#v. personal

[prideofkazim]

Please pray for me. 

Tomorrow’s my birthday and it’ll be the first family event where I’m gonna wear the hijab. First time wearing in front of my bigoted family members. I know this will pass.....but I’m really nervous. 

[sailingaugust]

Just one of those strange nights.

[sailingaugust]

+

+ I am not active on here like I used to be, but if you have been reading this mess for a few years or you talk to me, I wanted to tell you that I am in a much better place now than I was even a year ago today. There are some hiccups and bumps here and there, but I honestly am living a much more authentic life. I haven’t written like I used to in about two years and while I do miss it, I feel a bit more at peace with myself. There are moments where I want to share my life on here, but I don’t really know who reads this, but if by some chance you do just know that I am embracing loneliness and it doesn’t have to mean you can’t be happy. 

[bandofchimeras]

this is pathetic as fuck but i desparately wanted to see our first conversations, so i went through this whole process of downloading facebook data, and then when i open the file - it turns out Facebook only saved from two years ago precisely. so the precious first several months of our talking is just...gone. and furthermore, like the pathetic person i am, i looked at my friends list to see when exactly he first added me.....

yeah. there’s no record of us ever being friends. not a trace there. he’s not even in the extensive “removed friends” list.

and for some reason this makes me terribly sad. 

its weird how we trust externalized forms of memory to keep a record for us. i thought social media was forever, bad or good as that may be. its not. 

nothing is forever. and this is the strangest separation i’ve ever felt.  i keep thinking about touching and holding, and it seems foreign. like i can’t even imagine it any more. who were those bodies? who were those people?

[sailingaugust]

I am learning the power of silence. Keeping your aspirations quiet and keep everyone guessing. 

[sailingaugust]

x

22:41 I know you're tired of me writing this and reading this (if I do) and I am too. I am so tired of constantly crying about why I can't find genuine friends. I'm always someone's back-up and plus one and third-wheel. My Saturday nights are always the same. No one takes the time to even ask if I want to go out. No one takes the time to know me. I know that I'm a good person and a great friend and fun, but I'm just tired of being so lonely. I'm so exhausted of always having to be my own friend. I'm tired. I really am.

[sailingaugust]

shoutout to the people who ignore me, never text or call me, but ask why we never hangout or talk. i don't wish you ill, but the moment i glo up, please lose my number.

[sailingaugust]

hard work can pay off

These last few weeks have been difficult and this week has been a bit rough, but today was a sign that I'm doing something right. I had an evaluation for work and I didn't get the highest, but I had a solid evaluation. One of the people that I worked for pulled me aside and we talked about my de-brief. He isn't someone who is easily impressed, but he said that I impressed him and that I have all the qualities of a standout sailor which also means I can't stay stagnant. There isn't a lot of support for certain things that I am striving for, but I have the supportive of the people that I work for. I know that I am a hard worker and today was the reminder that I needed and that I really got something to offer if I keep at it.