Dec 19, 2013
Sometimes I think I have my sexuality under control. You know, until I have another one of those romance/sex dreams where I'm swapping genders every five minutes and the sex is generally taking place in the vicinity of something strange and violent (which, spoiler alert, is all of my romance/sex dreams).
#vast simplification#and I ain't no psychologist#but I have just the slightest feeling that it is indicative of feelings about my sexuality and gender that I can't comprehend or touch#while conscious#or even realize are there really#idk#ALSO I DON'T WANT TO DREAM ABOUT THIS BOY ANYMORE#HE'S A FAMILY FRIEND I HAVEN'T MET WHO I'VE BEEN TOLD ABOUT FOR A YEAR#AND WHO THEY WANT TO SET ME UP WITH#AND I'M LIKE BORDERLINE IN LOVE WITH HIM ON PAPER#I KNOW THAT SOUNDS DUMB BUT I AM LITERALLY MORE FOND OF THE COLLECTION OF THINGS I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM THAN I#AM OF ANY GUY I'VE KNOWN IN PERSON.... IDK EVER?#I would say I'm not losing sleep over it but I've totally lost sleep over it before#don't they know that you aren't supposed to offer up a seemingly ideal boy she keeps missing her opportunity to meet to a 21-year-old writer#don't they know that despite her better judgment she will inevitably latch onto the idea#and start thinking about how narratively beautiful it would be if they got together#but that even more powerfully than that she just loves his family so much that she wants them to be hers#that aside from her parents they are the first people she sees at the airport when she comes home after 4 months#and she knows that love isn't princes and castles#it's the feeling she gets when she's with his family#and that one of the few things she legitimately and deeply wants in life is to be around them#and that if he's what they say he is#and if he fits into that picture#GOD IDK I NEED TO GO GET READY FOR THE DAY I CAN'T DO THIS