and baby come on. {self para}.
Deep breaths, in and out, every second or so filled with the thick intoxicating feel of cigarette smoke. Violet made her way out to the roof, a simple and free place she could be alone. "But I am alone, always." She said out loud, she hated talking to herself but sometimes it was just good to hear a voice. She didn't mean to feel so alone, or even put herself in that position, she knows she should be out there more. Talk more, just exist more. "I don't know how..." A faint whisper made it's way out of her mouth, and a soft tear rolled down her check. How can a fucking ghost be so fucking sad? More questions to herself, she always did that, question herself.
Am I good enough? Am I here? Am I there? Does he love me? Do I love him? Are we even real?
More questions she just couldn't answer, well except for one. "Do I love him?" The words tasted bitter and she kicked herself mentally for even thinking it. "Of course I do. I--" She trailed off, her thoughts burying into her mind. Of course, more reassurance, more self-doubt, more tears. No one ever has realised just how unstable Vi is. Though she brings it on herself. Most of the time she puts up her front of a confident, foul mouthed, fierce little girl. But what she really is, is an insecure, though still foul mouthed frightened and self-belittling little girl. Her hands shook, for some reason she was nervous, it was times like these she really needed Tate, she relied on him, much more than she should have. But she didn't move, didn't cry out. All she could do was sit there, smoke, cry and listen to her iPod full blast. Little Death, by Plus 44. There was something about Mark Hoppus' voice, that was just soothing to Violet.
Fall asleep with the windows open Come to me with the worst you've said and done You'll close your eyes and see me A little death makes life more meaningful I stand no chance at all.
More bullshit rang through her head and she just turned it up louder. She saw everything, heard everything, her mother, her father, Tate. The affair, her self-harm, her self hatred was still there, she still hates herself, even now. When they were alive, it all racked her brain. Even in death the house made her go crazy. Then it finally hit her, the sound of her voice, and Tate's. I love you, but I can't forgive you. You know I used to think you were like me, you were attracted to the darkness. But Tate, you are the darkness. Go away, Tate. GO AWAY! Violet clenched her eyes shut, feeling the pull, the weight of the world on her shoulders. She couldn't handle it anymore. If she were alive, this would be the time that she killed herself.
This was Violet at her most vulnerable, she was upset, scared, in love, all she is is Violet. And sometimes it feels like, like people just expect me to be this strong person, and I just can't... I'm-- I was, only human. Now I don't know what I am... A ghost of my former-self? But I'm still me. I'm me, like I always was and will be. People just don't see that I really, am, weak. That I have faults and fucking fuck! Back to being inside her own head, she liked it better that way. No one got to see just how she felt, how vulnerable she really was. Not even Tate really ever got to see her that way. Violet even scared herself when she was like this, actually feeling something. At least she did, when she was alive. Now that she was dead, everything was worse. "Curiouser and Curiouser." She whispered to herself, not even she could tell what was going on inside her head, most of the time she didn't even know what she felt.