tired and awake.
@grimoircs / san & milo, apex rehearsal -- korea.
san gets it, the concept. throwing them altogether and shaking them around, hoping they’ll concoct some witch’s brew capable of brainwashing more fans. but he’s not sure, exactly, whether or not he hates it. it’s different, this time. different than what spark was for him. he doesn’t like thinking about spark, especially in the earlier days. and this group settles differently when they all meet together the first time. when he’s the most senior in the room this time. he wonders whether or not that respect is feigned. part of him thinks it might be.
and then there’s milo. who he knows and doesn’t all at once. he’s back even further, past spark and their debut. when they were too young and un-styled. gangly-limbed things sinking too much time into practice. not that he ever broke that habit. they’d been inseparable once, glued at the hip. and then they weren’t. san thrust into a spotlight and milo finding a new company, and then new success. san’s happy for him. he wonders if he likes it, sometimes. the same way he wonders about what he likes himself. late at night with too many thoughts crammed up in his head. only sometimes do they feel like his own.
and now they’re back together, some augmented version of reality where they really debuted together. almost. not quite. because spark still happens, and now there’s this thin layer or something nearly-awkward about it all. even if they have drifted back into each other’s lives before this. made amends, or whatever it is. san’s different now though than before, in the same way he’s sure milo’s different too. how can they still be the same people as they were back then?
but aside from a company-mate san never got particularly close too, milo’s the only one he really knows, so he sticks close to him during their practices. they’ve both been touring nonstop, or at least, that’s how it seems. he wonders if milo feels as weary as he does. he wonders a lot of things about milo lately, but he can’t seem to pry his mouth open and actually ask him. instead, he reaches around and kneads the heel of his hand between milo’s shoulder blades when he complains of a cramp in the middle of practice. “how do you think the fans will take it when they finally announce it?” san wonders aloud. it seems to come out of nowhere, but it’s been another thought similarly circling him like a vulture this past week, picking away at his brain.