Recent events with work and how I interact with people have inspired and forced me to do some reflecting about myself. I look back at my time with the community fondly but I have had some moments that I am not to pleased with. I am a vindictive person. I don't wear this with a badge of honor but I won't hide that fact about myself. If I feel fucked over and hurt I will and did make a point to hurt that person just the same. I was cruel and I ment to be. I regret that deeply. Nothing on this app, no conversation or actuons should have ever made me so obsessively cruel to Ceci.
I was transphobic taking his no longer going by She after getting a slew of misogynistic and just hurtful attacks on his character for unnecessary reasons as his reason for going by he and they primarily. Ignorances at its finest. I have apologized to him about this and for being cruel regarding his mixed raced and background. Growing up dealing with abuse and colorism as a black women with darker skin, darker skin then my sister and parents, has put a bit of a damper on my empathy for my lighter skinned counterparts opinions and experiences with racism to a degree. I'm not unempathetic to the racism they experience. I am very aware what's its like to be the only black person in a room. I noticed the microagression my poc cousins deal with on a daily in this social climate. I am and, really was at this point, unempathetic to how being dismissive of someone race(s), especially in these environments hurts. How much that can hurt deeply. I joked(claimed) often about about how Ceci was white and on retrospect it was cruel especially knowing his life and experiences with his own blood.
Its cruel and I was intending it to be feeling vindicated because of my feeling about corpse and their racist behavior. I never learned why Yoonie never condemned them properly and was too upset at the time to properly have that conversation. it was simply not wanting to add on to the transphobic and potentially dangerous harassment corpse was faceing from lolcow along with the fact he him self was dealing with the scary threat of someone trying to hurt him with his personal information.
The dude was doxxed very recently and in such a creepy way. I just didn't really grasp how scary this was because I wasn't in his situation. You can say what you would've done in that situation, but you're not in it. I am truly sorry, man, for adding to that level of stress and anxiety to you life during such a difficult time. You didn't deserve to deal with that. I never realized how much I actually was affecting you. I condone people telling you to off yourself thinking the worst of you not fulling grasping the whole picture because I was just unmedicated, and the engagement, rewards feedback of those conversations were enjoyable. It's ridiculous how much you ignore or misinterpret because you're angry and feel vindicated that someone else holds the same view. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm working towards not letting my emotions drive my actions, especially online. I have caught myself writing a rant and then stopping because I miss read something because I was giddy to see someone I personally just didn't like to get shit on. It feels incredibly hypocritical of me express this with my most recent post calling out gloomie and saturn supporter as I was friendly with them and I truely do still feel a way about them with the way we ended things. I'm a personality that's a bit difficult at times because I have no impulse control sometimes. I gotta tell you my opinion even if it isn't the right space.
I am condemning Tian for engaging in the conversation of calling Yoonie a Coon. You are a Latino Chinese man and had no place being in that conversation giggle with me and another black person who had personal ties to Ceci. Your issues with him was solely on you being upset that he found you creepy because of the type of posts you make. You sat in their discord and waited for the chat to to mention you to get upset. You were lurking and negging for this to happen. This is what happened and I enabled it. I shouldn't have let you engage with in that conversation and I truly think you need to get over people finding that fact you reference some underage hentai in your cc thumbnail. It's weird, it point to you engaging with underage porn and people have the right to be uncomfortable. I won't really forget you taking this ad for an anime sex game or something like that, with a very obvious underage girl, like middle school. She was flat chested and very tiny and in a freakin full bathing suit like she was at school in a weirdly sexual postion and being told no I dont see the issues because I had a freind who was looked at as a child for being flat chested and short. Mind Tian is 21 and I assume this was well before I met him so this was probably an actual teenager saying this. And this was consigned by his friends as well. It was a weird thing i pushed down and shut up ahoutm To stay on topic. Ceci, @yooniesim . I am sorry for how cruel I was to you over the years and continously opening that wound and engaging with any negative opinions about you publicly that were completely unnecessary and adding to the stalking and abuse you had to deal with in the aftermath of corspes exposure on my end. I regret that very much. I never want to be so cruel with no real justification outside of my own warped perspective. I hope you continue to thrive and prosper, man.