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'What Now? I'm Going To Have My Cake And Eat It' - Tom Barnaby, Midsomer Murders

'She was very, very fat. She spread outwards and towered upwards. At least a quarter of her height seemed to be accounted for by her hair, which was a rigid pagoda-like structure: a landscape of peaks and waves, whorls and curls ending in a sharp point like an inverted ice cream cone. It was the colour of butterscotch instant whip.'

I'm shocked it's taken me such a long time to read any of the Midsomer Murders books. For a long time I didn't even realise there were books, the show being such an institution that it overshadowed all else. On the back of my copy of The Killings At Badger's Drift it says 'One of the CWA Top 100 Crime Novels of All Time'. I pondered what CWA meant. In Leicester CWA is a 'creative thinking' agency (whatever that could possibly be). College of West Anglia? Apparently it's the Crime Writers' Association. Well...great! If it was me running the show it would be at the very top. I have never been so enamoured with a book before. I had made a note on several pages before the end of the first chapter, which is a very good sign indeed. For me it was a connection. Caroline Graham writes like me. She's far superior, obviously, since she is actually a writer, but I couldn't escape the short sentences. I was always told at school not to use short sentences. Brackets and commas are the enemy and you just need to press on with the sentence, give it both barrels. But that's not who I am, that's not how I speak. I often cut myself short to go on a tangent that can only be illustrated with brackets when writing it down (god knows how people keep up with me when I am actually speaking to them. At least three sentences spring from my original sentence and end up far removed the point). She often starts writing a character's thoughts without telling you, and it's not until you're halfway through that you realise it's all in their mind and not part of their external world at all. It's brilliant! Finding someone that has written like this, who has been successful writing like this, brings me great joy. I have no ambitions to be a writer or to do anything with this newsletter other than to write it for myself (I'm so glad you all read it, I really am, but I do this for me first of all. I must do something and this is it), but finding someone else that makes me believe I am allowed to write as I want to is the best feeling in the world.

'You're a good boy,' she crooned, kissing him full on the mouth. Her breath was very sweet, a soft explosion of violet cachous and cream and rich vanilla. 'Mummysbestboy.' Her fingers slipped into his shirt, caressing the bony wings of his shoulder blades. 'Bestestonlyboy.'

I wanted to create a recipe for Barnaby first of all, since he is the main event, but when I started reading The Killings At Badger's Drift I was pacing around the room with excitement thinking about The Rainbirds. Obviously I had seen them portrayed so brilliantly by Richard Cant and Elizabeth Spriggs and loved them then, but reading Barnaby's first encounter with this repulsive duo really set me going. How ghoulishly fascinating they are. Dennis, a pale foppish undertaker, and Iris, a preened oppressive mass of a person. Barnaby thinks they would fit very well into a Joe Orton play and I can completely see that. As the quote above shows, their relationship as mother and son is not quite the usual. I'd quite like to put them behind glass at a museum and watch them, watch their eyes twinkling with conspiracy. When Barnaby and Troy meet them at their home, Dennis Rainbird wheels out a trolley 'built along the lines of the altarpiece at the Brompton Oratory', piled high with sandwiches and cakes. The sandwiches are cut into playing card shapes, which brings out their characters so well (marmite hearts, potted meat diamonds...). Poor Troy is handed a vanilla slice, which Dennis notes he isn't enjoying very much. 'Press him to a frangipane, then' is Iris Rainbird's response. I just love them hideously. They take so much care over their presentation, and they love every minute of it. I had to make the vanilla slice that Sergeant Troy has so much trouble with. It's slightly fiddly, this one, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. I've made it easier by using shop bought puff pastry, but I do feel The Rainbirds will be able to tell the difference! There will be a bit of wastage of the pastry here but I found myself snacking on this while the custard cooled, so I'm sure you'll be alright.

For the pastry: 2x sheets ready rolled all butter puff pastry some icing sugar, about 1-2 tbsp flaked almonds For the custard: 150ml double cream 650ml full fat milk 3 large egg yolks 100g caster sugar 1 tbsp vanilla bean paste 3 tbsp cornflour 3 tbsp custard powder Preheat the over 200C/180 fan/Gas 6. Fully line a 23cm square cake tin with baking parchment. To prepare the pastry, roll one sheet out onto a baking tray lined with parchment paper. Sprinkle the sheet with icing sugar so there's an even coating and sprinkle with flaked almonds. To prevent the pastry from rising too much, cover it with another sheet of parchment and another baking tray. If you have any baking beans or rice pour that into the tray to make sure it's well held down (puff pastry is very stubborn). Bake this in the oven for 25-30 minutes until the layer is dark in colour. Repeat this process with the second sheet of pastry to get your top layer, but leave out the ground almonds for this one. Peel the parchment off the sheets of cooked pastry. When cooled, trim each pastry slice to fit a 23cm square cake tin and place one sheet of pastry into the bottom of the tin. Set this aside while you make the custard. To make the custard, heat the vanilla, cream and milk on low until it comes to a gently boil. Remove it from the heat temporarily while you whisk together the egg yolks, cornflour, custard powder and sugar. Whisk until everything is combined but don't go over the top. We don't need to add any air to it. Pour a small amount of the hot milk onto the egg mixture and whisk continuously to bring it all together, then slowly add more of the milk until everything is mixed together. Put this back onto the heat and stir continuously until the mixture has thickened. It will naturally come to a boil but try to keep the heat fairly low so it doesn't burn the bottom of the pan. If you wish you can pass the custard through a sieve into a clean bowl to remove any lumps. Press some clingfilm onto the top of the custard to prevent a skin forming, then leave it to cool fully. Once the custard is cooled pour it over the pastry base in the tin and smooth over the top. Using a ruler, neatly cut the top layer into even slices. I cut mine to roughly 3.5cm. Unfortunately there isn't a great way of doing it evenly because of the tin sizes here. We've got 20cm, 23cm, 25cm etc so it's never quite even but do your best. Lay these slices on top of the custard and put everything into the fridge to chill for several hours. Chop the custard slices and serve, preferably on a rickety old tea trolley.