Friends don't just sleep in the same bed, holding hands and having almost zero space between them. Do they? Am I just overreacting? The first time it happened I was like okay we are both drunk and tired and cold and who gives a fuck. We are literally just sleeping in the same bed, nothing else. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nope, not even if we are holding hands, no no that's just because it's cold right? And when he pulled me closer to him well again that room was really cold and the blanket was really short and...... I have no excuses. Not solid ones. It's not like something bad happened but something that bothers me and I can't stop thinking about it. It's just I do like him but.. No. I won't write down why but just no. And it happened again. We weren't drunk this time. Just tired. So I honestly don't know what to make of it. Should I just ignore it happened? I mean it is nothing, I know. But it is, I believe, not common to happen between two people that are only friends. But I felt so safe, it felt okay just cuddling and idk It's not like I would like to talk about that because what the fuck would I even say? Like does he even care? Is he aware of how I feel towards him? That those two times we fell asleep my heart was beating so fast I could not think of anything else and I couldn't even sleep because I didn't want to miss a single moment and I didn't want to do anything stupid and I wanted to leave but I wanted to stay. And I wanted to be closer but I wanted him to be further away from me. And I felt scared but safe at the same time. So it's like this on going contradiction in my mind that I cannot ignore. I know that I have to tell someone but who?? Definitely not my mom. She actually told me a few months ago that she thought he liked me and vice versa and I was like no no we are just friends and as a matter of fact I believe he sees me as the little sister he never had and my mom was just like okaaaay if you say so. Btw I already sort of liked him back then but I wasn't that sure and ofc I had already had suspicions of him liking me even from the start but I tried dismissing them because I was even more hurt back then and I just went on full on denial. So if I'm not going to tell my mom I have absolutely no one left. Maybe I do but no one I feel comfortable sharing all of this. I cannot keep on repressing it tho because it will only grow even if I don't want it to. I still have some other shit I haven't said from that previous relationship and it still hurts, you see how fucked up I am? I like this friend but one experience that left me scared and broken from my previous relationship won't let me move on. And it's very likely it will stay that way if I don't share my some what traumatic experience with someone. I will dramatically change topics here. I saw my ex at the store a week ago and after he left I felt all weak and shit. And most people may think it's because I'm not over him and I still miss him and blah blah but the only thought that came into my mind right after he left and I felt that overwhelming feeling in my chest was that particular moment that I repressed and denied and dismissed so that is when I confirmed the reason why I felt like that. Because if I hadn't gotten over him I wouldn't be feeling like this for this friend. Or at least that's what I would like to believe. Like can you be hurt from a previous relationship (that happened long time ago) yet fall in love with someone entirely new? So going back into the original topic. The other uhm thingy is that I'm not physically attracted to this friend, just like emotionally and intellectually attracted. So that is one of the main reasons I haven't told him anything. Because imagine how shitty it would be to tell him ah yes I like you but uhm not physically you know like oops I can't control that haha can I? I've heard many times that physical appearance is not everything. I agree with that. But it is part of the initial attraction or whatevs. Like if I didn't like him when we started hanging out it was because of that (oh and as I mentioned later I was still heartbroken and shit) but then it just became so fucking obvious that part of me did like him despite not finding him attractive and that's when it all went to hell. Jk, I was just being dramatic, as usual. But yeah when I realised that I did actually like him I just went to this ignore him mode so this feelings won't grow and he doesn't notice. But ofc, as I already had sort of anticipated, that didn't work. And it didn't because of that day. The day we went to our friend's house to celebrate his birthday. Then everyone left and I had already told this friend if I could stay the night in his apartment because it would be easier and safer for me to get back to my house in the morning. But I didn't know HE was staying. I only thought it was going to be me and the friend who lives there in different beds (as he had already told me), and a bigger blanket hahahaha okay that's irrelevant. So to sum things up I got drunk because we started playing stupid drinking games and so when I get drunk I have meltdowns like I cry uncontrollably and then go to the bathroom to puke and then bash out all my feelings to anyone near me. (It's really sad that this is already a patron like I've gotten drunk 4 times and I think they all ended up with me crying or just feeling completely numb). So anyways he was there to uhm calm me down or who knows and so I can remember a few moments. On this particular moment I was telling him to tell me a story to distract me from my toxic thoughts and so, completely out of the blue, he grabbed my hand and kissed it, I seriously have no fucking idea why, he then proceeded to tell me about his dog being sick and him having to take him to the vet every now and then. Oh and some other moment we were already laying on the bed and I was continuing telling him how shitty and alone and stupid I felt and he started to tell me stuff like I was by far one of the smartest and most capable person he had ever met and that he was amazed by my intelligence or something like that when he met bc he recalled that I already have an idea of some things people with my age and knowledge and opportunities don't and theeeen, again it was out of the blue and I have no fucking idea why he mentioned it (probs because he was also drunk hahaha), he mentioned that he had liked me since we met. Okay more specifically he said something along the words "why do you think I always wanted to hang out with you?" To which I stupidly replied what I had also told my mother "because I am like the little sis you never had" he then proceeded to chuckle and answered "do you really think that? Wait don't answer. Just to make it clear, it was definitely not because of that. It was because I had already developed a crush since the first days we had started talking" and then I have absolutely idea what happened because my stupid ass mind decided to only remember that. Oh and I also remember puking and him being by my side, how disappointing, embarrassing and disgusting, let's pray he doesn't remember that. The second and so very fucking last time we fell asleep was some days ago and that day I actually decided not to drink because I was already feeling shitty and vulnerable and blahhhh I know myself, with just one beer I would have at least teared up a little and I def didn't want that. So btw this party or reunion or whatever was again at this friend's apartment and I again told him if I could stay because honestly it was less safe going back on my own or even if they gave me a ride I would have said no bc of the recent shooting. Anywaaaaays so like 20 people or so went to the "after" at this friend's apartment after the biology's posada. And so I hadn't even spoken to him like literally in the posada I only talked to him like three times, but I am used to that, we barely even talk when his friends and my friends are around which is 80% of times we see each other. Okay so I assumed he was going to the after because he is really close friends with the guy of the apartment and bc well alcohol. But I also assumed he wasn't going to stay bc the last time he said he hasn't planned to and blah blah. Ahhhhh I forgot to mention that the first time I stayed the night there and blah I overheard, in my drunkenness state and all, that he was staying over so he could look after me, awwwwwe how sweet, not. Sooooo after almost everyone left, with just like 5 guys (one had already fallen asleep on the couch and another one was already sleeping in one of the beds) we all started getting sleepy and cold and talking about life and it's destiny and Pink Floyd and the music we can't hear unless you get high (which I haven't and I will never). Then the cliche moment happened where he borrowed me his jacket because I was cold, I know I know. I accepted it bc I was cold (duh) and bc I didn't want to be rude. So after that (like around 6am) I couldn't stay awake anymore so I kind of leaned in his arm and started falling asleep to the music they were playing and their deep talks. After awhile he said we should all just go to sleep (oh and I forgot one of the guys left and the one in the couch woke up) but the other 3 guys wanted to continue talking about music and life and stuff so yeah that's basically how we ended falling asleep on the same bed, but this time with a bigger blanket hahaha ah gee, but it was still cold bc the day was cloudy and overall his room is really cold so uhm yeah cuddling. We only slept like 2 hours or so bc well my mom told me she could pick me up at 9-10am and also bc the friend who lives there entered his room to wake us and to go breakfast somewhere near there. So something that also uhm kind of added another reason of why I haven't told this to anyone and why I haven't spoken to him about it is the fact that he withdraw his arm that was around me the second he heard our friend was coming, like okaaaaay. That same friend already knew we had fallen asleep together that last time so why do that? Yisuuuus I should just not care. But I can't because I actually do like him. Well, I won't be seeing him for a while so there's that. There's also the fact that he will be in one of my classes so let's hope it won't be awkward. Honestly if he decides to just simply ignore it and ignore me I'm fine with that bc that means I won't have to deal with it and that's literally what I do as well. So for now ignoring the fact it happened and that I can't stop thinking about it is what I'm going to do until I can think of someone who could help me sort this out and that knows both of us, okay no that's asking for too much. I'll figure it out. In the meantime I will continue talking to him but without letting him know I like him. And definitely not staying the night at this friend's apartment if he is also staying. So yeah that's it. Me overreacting and making drama where there isn't.
