One thing I'm known for is inadvertently gaining access to large venues. It first happened to me as a kid, when, at Hurricane Harbor, I casually wandered into the 6th place in line to ride the Black Hole waterslide. Later, as a college student, I gained access to TCU football games by pretending I was one of the Hyperfrogs.
Now, in a move that will surely cause fickle stirring among my former fellow Horned Frogs, your beloved Snakes got into the acclaimed UT vs. Colorado football game for only $20.
YOU CHEAP, TAYLOR SWIFT-LOVIN' TRAITOR
These days, UT football tickets run a high price. We're talking $80 a pop, not including VIP seating. So, you factor in overall attendance (over 100,000), and that's at least $8 million per game; Big revenue generator for the university AND the city of Austin.
Lest I be misunderstood, I'm not a cheap individual. I just like to find inexpensive alternatives to high-priced events. While questionable, this practice is technically legal (note my creative use of the word "technically" to absolve myself of any responsibility).
So it happened that I attempted this feat on the day of the UT vs. Colorado football game, with the help of several others who will remain unnamed to protect their innocence. We stopped by Pan's place to get a couple of printed copies of the ticket. The idea was to wait until kickoff, and then purchase a scalped ticket for less than the going rate. At the time, the best we could hope for was like $40.
My expectations were pleasantly surpassed. Just across the street from the stadium, we chanced upon a young Buffalo holding up a ticket, asking for no more than $20 – score! It looked like I'd be able to make it in time for kickoff after all.
Agent #1 gave me explicit instructions. All I had to do was present my purchased ticket at the gate, and once inside, I would then switch to the paper copy, show THAT copy at the designated section, and finally rendezvous with the rest of the crew. It seemed easy enough; in theory at least.
I went in through Gate 7, and gave them my scalped ticket. Once inside, I pulled out the printed copy and asked where Section 38 was located. She informed me it was the student section, at the end zone underneath the giant screen. I began heading over there, and like the Taylor Swift song, I was laughing on a park bench thinking to myself, hey isn't this easy? Well, not sitting down, but definitely laughing to myself over the ease of it all.
THE MARK OF THE BLUE LONGHORN
I got to Section 38 and produced my ticket, and that's when I hit a major snag. The gate attendants informed me that I had to have a blue UT stamp in order to get into that section. They'd doubled up their security efforts in order to prevent would-be game crashers from doing what I was attempting.
I couldn't get into the targeted section to join my peeps, and I knew full well I couldn't go back to the gate where I'd come in. They'd surely scan my ticket again, and once they realized it was a duplicate, I'd be shown the door immediately.
I went up to a couple of event staff members guarding the concierge behind the end zone. Asking them where I could get a stamp, they walked me over to the entryway nearby. This was the LAST thing I wanted. There were two gate attendants per entry booth, each armed with scanners. To make matters worse, the area was patrolled by an Austin cop, a state trooper, and what looked like a Texas Ranger.
Oh, and also present was a K-9 German shepherd, on a very LONG leash.
NOW LISTEN UP, MR. SNAKES. THERE'S TWO WAYS WE CAN DO THIS...
I felt like Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs. You know, the scene where he encounters the K-9 unit in the subway restroom: "Panic hits me like a bucket of water...I'm standing there drenched in panic. All these sheriffs looking at me, and they know, man. They can smell it. Sure as that bleeping dog can, they can smell it on me."
In reality, his character fabricated the whole story to get closer to the criminal gang (he was actually an undercover cop). But you see my point. The heat I sensed from the UT law enforcement officials was real enough.
Luckily, this gate attendant also ordered me back to where I came in. I was more than happy to oblige. They surely would have sensed I was up to something had I inquired again. I knew I wouldn't get a third shot at this.
Faced with a seemingly irresolvable situation, I did the only thing I could. I waited. Now I understand why field agents are trained to play it cool when plans fall apart. Our minds have a tendency to convince us we are more pressed for time than we actually are, which in turn, triggers the panic reaction if left unchecked. Here in this place, patience was my ally.
I surveyed the surroundings, casually walking to different sections of the stadium. I even allowed myself to enjoy the 1st quarter (as much of it as I could see anyway). While doing so, I casually glanced at each entryway and the gate staff manning them. I paid close attention to things like body language and level of boredom.
Towards the end of the 1st quarter, my window of opportunity opened. Near Gate 14, I saw three younger staff members lounging around the ticket table. They had that obvious I-don't-wanna-be here-any-longer look, so I made my move.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Feigning a naive out-of-towner, I asked, "Can you stamp my ticket? I got here after kickoff and looks like they forgot to stamp it over there by Gate 7." The inexperienced youth named Eddie looked at me quizzically. "Did they scan it?" he asked, with decreased enthusiasm.
"Well, yeah!" I retorted. "I'm in here, aren't I? I guess they were getting bored of stamping tickets all day!" I chuckled slightly, believing every word I said.
"Alright, then," Eddie said, giving in, and stamped my ticket.
If I had been pushy about it, they would have smelled a rat. By not taking it seriously and poking fun at everyday human incompetence, I got into the UT game almost for free.
Ah, if only the same ruse would have worked at the U2/Muse concert the following Monday. But I'm not complaining. It was a helluva show and worth every bit of the ticket price. Seriously folks, catch the U2 360 Tour if you can.
HOW DOES FREEDOM FEEL?
At last, I was finally able to join my UT peeps. Sporting an orange shirt and Bevo-style cap I made my way into section 38. The gang was relieved to see me, and told me I got in by a narrow margin. Apparently, one of their friends tried the same stunt earlier, except they SCANNED her ticket and when it didn't register, she was escorted out of there in a hurry. Major suckage.
So Snakes experienced his first football game at The University of Texas at Austin. Seeing the Longhorns positively DESTROY Colorado was a sight to behold unto itself.
And, I might add, there's a super high level of camaraderie amongst UT fans, unlike anywhere else I've seen. People don't just randomly pick UT as their college of choice - they are BORN to be Longhorns.
Thinking back, I couldn't help but notice how WELL the Reservoir Dogs reference fits here. Here I was, at a one-time rival school, posing undercover as one their own. I successfully bypassed a seemingly fool-proof security system, and when plans fell apart, patience and wit saved me from blowing my cover.
Even funnier, my UT colors happened to match Tim Roth's alias in that film.
They called him "Mr. Orange."
