#valpersonal

[echoes-lost]

I haven't been active lately and that's because I've deleted all fun apps from my phone.

I was getting annoyed at the amount of time I spent on my phone - and the example it set for my girls. Needless to say I've been bored, but also I've been reading, playing video games, spending quality time with my girls instead. It's good.

I check in once in a while on desktop but mostly I'm staying away from scrollable apps and websites.

Once in a while, I get the urge to share something on tumblr. I write it down in my notebook instead.

I dyed my hair red again, after what, 2 years of natural brown. I feel even more like myself.

I've been playing Warhammer 40k : Darktide with Nic. There's something very relaxing about shooting and smashing through hordes of mutants and heretics.

Baby is a bit grumpy, with her teeth coming in but she's still a ray of sunshine, she smiles and laughs so much.

The toddler is growing beautifully. She's fun and stubborn, she needs her space and alone time but is also so good at sharing and making sure everyone has their turn.

That's pretty much it. Hope you guys are doing well :)

[echoes-lost]

Daycare is closed this week.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mom. I'm just so tired all the time. Victoria is sad because I cannot give her as much of my undivided attention as she would like. They get more screen time than they should and the house is a mess... I keep telling myself it's normal but, as much as it might come as a surprise, I'm a perfectionist. I'm also a first-born daughter.

I love my tiny little 8 months old but I'm looking forward to this fall, when she goes to daycare and (fingers crossed) sleeps through the night.

Both kids are napping right now and I'm venting on tumblr instead of doing something fun or productive...scratch that, littlest one is awake.

[echoes-lost]

It’s so weird to me how much I love being a mom and how it’s such a huge important part of my life.

Growing up, I didn’t like kids. I HATED babysitting, I was a bitch to my youngest sister because she was 5 years younger. I’m sensitive to loud noises and had very little patience for screaming toddlers.

As an adult, I became more neutral toward children, didn’t especially enjoy being around them but hey, they’re super important and still learning how to human. I thought I might have some, if I found the right partner but otherwise wasn’t big on it.

Nic was the right partner, I knew he would be an amazing, loving dad, he’s very family-oriented so, we made a baby.

I was scared to lose myself in motherhood, to become Mom instead of Val. I also never fully connected with being a ‘woman’ so there were some worries about pregnancy and all that stuff.

The irony. I love being Mom, I truly grew and found myself in that role. I still don’t quite feel ‘woman’ but I 100% identify with Mother. Being able to bring life into this world feels like such a blessing and privilege.

I’m am deeply in love with my little Viya, and I cannot wait to meet Number Two, I am looking forward to those sweet, awful newborn days, with that little bundle of love and poop attached to my boobs.

I know it’s not for everyone, but I love the slowly evolving routine parenthood brings... :)

And right now Viya is at daycare and I should be working, not introspecting. GOODBYE.

[echoes-lost]

Sorry for oversharing but

I’m feeling so PMS-y today. I’m tired, no energy, can’t be bothered to talk to anyone. I’m just a sleepy blob. 

And I’m actually waiting for my period to see if I’m pregnant or not, Nic and I are trying for another little goblin so there’s that anxiety mixed in with the monthly sadness/low energy. 

I think I’ll ask Nic’s mom if she can watch Vi and let me borrow her car to get a bubble tea... I need some liquid happiness. 

I also need a haircut lol. 

[echoes-lost]

So I got a cute dollar store sketchbook the other day, to motivate myself to draw a bit more. And I’ve already filled a few pages but...It’s been so long, like I’m in this limbo where I don’t know what I want to create, but I know it’s not what’s appearing on the page. My sketchbook looks the same as it did 5 years ago and it displeases me greatly.

Part of me would like to do something different...Videography, painting...something else..but with Vi requiring most of my time, space and attention... I don’t know how to navigate that...We got a babysitter who will come take care of Vi Tuesdays 8 to 1 starting next week. This will give me more free time however the deal is I have to work during that time, at least enough to cover that babysitting. I don’t want to wait until V starts school to have a life of my own but the reality is I’m a stay at home mom, that’s the choice I made. 

Meh. Just venting. 

She’s sleeping right now, I could be doing something during that time but I’m complaining online instead :)

[echoes-lost]

Big Oof.

Had a strong bout of DepressionTM this weekend. Not surprising considering it’s that time of the month and I’m not talking about moon phases. 

Doing better now, a lot better actually, it’s always shocking the contrast between depression fueled PMS and the surge of energy and motivation I have when the red gates open. 

I mean, I just booked a dentist appointment for Vi, and another one for my warts. Hand warts. I feel like the word ‘wart’ has such a big negative connotation when it’s just a benign skin ailment.

I also started reading Iron Widow yesterday and I’m already 1/3 of the way done. It’s really good, and so refreshing to read something from a different cultural background, and a protagonist who isn’t nice and perfect.  

Oh! And the bookcases I ordered have arrived and I’m super excited to build them and finally have a place to store my books :D

[echoes-lost]

Back from our little weekend getaway. It was such a lovely trip :) Nic’s uncle recently acquired a chalet near a lake, with a private beach. 

Victoria was an absolute angel, she didn’t mind the 3 hour drive, nor the night away from home. She was delighted to meet lots of new people. As for Nic and I, we really needed a little break from our routine. I feel refreshed and he got time to think about his Warcraft guild situation. Sadly the guild he is the leader of is falling apart despite his best efforts :(

[echoes-lost]

So uh, I’ve been feeling quite depressed these past few days...I can’t put my finger on why..I suppose it’s an accumulation of little things. Either way, I feel like crap, I don’t want to talk to anyone, or do anything really. 

I’ve been working on my Animal Crossing island, making good progress there...I got myself some skin care/hair care stuff, including a curling iron. I think I’ll shower and do my hair later...that’ll perk me up.

Ugh I hate feeling like that.