#v. shield agent

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@agntgrntwrd

Apart from obvious times when she couldn't escape his presence because in a public area, and in which she hadn't been able to avoid glaring or making little comments in his direction, Jemma had managed to stay away from Ward. Which was good, because she honestly didn't know how to feel about him anymore. Truthfully, some of the last times in which they had been around each other, she had been silent and either scowling or distracted but not because of him; her life had gone pretty much to hell, she had broken Fitz's heart while trying to stop hurting him. A mistake after the other, and she wasn't really part of the team anymore. Funny how Ward was fighting so hard to change that, while she of all the people had accepted her place. Not that she wouldn't do anything to make things better for her friends, to keep them safe, but the only help that was working was the one she gave 'in the field', undercover or not, while her attempts to talk to Fitz didn't work and she had no idea of what to say to others - and wanted to talk about her problems even less. There was too much to say and no words, and being comforted by Skye didn't feel fair, she hadn't earned that kind of peace for now, so she kept to herself even when invited to have a beer in the break room, and denied anything was wrong.

Ward, however, was an odd case, not part of the innocent friends she was protecting, not truly the enemy because he had let Fitz's words get to him, he had denied to be a nazi and believe in Hydra's nonsense but he had clearly been loyal to John Garrett in a more personal way, and he had tried to stop the pod from being tossed out, so he was a weird grey area - was she a grey area to the team? probably. Just in a different way. But Ward himself was someone she didn't really know, he had been undercover, fake personality and all, and he had had the heart to kill Koenig, which she wanted to stab him in the throat for just to see how he felt about it, but he also hadn't had the heart to hurt Fitz - she doubted she had caused any particular internal turmoil - and he was trying, both things appreciated greatly by Jemma. She had gotten distracted again with those thoughts, but to be fair it wasn't like she could do much more, she had gotten pretty banged up earlier against the enemy, thankfully backed up by Bobbi who had to keep going, and Ward had showed up after that with Mack. Mack had hesitated on following Bobbi. "It's fine, I can stay with Ward. If he does anything wrong, I'll shoot him." Bobbi gave her a look, somewhere between affection, humor and exasperation. It was a bit of an empty threat, there had been enough occasions for her to do it but she had never done anything. "Can you say that less eagerly?" "No." "Ward, we are taking the flashdrive to the computers upstair. Keep people from getting to the control room." Jemma wiped blood from her forehead, lifting a pipe from the ground and, having seen the reflection of someone coming on an unconscious man's helmet, slamming it against a new enemy's knees just as he arrived; he fell on the ground and she iced him. "You two keep people from getting to the control room," Bobbi corrected herself, "But be careful, you are injured." Mack and Bobbi gave Ward another look, obviously not sure of how to behave around him either, and left them alone. Jemma leaned against the wall, grimacing from the pain, and looked back at Ward.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

Unbreakable

@lovelornrocketscientist

There was a part of her that thought that of course they would fix this, nothing could stop her and Fitz from being together; Deke had confirmed it, Fitz was going to be a good father. After the end of the world, though, so she wasn't sure if that meant he had come back to the way he was before due to the situation and that would change if the broke the loop, or if she wasn't meant to change him, or maybe to accept everything he did now even when it felt disturbing, and then there would be no need for it anymore because they wouldn't have to make hard choices.

There was a part of her that thought in sickness and in health meant that obviously she'd support him through this; he heard voices, saw things, had been able to ignore Daisy's pleas and program a robot to shoot, using a side of him that was very much real, even if it wasn't a manifestation of fears. That meant he was sick, and she wanted to help him. But how was she supposed to do that? Therapy? Tahiti? Some kind of hypnosis? And even if it was possible, she couldn't do it, nor force him to go through therapy if he didn't want it, if he thought he was fine. She didn't have that power. Unless she was supposed to force him, some sort of brainwashing to make him forget? After all, they had agreed that the end could justify the means, and it would save him, them, and even the world if she could keep Fitz stable and not let the Doctor side out, which would endanger everyone. But she didn't want to force him to do anything. She never wanted to force her team to do anything they couldn't do, she had spent too long trying to keep them safe, dirtying her hands, to suddenly be okay with them doing it. She was also not in the best conditions to support anyone all by herself for too long, she hadn't even began to process what had happened to her, and wasn't sure of for how long she could repress it.

And a part of her thought that she had married Fitz believing it was the same Fitz from before, meanwhile he had known he was different, and he should have told her. He should have told her he felt the Doctor still there, and that he could agree with him on some points. Let her choose if she felt comfortable with that. After all, even if she didn't talk about it, he remembered what the Doctor had done, between torturing Daisy and shooting her and saying those horrible words, he had to know she wasn't okay with him. To let that side out willingly, even if it was an attempt to save the world, wasn't something he should have done without considering she might have a problem with it; he shouldn't have married her, been intimate with her, knowing the Doctor was a side of him that could take over again. What would have happened if he had had some kind of breakdown earlier, and she had been the one alone with him, was it possible that his memories could have gotten blurry and he could have hurt her? Or maybe she was reading it wrong.

And a part of her thought that whether she wanted to be with him or not, she had no idea of how to be his wife and help him out if she was afraid of him and what he could do. She had seen Daisy, not only during the act but after, and thinking of her friend strapped to a bed against her will, begging for him to stop and now unable to trust Fitz, made her stomach turn. It reminded her of torture, of her completely lack of voice when it came to Kasius too, and that had been one of Fitz's choices. Sick or actually becoming that man, the result was still someone she didn't know, someone who made impossible for her to meet Daisy's eyes after she had agreed with him. If she had made a move to keep her friend from getting tortured, she might have gotten a bullet in her leg like Mack.   A bullet to the leg, which could be more than a little dangerous as it was depending on the spot hit, and they couldn't go to a hospital, the only two able to take care of it would be her and Fitz-- and there was the pregnancy to worry about. The pregnancy she wasn't sure was even going the way it should, and she was no expert. She wasn't even sure if the fact that she hadn't gained weight at all was still in the realm of normal or what, and she was afraid to check.

She wanted Fitz to say that it hadn't been him, that he regretted it all, that he had had a nervous breakdown, or that it was the rift's fault, and go back to being the man who didn't want to kill unless he really had to, the man who would never lay a finger on a friend no matter what, even if the world was in danger, that he would find another way. A Fitz who would talk to her, and then maybe they'd all try to share some of the weight he had to carry, make him take care of himself better too, sleep, eat. But he had already said that was him, he took responsibility, he didn't regret it because it was the right thing to do. She was trying to believe it, but in the past, when she had felt that way, she had been able to justify it better, to look at people right in the eye. Now she wanted to disappear. Hadn’t Ward thought he was doing the right thing too, fighting for Garrett even if it meant hurting them and other good people? Or was she the Ward there, lost without Fitz, choosing to be by his side because she loved him even if it meant turning their backs to the team?  Would Fitz have tortured her if necessary to save the world? He hadn’t been willing to let Ward and Giyera kill her, or keep going with the torture, to keep it safe. Did that mean he had changed that much? Or would he have still stopped hurting her? And if he stopped, did that mean he realized it was something horrible to do to a person but was willing to do it to everyone else? Or that the world wasn’t worth hurting her, but was worth hurting everyone else? Questions she might not be able to ask him, she had no idea of how he’d take them, what he’d do of them.  

When she stopped near Fitz’s cell, though, all she could think of was that she loved him, that she wanted to tell him everything was alright and that she would never leave him, that they'd figure a way out of it if only he agreed that they couldn't keep doing that. She wanted to get away from SHIELD too, raise their child together. But that thought wasn't as happy as it would have been before this whole mess. Because she was too afraid of waking up one day and find the Doctor's stare instead of his loving eyes. She couldn't be a good friend to Daisy and be completely on her side, she couldn't be a decent wife and love all of him including that dark side, because she was too afraid for herself and her baby, she couldn't even be a stable person who took a clear stand.

Pale and with puffed eyes that not even makeup could hide, she didn't know if she was allowed to get in his cell, or if that might upset him, and stayed at the window. She didn't know what to expect anymore.

“I'm sorry I didn't come to see you earlier.” It was ten o'clock, but she hadn't been able to get out of bed sooner. “I was... thinking. About everything. How are you feeling today?” 

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@@unaugmentedmonkeyscantfly 

Jemma felt like the wife of a criminal convicted for life when she got ready for the day and visited Fitz first. She had been up all night of course, feeling sick and terrified. Facing a Fitz who was the Doctor as well had been something she couldn't process, still, if she wanted to avoid panicking, but she was clear-headed enough to know Daisy shouldn't have been put through that. There were other ways, several, to try before then, all involving Daisy's consent. Problem was, she couldn't imagine being without Fitz. She didn't know what to do. "How are you doing?" Jemma asked, voice nasal from all the crying.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@assistantdirectorhill

She had just returned from a 'trip' on the field and was about to go for another one when the quinjet arrived, but there were enough incompetent agents there that she only heard Maria Hill was there when she was less than ten feet from the lab. Jemma was giving orders and simultaneously treating a wound when she turned to look at the door and saw the other woman - last time it had been a brief encounter right after the fall of SHIELD and rise of Hydra - who was either coming to talk to her or Mace. "Agent Hill," she welcomed her with a nod, "Agent Cho, get me my backpack, put another gun in it too." "Do you need help with the-ugh, God, okay, no," Joe looked away because she had just put a stitch on her own side, and then a second one to close to small but deep cut there, before he scurried to get the backpack. Jemma pushed her shirt down and grabbed her jacket, "Agent Hill, are you here for me or director Mace? The Zephyr isn't going back to base yet, we have a... quick issue left to fix."

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@magnitudetwelve

After their return from the future, Jemma had been unable to be close to Fitz without flinching, and same went for Mack and Coulson. Deke was a stranger, she'd have stayed far from him either way. So much for her and Fitz being engaged. Elena and Daisy's face weren't connected to any violence, to being hunted down, to memories of herself killing someone with their faces, so it was easier around them as well as around May, whose LMD hadn't hurt them. But it was Daisy the one who had been with her for the worst, even if she had missed most of the things that had happened with Kasius. And Jemma had started clinging to her. She didn't mean to, but even while she kept encouraging the others, she always ended up orbiting around her friend, kept glancing at her to make sure she'd be in the room. Kept smiling and giving people hope too, pretending she wasn't falling apart, until the day Daisy had opened a box of food with a loud noise and Jemma had thrown the knife she was using to open her box at her, and had then stared in horror as it thankfully stabbed a bag of supplies there.  “Daisy...”

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@immortallionheart

Jemma had noticed she had changed in a whole new - odd- way, but even so it wasn't something she had been able to change. She had become too clingy with Skye, always choosing to stand closer to her than others, always trying to be in her same room, sometimes even falling asleep in one of the few break rooms when Skye stayed in one to work at one of her computers, because her body was exhausted and even an armchair or a couch felt heavenly. She was lucky Skye hadn't shrugged her off yet, because she needed that time spent together, she was the only person who knew about the real devastation brought by the LMDs, and the one beside Fitz who seemed to have grasped how disgusting it had been to serve Kasius as a slave. In her case, one he used for her prettiness too. Fitz had also understood, though he was obviously worried for her. But Jemma hadn't been able to explain all her issues to him, the panic, how weak she had felt, let alone the memory of stabbing his LMD, because telling Fitz any of that would only add to all the guilt he carried.

So she had tried to do her best to be healthy, eat even when not hungry, drink water, not throw herself into danger with missions, and hoped her mind would also recover faster that way. It hadn't, and when Skye had come back from a mission needing medical she had almost panicked there and then. She hated that she still had that inhibitor in her neck, that she couldn't defend herself like she had always done. The whole Destroyer of Worlds story was bullshit.

Eyes narrowed but not a word, she threated her wounds, wondering if Skye could tell how shaky she was. Thankfully she didn't need stitches because that wouldn't have ended well. "You need to be more careful..." It was a plea, and she instinctively brushed Skye's long hair, almost a motherly instinct - which was rich considering she hadn't done any protecting in a long time. She was the one being treated with gloves because this close to a breakdown. Unfairly too, because Skye had been through far more horrible things and there she was, still fighting, still standing. But then, Skye had always been stronger than her. Jemma retreated back into her silence, hating that even without Kasius' orders speaking didn't feel natural anymore, not when she risked crying every time she opened her mouth.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

@melinda-q-may

Jemma hadn't wanted to see anyone after the implant had gone on again. Except for Fitz, of course, who was studying it and trying to find a fix. Now she could hear again, but it kept going on and off and people had started to carry something to write on just in case. It wasn't going that bad, but that day, when the silence had started again, she had almost slapped Fitz for touching her arm before she had seen who it was, and the guilt had made her leave. But May needed meds and so she came out of her room, some noise in her ear but not entirely covering the sounds from the world around her, and sadly aware she did look like she had cried her eyes out but couldn't wait hours before helping May. So she came to see the other woman – who was stuck in bed again while they were fighting the bad wound that had gone untreated too long – and tried not to meet her eyes, as if that could help. “I can't hear well,” she only announced at hopefully a normal volume of voice, and sat down to check if everything was alright with injury and bandage before she could give her the rest.  She felt so lost, and bad memories kept her from even finding refuge in Fitz's arms, just like she couldn't put more weight on Daisy's shoulders with everything she was dealing with. And May, she wanted to fix May, but she also wanted to hug May because she had been so scared for her, and still was, but that would have been difficult even if she hadn't been disoriented by the ear implant.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

Evening Treats

@lovelornrocketscientist

She spent her time on the backseat of her taxi complaining with Fitz over the phone about how boring the afternoon had been - an attempt to join a 'girls night' with other scientists there, which clearly hadn't worked and that she had escaped before it was even dinner time - and had admitted to be a bit 'disappointed' in herself for not being able to blend in. Which of course prompted Fitz to be the most lovely man on the planet and suggest getting the chocolate cookies that she had been eyeing just that morning now that the supermarket was still open, after she had reasoned herself into buying healthier ones. After letting him know that he was the most amazing person she had ever met as a way to say yes, she got home with a lighter heart, deciding she'd eat healthier the next day to make up for the amount of cookies and sprinkled donuts - what she had bought before making the call - that she'd eat as comfort food.

Which led her be sitting on her very comfortable couch with Fitz, plate with her portion of cookies on her lap, legs crossed since she was wearing a tight dress that wouldn't allow her to sit in a more relaxed way, and Paranormal Activity playing so she'd have a laugh while she was enjoying her treat. Licking her fingers, she had the feeling Fitz was looking in her direction but then ignored it, focusing on taking a bite of her donut and moaning in approval at the mix, "You have to try them together," she told him, before bringing her eyes back on the movie.

She ate another cookie, noticed a sprinkle had fallen over her cleavage, thankfully not slipping down her dress, so she reached for it with two fingers and brought it back in her mouth, sucking the chocolate off her fingers. The arm she had against Fitz's body was still, not bothering him in the slightest, so when he asked “Do you have to eat it like that?” in a weird tone she threw him a surprised look, glancing down between them and then at her plate. Her fingers slipped out her mouth with a small sound while she did, and when she looked at the melting cookies it clicked what he had meant, that there was something vaguely sexual about it, eyebrows shooting up. Which was, really, the last thing she could have ever expected Fitz to think about. Not with her. "Maybe," she answered a bit coyly, buying time because still processing, and then decided to not focus too much on thinking, for once, just because she was in a very good mood, break a cookie in a half and bring it to her lips, sucking off some of the chocolate first while still holding in her fingers, and then letting it slip in to briefly chew the rest; she licked her lips, keeping her eyes on him with curiosity and a bit of challenge as she gave one stroke to her bottom one with her index finger, the tip smeared with chocolate.

It was Fitz. What was he doing to do? Get more scandalized? She very much doubted he'd respond in a typical non-platonic way to it, given who she was, and didn't let herself analyze thoughts on how she'd have felt if he saw her as an actual woman, so it was nothing but an innocent experiment. Sort of. She absolutely wasn’t flirting with Fitz. It was the dress and heels that gave her more confidence and made her playful, that was all. So yeah: ‘maybe. What are you going to do about that?’