#vent---

[asimplechaos]

honestly i feel very conflicted whenever i get a,, i guess craving to interact with certain people

like especially if we haven’t for a while and they seem to be doing their own things and the longer it is the more awkward it would feel for me to barge in again

and like the reason we don’t talk can be a lot of things! not necessarily bad things either. i’m busy, they’re busy, life events happen

but i guess i care too much about other people to really be selfish or clingy

like when i have a moment when i’m overreacting about something or know i’m complaining for no real reason, i say beforehand ‘i’m taking a moment to be selfish’ because i know i’m really in no place to adequately complain about whatever, but i still want my feelings acknowledged

but again, i care too much about people to fall into really bad behaviors, even stuff that doesn’t directly involve others, like self-harm or anything else reckless and dangerous

so like when i want to talk to somebody i haven’t in a while, i kind of trick myself into thinking they’re fine without me and have kind of forgotten i’ve existed, so barging back in is rude and clingy and an inconvenience to them

honestly it’s gotten to the point i believe it’s the truth with a few of my friends

quite a few of them

i’ve maybe slipped one or two messages in their chat box and then vanished, and they just never responded, either busy or they forgot or whatever or maybe they just went ‘oh it’s them. whatever’

and i’m

fine with that

......................

there are probably going to be some people who feel this is specifically about Them but it’s not. it’s about a LOT of friends. it happens a lot for lots of reasons, like, maybe we only had a few things in common so we only have maybe one or two high-energy conversations once in a while and then leave it at that

but

i don’t want to feel like me talking like this is some backhanded way of saying ‘hey why aren’t you answering me’

it’s not and it’s fine and i KNOW people have other things to do and i’m not the most important person in the world but

y’know, mental illness is a bitch

so sometimes i just have to babble about this

anyway, that’s my minor problem before the big trip. probably going to be getting ready later today and tomorrow so idk how much i’ll be able to talk. 

if you read this far could you please like the post so i’ll know....

[asimplechaos]

COPY THAT, COPYCAT

[asimplechaos]

In the backyard,

Buried deep underneath the tree

There's a monster

Taking root in the property

[pikkunatinalatina]

miks mun äiti ei vois jättää mua rauhaan, mä en kaipaa sen huomiota ja tätä myötä mä kohta estän sen näkemästä mun postauksia sosiaalisessa mediassa, kun jatkuvasti inttää “kuka toi on? mistä tunsit sen? ketä meet auttaa? meetkö nyt jo raaheen? miten tietokone toimii?? uli uli”  vittu alkaa hermot mennä ton naisen kanssa, mua alkaa ahistaa vaa enemmän jos puhun sen kaa koska vitun traumat 

[asimplechaos]

i’m a fuck up

i’ve only slept for 2 two-hour periods in the last 36, nd i can’t fucking go to sleep, even with the lights off and being still for a while

i told dad about it and he said it might be because of my diet and exercise and frankly he’s probably fucking right

i just sit in bed all day and barely do anything

i eat a bunch of sugars and meats and other bullshit that isn’t good for me

i want to be able to fix this but because of my stupid fucking brain i just can’t. i can’t handle multiple levels of things and i decided before i do anything with my life i want to see somebody about my autism/mental illness

BUT BECAUSE OF MY SHIT SITUATION IN LIFE I CAN’T DO ANY OF THAT UNTIL MY PARENTS HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MY FUCKING BROTHER AND I!!! I’M JUST STUCK HERE WAITING TRYING TO SURVIVE ON MY FUCKING OWN

I HATE IT

AT THIS RATE SOMETHING DSERIOUS MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME AND ONLY THEN WILL MY PARENTS FUCKING PAY ATTENTION AND GIVE ME THE HELP I NEED

I’VE ALWAYS HAD TO PUT MY PROBLEMS ASIDE BECAUSE MY SIBLINGS WERE THE MAIN FOCUS.

NOW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF BECAUSE I ALWAYS WENT ‘OH IT’S NOT OF ANY IMPORTANCE, MY SIBLINGS ARE THE MAIN ISSUE RIGHT NOW’ SO I JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

[asimplechaos]

i keep seeing shapes in the dark

getting reminded the world’s fucked

fearing everyone’s gonna backstab me at some point

feeling i don’t really matter

it’s a rough time, no question.

[asimplechaos]

gonna copy/paste a small rant of sorts i wrote on FB because why not

i've been doing this shutdown thing for years, and i'm surprised my parents haven't caught on yet, even after we all agreed i was autistic

when they loom over me, waiting for a response i know i'm not gonna be able to get out, it just makes me feel worse

it isn't that i'm afraid or don't know what to say--i just physically can't. the words won't leave my mouth, so i'm stuck there, like i statue

but no, they still keep saying stuff like 'i can wait'

i'm 18, a month from being 19, and i shouldn't have to be putting up with this crap. i should be treated with respect and like an adult, even if they are my parents.

asking 'you wanna talk about it' and letting me opt out with a 'no' or 'i'm fine' even when i have tears streaming down my face is much better than initiating an interrogation regardless

because news flash: sometimes even when i know i'm in the wrong, i still have my personal moments of selfishness. i sort my feelings out on my own and don't need to be bothered any further. sometimes i have to smack myself on the wrist and say 'you're really not in any position to throw a fit about this so shut up'

and then i see the issue as done and i don't want to be bothered about it any further.

i guess what i'm trying to say here is i wish my parents would realize i'm pretty damn self-aware?? i'm not a kid anymore. if i say 'i'm fine' or that i don't want to be touched, i want my words to be respected.