#vanja talks

[padawhatskywalker]

My anxiety is keeping me awake atm. It’s almost 4 am. I’m just really anxious bc I’ve been home w my parents for the holidays and I’m going back to my student aptment on Monday and the anxiousness is partly bc I don’t wanna go back bc I hate the place (but I love my school so I have to) and partly bc im so scared that I will get back and something will have gone wrong during the time I’ve been away and that’s freaking me out bad FUCK

[padawhatskywalker]

Briefly returning to say that I’m about to see ep IX wish me luck

[padawhatskywalker]

Life update

(I don’t even know if I have active followers)

Soo I’m v busy with a one year musical theatre school, which is amazing and I’m having so much fun and have met so many awesome people.

My mental health has improved by quite a lot, My anxiety isn’t as bad as I used to be a year ago and a lot of improvement have happened these past four months at the school. So I made a good choice with that. (Also I’m finally actively trying to get better and have more motivation bc I’m doing something I genuinely enjoy every day sooo)

Other than that I’m applying for a more thorough education in musical theatre for after summer, I’ll have to go audition within the next 3 months so that’s gonna be fun.

I’ve been back home for the holidays and gotten the Star Wars cravings. So I have a high urge to watch the movies again and I’m on my annual reread of Re-Entry, Re:JotW, In a Lonely Place, Letters, On Ebon Wings, etc

So yeah life is keeping me busy but If I’m gonna be active I will post on @anescapistatheart

[vanjawritesstuff]

Silence stretching

Wind wailing through

I can’t hear you

So far

Yet

Here at last

Louder, softer

Cries and guffaws

Can you hear

Or do you shout

Hours upon hours

The silence stretches

Yet there’s a wail

A laugh

Hysterical yet sweet

Loud yet quiet

Here, yet gone

Where, what, who

Are we real?

[padawhatskywalker]

Traveling makes my anxiety go haywire. Pls help.

[padawhatskywalker]

On our way to Gran Canaria atm. Just flew to Gatwick. And now we have to wait until 7 pm before the next plain departs. It's 12 pm. And my phone has shit Internet. I'm upset.

[padawhatskywalker]

I take singing lessons, and today was a sort of concert thingy and I sang a song, and I thought it went well. My dad recorded it and my family is all like 'you were so good!!!!' But I sound fucking terrible??? I kinda wanna cry. Mom posted the vid on Facebook (I managed to convince her not to tag me in it) and I kinda wanna hide in a corner bc it's so awful. Like seriously, it starts alright but just gets worse. I'm not on pitch, I fuck up the rhythm of the song, and my voice cracks and also the ending was the worst part of it all. I kinda don't ever wanna sing again. (At least when people are around) I'm just gonna go to bed and try to forget. Or just cry.

[padawhatskywalker]

Sooo... preparation for tomorrow's exam.. I'm not even the tiniest bit nervous??? I'm confused.