine how he'd feel to hear you throwing him, throwing us away like that. I cannot believe you. I thought we were your family, what else has all this time together been?" His face changed then, the tension left his shoulders and he made eye contact again they were almost pleading.
"I..." He had about a million thoughts running through his head, but this conversation had gone so different than he'd imagined that he couldn't even think of how he wanted to respond.
"Listen, it's late, I think you should leave."
And that was it for that night. Buck left in an Uber and woke up the next morning with an intense hangover and an ache in his chest he didn't understand. He spent the day trying to get ahold of Eddie, calls and texts were left unanswered and he was greeted by an empty driveway after he tried for drastic measures. That was two days ago and still no sign of him, he even had his work shifts changed so he never has so much as caught a glimpse of him.
"I mean I get what Eddie is saying but I feel like he's acting like I'm not allowed to have my own feelings about this. I can feel sad right?" He meant it as a rhetorical question but it came out more desperate than he intended so for a moment it just hung in the air between them. He and Hen were sitting in his kitchen enjoying dinner from the Thai place down the street and he was suddenly very thankful she agreed to eat at his place as his voice grew louder.
"I don't think that's what Eddie is upset about," she replied like she expected him to say this, and Buck guessed his insistence they have dinner was less casual than he wanted it to sound because he really did want to talk to someone about it. Someone who wasn't Eddie, or Maddie because he knew she would agree with Eddie.
He had barely touched his food since it arrived, only picking at his noodles and taking small bites. "That's that it seemed like he was mad about Hen. I mean you should have seen how upset he was, like somehow me feeling like I was losing a family was wrong.' He sighed. His chopsticks fell back into his bowl as he leaned back in his seat, hands coming to wipe his face. "I don't know what to do. He's avoiding me and I still feel like I'm not in the wrong here."
"That's not what this is about Buck and that's probably why he's still not talking to you. You are misunderstanding his feelings. This is not about who is in the wrong or right. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings about this. You are allowed to feel loss, to feel sad, for yourself and for your friends and no one would tell you otherwise. But you acting like they were somehow going to become your family is where this gets muddy. First, that's not how these things work unless they explicitly mentioned it and second, think of everything that has happened in the last few years and please explain how you think you have no family. Maybe Eddie feels like you're just casting them aside for some weird version of a family and you're not realizing what's in front of you."
There was a silence after she spoke where he felt like everything in his life shifted, not drastically but just enough for the light to illuminate them. He thought of all the time he spends with Christopher, how he picks him up after school some days, helps him with homework, and spends the weekends playing video games or hitting the park. He thinks of the big moments he was there for in his life, not just as a spectator but having actively participated in his life. And in Eddie's. Because that's where he felt happy, where he felt safe, and most of all: complete. And something Eddie said to him the say they fought replays in his mind. "You have become like a dad to him," and the ache in his chest suddenly vanished.
All this time they were already a family, him, Eddie and Chris. He had been letting other things cloud his emotions and even at some points blatantly ignoring them because it's not how he imagined his family when he was younger. But it was them. And he could even see the rest of his life now in front of him, parent-teacher meetings, Chris going off to college, opening presents on Christmas eve, pancake breakfasts, lazy Sundays in bed with Eddie.
He had wanted to become a better Buck, but there was always something holding him back. And now he realizes it was him being afraid of being happy because Eddie makes him happy and he knows he always will because from the moment they met it's always been him.
"Uh, Hen I think I gotta go." He grabbed his jacket and keys, barely remembering his phone as he raced towards the door.
She just shook her head, carefully piling some of his noodles onto her plate before replying to herself, "About damn time."
He stumbled out of the building, legs nearly buckling as he flew down the steps, now slick with the rain he could now vaguely remember the weather person mentioning but now was not the time to think of his rain jacket sitting in his closet and the thin jacket that he haphazardly threw on while rushing outside, already soaking through to the skin.
The rain was coming down harder now and he was forced to drive at a crawl as the traffic condensed around him, the road and cars barely visible in front of him but it's not like he didn't know the way to Eddie's house by heart. He probably didn't even need to see to make it there. The drive seemed impossibly long this time though and it wasn't just the traffic. His mind kept playing through different scenarios, running away with each and every possibility until Buck's hands were nearly shaking on the wheel. Normally Eddie was the person he could talk to about anything, without anything holding him back, and now he felt himself almost at a loss for words as he continuously failed to think of any possible way to tell him how he feels. Dealing with emotions had never been Buck's strong suit and telling your best friend you're in love with him was an extreme he rarely let himself deal with much less act on.
And now he could just barely make out Eddie's truck in the driveway as he turned on his street, the sight of causing his heart to skip a beat as he thought of what he was about to do. His headlights barely illuminated the house with the rain, all the windows dark except a dim glow coming from behind the shades of the front window. It was Sunday, Buck remembered, which meant it was movie night. And it also meant Buck probably would have been inside hadn't it been for their argument. He's not even sure if Eddie will even speak to him, he could just slam the door in his face but he wouldn't know until he tries.
The walk to the door somehow seems endless and completely new, like he was seeing the space for the very first time. The rain no longer seemed to bother him as it soaked the skin beneath his jacket as he took in the sight of the door ahead of him, despite the circumstances it seemed more inviting. Hours had seemingly passed by the time his knuckles rapped against that door and even longer until he heard familiar footsteps, the creak of the door opening sending his heart into a spin until their eyes met and Buck watched as Eddie's mouth quickly turned into a hard line, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned against the door, careful to keep it as closed as possible.
"What do you want, Buck? I'm kind of busy, I'm sure you know it's movie night." His voice was even hard, refusing to give up anything behind it.
"Yeah, I uh-remembered that," he chuckled, his nerves getting the better of him now that he was face to face with him. No amount of preparation on the way here had let any string of words sound even remotely worthy of conveying what he was feeling but he managed to mutter a beginning to something, "Listen Eddie, I wanted to say sorry about the other night. I understand that what I said wasn't right considering my circumstances, you were right."
"Do you actually understand or do you just want me to forgive you?"
At his harsh tone, Buck could feel his courage creeping back inside him, his desperate urge to get his feelings out and his desire to fight for what he wanted had the words suddenly spilling from his lips before he could think.
"I do understand. I think I let myself get caught up in the idea of a family happening because of me and not ending because of me, because I wasn't good enough. My family sucked growing up and I let myself get too involved in this one because I felt like it would prove something was right about me. But that shouldn't have meant that I lost sight of what I have because I see it now, I feel the love I have now. I do have Maddie back and now I have Jee-Yun and Chim and the rest of the crew but what you and Chris are to me is not the same. You are like my family in a way it's taken me too long to realize, maybe because I didn't think I deserved it," his voice dropped to almost a whisper at the end, the words he was so terrified to speak sitting on the tip of his tongue.
"You mean so much to me and I cannot imagine my life without you or Chris-"
"What are you saying Buck?" His voice was deeper now, but gone was the harshness that was there before and instead Buck allowed himself to imagine for a moment that it was hope, that it was desire clouding his words. And it was the look in his eyes that cemented Buck's feet to the ground, the fleeting thought of running away gone as he finally said those three words.
"I love you Eddie."
He couldn't say anymore as Eddie was now pulling him in, hands grasping at his face and lips pressing desperately to his in a moment he only allowed himself to dream of in the loneliest of nights. And now he wasted no time pulling him by the hips until their bodies were flush against each other, feet tripping over each other as Buck backed him against the wall, the rain dripping down their faces and in between their lips as the storm grew and the wind whipped around them. He could feel every breath Eddie took and shared in each one as their chests rose and fell together. His hands snaked their way to Eddie's back, a groan slipping past his lips as he felt the hot skin beneath his shirt and Eddie was all too eager to return the favor as his hands found their way into his hair, fingers pulling at the short strands hard enough to make Buck gasp.
Just as their clothes began to slip off, Buck's hands trailing the edge of Eddie's pants, Christopher's voice ran out from the living room. "Dad, is that Buck? He's just in time for movie night! I told you he'd make it!"
They broke apart with quiet laughter, and Eddie had to take a few breaths before replying, "Yeah Chris it's Buck, you were right! He wouldn't miss movie night." He said the last part while glancing up at Buck through his lashes, their faces so close their noses were touching and Buck had never felt so light in his life. Everything he wanted was right here.
They let their foreheads touch briefly once more before straightening themselves out, hands finding each other in the low light. Eddie stopped him just before they walked inside, giving him one more kiss before whispering softly against his lips, "I love you too."
"And also Chris would want me to tell you that the movie was his idea. He was very excited about it, said you were going to love it. Something about coral reefs." And that's how he entered this new, yet definitely always meant to be part of his life; surrounded by the two people he loved most in the world and that he couldn't be prouder to call his family.