Dec 25, 2022
Source: Tatsuya Tanaka on Instagram
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Source: Tatsuya Tanaka on Instagram
So, it turns out Vader is Santa Claus ...
Now that we know the true identity of Santa Claus, we've been able to use our journalistic skills to unearth several more never-before-heard details about Father Christmas. We've got several myths to dispel, as well as some shit didn't even know was a thing. Here's the real deal on Vader Claus.
Everyone knows it defies the laws of physics that a guy could ride a sleigh around the whole world, hitting everyone's house in a single night, even accounting for the fact that he skips the heathens and farms out most of that work to elves. Well, now we know that he doesn't actually ride a sleigh, he simply moonsaults from house to house! Problem solved. The reindeer myth was started when a reporter visited the North Pole and saw Vader's barn full of reindeer just before he slaughtered and ate them all.
You might wonder how a fat guy could get down a chimney without getting stuck. Have you seen how hard a Vader Bomb hits a prone opponent? Well, most chimney's don't survive.
That old story about St. Nicholas giving gifts to the poor is true, in a sense. In the 4th Century, when Vader was living in Greece, he was very generous with gifts ... of violence! Free beat-downs for all! Woof! It's Vader time!
Originally, Vader Claus wore green, but because of all those beatdowns, his outfit always ended up covered in red by the end of the night. So at some point in the 6th Century he decided to just start wearing red.
Oh, also, as you may have guessed from the fact that he was alive in 4th century Greece, Vader Claus is an immortal Highlander.
Vader Claus only gives gifts to people who love America. Unless he thinks they're gay. Then he beats them with his sack (of gifts!).
Vader Claus grew that famous white beard of his to hide herpes.
No such thing as a lump of coal. That's bullshit. Or rather, bull shit. And sometimes when there's a shortage of bull shit, (like during World War II, when everyone was being real naughty) dog shit.
Vader Claus came up with the name for Black Friday. He picked the name because it's his least favorite day of the year, so he named it after the color of his least favorite Power Ranger.
Written by David B. Free & Adam World Peace