Aug 12, 2015
please send help because im so anxious
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please send help because im so anxious
screams i wish i could sTOP COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE ELSE on everything and b happy for a minute omg
Pitäisköhän mun puhuu jollekulle ammattilaiselle kun melkein kaikki mun ystävistä on jossain kohtaa ajatellut etten piittaa niistä enkä oo itse huomannut tekeväni jotain väärin ennen kun mulle sanotaan siitä
(Toisaalta oon aika varma et kuvittelen vaan ongelmani ja et oon vaan paska ihminen)
I feel like I waste the time of my tutors and everyone else's too rip me
r.i.p me i should never have pursued arts lmao
i think the possiblity of me starting studies in UK next month is getting very real possibility. if i filled out the papers correctly, i'll have an apartment for me there ready, and if my pearson english test results were sent correctly too, all there is left is getting the loan for the tuition fees.
and i'm at the same time feeling so nervous and sad and panicky that i kind of want to jump out of the window and stop EVERYTHING because?? ill be all alone there far away from everyone i love and?? flying?? and studying what if im so much worse than others?? what if i cant make it what if i dont graduate? and the 10k euros loan in addition the loan the goverment provides for me, what if i cant pay it back ever?
10k FOR ONE YEAR and theres two more years ill have to get loan for if i make it through the first year?
and what if i lose the few friends i still have while im there? even if most of my friends are URL friends, but still, i'm nervous and
at one moment i really regret doing all this shit for the chance to study what i want and the other im hopeful and eager and i jus tca NT
mmh.
im sorry i promised id keep these posts on the vent blog but i feel absolutely miserable. I'll never get it right and I have time only until middle of august or something. And I don't think I even deserve to get it cleared after failing so many times. You can't say its about luck or nerves anymore, I'm just that much worse than everyone else and I'm not sure I can take it. I dont want to be such a stupid failure but theres nothing to deny that anymore