i want everyone to know that when i was younger and exploring emetophilia, i wrote a homestuck fic where godtierdoggy!jade got violently ill from eating chocolate bc she got dog traits
Tonight on Late Night With the Petes and Some Cake Mix [Drabble] - Pete Harem (Happy (belated) Birthday Sara-mun!!)
"Guys, shhhh!!"
The two taller Petes froze in the middle of an argument over what was to do with the left over cake batter, Bennet being for eating it all off the bowl and the beaters and Sanders for just washing it. It was now that they needed Parker's common sense the most.
"S-Senpai! Sensei!! We haven't even taken the ingredients out of the fridge, and be quiet so we don't wake up Sar or the twins!" Parker whispered angrily. The two were driving him crazy, it made him wonder why he allowed them, especially Bennet, into the kitchen to help in the first place.
"Oh... heh..." Bennet let out a nervous laugh. Didn't want to wake up the birthday girl, after all.
The oldest of the farmers glared at the two, Parker for scolding him and Bennet for... being Bennet. What the hell was so hard about baking a damn yellow cake? Probably nothing if it were just Parker or even him and Sanders but Bennet... Bennet was banned from the kitchen 364 days of the year, this day was going to be baking hell.
"Come on, guys. Let's just work on getting along, okay? Then we can get some sleep." Parker smiled. As frustrated as he was with his "sister husbands," he was optimistic they'd have plenty good results with their wife's birthday treat... That is, until he opened the refrigerator.
"Um... Where are the eggs?"
"The Pete was hungry from all the field work and made omelets as an after dinner snack."
"You what!?"
"Omelets? As in more than one?" Sanders blinked. He knew the guy could eat but one omelet was plenty enough especially for a guy Bennet's size.
"Well duh, the Pete knows my grammars! I was hungry, okay?"
"Senpai, you know you're not allowed in the kitchen!!"
"Relax. The Pete's the best cook in the universe. You're just jealous 'cause they were pretty damn goo-..." Bennet clutched his mouth with one hand and stomach with the other, running off to the bathroom before he could finish his argument and making some... less than pretty noises.
"Heh, nice going, Fatso." Sanders commented, prompting a disappointed glare from Parker. "What?"
"We're going to have to get some more eggs now... What grocery store is open past one?"
"There's a late night store that just opened nearby, I think. Not sure why they think they'd get much business here, though."
"Great! How about you go while I get the rest of the batter ready? Could you pick up some applesauce too? I don't think there'll be any left after the cake's made."
"Oka-- Wait why do I have to pick up the damn eggs? Why can't Mr. 'The Pete Makes Great Omelets' pick them up? He's the one who used the last of them?"
"Senpai is in no state--" A flush was heard from the bathroom, only to be followed by more loud retching noises. Parker winced and continued. "... to be shopping now. You do it, sensei."
"Fine." Sanders huffed, heading out the door to do some shopping.
...
The bright store lights hurt his eyes after coming in from the dark night scenery only lit by the moon and a few stars here and there. The greeter at the door smiled and waved, he wanted to scowl and snatch the basket from her but he was too tired to do much else than say "Thank you," and accept the shopping basket graciously. It wasn't fair, he thought, that he had to be the one shopping. And who the hell used applesauce in a cake? Why not follow the damn directions and use oil like everyone else? Almost as strange as a chocolate cake made with mayonnaise like in Bennet's tales of a place called... "Portable's," he'd say, probably not what it was really called, knowing him, though.
He picked up the eggs and the applesauce as he was told, nothing really special. But what was that in the distance? A... free sample table? For coffee? Mother of caffeine, he needed a good wake-up. He rushed to the table, quickly picking up his sample.
"Careful, sir. It's hot." The employee warned.
"I will, I will." Sanders downed the hot beverage. Ack! It had burned his tongue and his mouth. He needed to quickly check out the items and get the heck home. Before the employee could offer help, he had already dashed away to the checkout line.
"A meeb pu peck bees oup pwes." He requested, his tongue hanging out of his mouth to cool.
"Wha?" The woman at the register was confused. Was the man's tongue swollen? What happened? "Are you alright, sir?"
"Yeah, A byus..." She blocked out the rest of his explanation, he was pointing to the sample table. Oh goddess, was he going to sue?
She quickly grabbed the phone, despite Sanders's arm waving and unintelligible protests, calling a hospital.
"Yes, I need some paramedics right away! I think this man in line is having a severe allergic reaction to one of our sample items! Send help immediately!" She gave the location in a panic. The rest of that horrible misconception earned Sanders a few laughs from the professionals and a free ride home.
Parker and Bennet were there to greet him, with Bennet having a string around him like a necklace attached to a bucket. He looked sort of like a pack mule.
"Sorry guys. I got the eggs! Sara and the kids are still asleep, right?"
"Like babies." Parker reassured.
"Um... Bennet? What the hell is that?" He stared down at the bucket.
"The Pete says I feel way better and I don't need it, but apron-tits says otherwise."
"Better safe than sorry. Let's get inside."
...
"Cake mix?"
"Cake mix!"
"Butter?"
"Butter!"
"Water?"
"Water!"
"Applesauce?"
"Applesauce!"
"Eggs?"
"Eggs!"
It was like a scene in a medical drama, Parker calling out the ingredients with the other two taking turns on handing them over. Baking cakes was as serious business as surgery to Parker, after all, not so much for Bennet or Sanders. Parker yawned as he began to mix the ingredients all together.
"The Pete wants to lick the bowl and the beaters!!"
"No way, Fatso, you're gonna hurl and make a waste of it!"
"Nuh-uh, the Pete feels better now, honest!"
"Then why the hell do you have that stupid bucket by your side?"
"'Cause Parker said--"
"Enough!" Parker snapped, shutting off the mixer. Tiredness had taken his toll and he was not taking their fighting at 2 in the morning. "I just wanted for us to make this cake together for Sara's birthday! Why can't you two..." He hiccuped, tears welling. "Just... Just get along? Please?"
Bennet stared at the floor, both he and Sanders felt awfully guilty.
"You're right, shorty." Sanders agreed, Bennet nodding with them.
"Let's do this!" Bennet cheered.
And with that, they were actually getting along for once, taking turns mixing and pouring together to put the cake in the oven. Once it was out, they all took a break, nodding off before they could frost it.
...
The kitchen in the morning was quite the sight for Sara and the twins. All three Petes sleeping on the mess that was once the kitchen floor. Adam and Tina giggled; it certainly wasn't everyday Dad, Daddy, and Papa were sleeping on the floor together, Dad wasn't even allowed in the kitchen, they thought.
"Petes? You okay?"
Bennet and Sanders woke with a start, both stretching, feeling sore from their 'bed' that night. Parker, however, was out like a light.
"Yeah." Bennet yawned. "We were..." He stretched some more. "Makin' a birthday cake for ya!"
Sara looked over to the bucket on a string, which had been taken off by Bennet and rolled to the other side of the room, thankfully empty and unused.
"Don't ask." Sanders chimed in.
Sara laughed. "You really didn't have to do that if it made you so sleepy."
"But it's your birthday, Sar."
"Yeah! The Pete knows a lady's birthday is really important!"
"Well, let's just let you guys get some slee--"
"Oh no! The cake hasn't been decorated!" Parker bolted up in worry, prompting concern from his family.
"Papa, you were sleepin'!" Adam laughed.
"You have some applesauce on your face, too." Tina was quick to point that out.
"I-I was?"
"Yeah," Sara kissed him, then the other two Petes, followed by the twins on the cheek. "You all three worked so hard. You should get some sleep. The floor doesn't look that satisfying a bed."
"B-But Sar," Parker protested. "We haven't made the cake look nice yet!"
"It looks perfectly nice, Shortie. Besides, the twins made some great cupcakes for us with Bigbee's help yesterday." She smiled, the three went through such a great effort just for her, she was touched.
"Nuh-uh, Mom! We made 'em all by ourselves!" Adam whined, tugging at Sara's hand.
"Now, now. You two go play while your daddies go get the sleep they need, can't have these three falling asleep while eating cupcakes, right?"
"Right!" The twins agreed in unison, a little disappointed the Petes couldn't play with them, but they complied and ran off to their room to play "Barbie vs G.I. Joe an' then they get married an' smash up cars!"
"Come on now," Sara smiled, escorting her husbands to their room. "Thank you so, so much." She closed the door behind her, blowing a kiss before she allowed her three favorite boys to get some sleep.
