Alright Bugsy, you know what to do (:<
Fairmount gets Spitroasted - 18+
Features: Fairmount, Northstar, Octantis Warnings: Fairmount gets blueballed
He feels so smart. Oh so smart.
Getting the two Habits who hate each other most, who try to kill each other on sight, who would rather split the Earth in half than share the same air, in the same room and sandwiching him? It’s his proudest achievement. He’s just the luckiest idiot in the world right now, all it took was a little goading and comparing the Habits to each other, and now he’s got the two ready to bone him just to prove that clearly, they’re the superior Habit!
Sitting in his mattress nest, he’s watching the pair squabble. Bringing them to his iteration was the only way to make sure neither had the upper hand and it showed.
“Hey, soooo… Are you two just gonna argue or…?” He tilted his head, ponytail falling to the side. “I’m getting really bored sitting here, might have to pick a different Habit as the winner y’know.”
Octantis glanced over, squinting a bit at the little rodent voice reaching his half-frozen mind. Was he talking to him? No, surely he wasn’t that stupid to talk to him like this. Surely he was mishearing him. “No. You will not be doing that.”
“Absolutely not,” Northstar spoke at the same time as Octantis, earning a glare. This was the only thing they could agree on. “I just think you should consider that Octantis can’t get it up. That makes me superior.”
Octantis would have blinked, he would have given Northstar an ‘Are you for real right now’, but since his eyelids are stuck open, he settles on just giving him a death stare. “You are… Sorely mistaken. I do not blame you for that, having your brain fried must be making you stupid.”
He returned that death stare and folded his arms over his chest, unamused and unreactive. After a brief pause, he sighed through his nose and spit out, “Maybe you haven’t thawed out enough to remember this, but your brain isn’t in your arm. You should consider doing warmups before you try to insult someone because you’re just embarrassing yourself.”
He would have lunged at Northstar, would have ripped his stupid face off, but he is a guest in this iteration, and there is another Habit present. Have to stay composed for the metaphorical camera. “You are a sad excuse for a Habit, prancing around playing house. You expect me to think you’re superior when you can’t even eat a child? I doubt you can even ‘eat’ your wife.” He scoffed.
Northstar bared his teeth at him in a sickened smile with a dark look to his eyes, “at least I have a wife. How’s it feel to sit alone in the cold all day freezing to death accomplishing nothing? You call yourself a Habit but I see no difference between you and a statue.”
“Hey, uhm, can we get to the fucking part instead of the fucking each other up part? You two aren’t being very good guests and if that keeps up, then I’m gonna stop being such a nice host.” Fairmount huffed, hopping up and standing between them in an effort to prevent the impending fight. Looking up at Northstar, he gave him the biggest puppy eyes he could manage. “C’mon, you were so, so nice to me before, was that all bullshit? Am I just gonna have to thaw out Octantis?”
Northstar pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine. I’ll be the bigger person and play nice.”
“Bigger person? Ha!” Octantis barked out a rattling laugh, poking Northstar’s side. “Finally, we agree on something. You could stand to lose some-” “Say it and I break you.” “Break me? Oh you’ve gotten much funnier in our time apart.”
Fairmount let out a frustrated whine, shaking his head. “Come on! Look- I’m bored, I’m getting blue-balled, if you two don’t calm the fuck down, I’m gonna lose my mind here!”
“...” “Very well.”
He blinked as the pair finally seemed to be focused on him, breaking into a big, dumb smile. “Wait, for real? We finally gonna do it?”
He let out a victorious little squeal when he was pulled onto Northstar’s lap, Octantis cupping his chin with a painfully cold grip. Finally. It’s finally happening. He’s finally gonna get spitroasted by the two biggest Habits he knows. Finally!
Closing his eyes, he let himself be positioned on his hands and knees, practically vibrating with excitement…
And then he woke up.
Yeah, figures it was a dream, those two couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as each other. Groaning in frustration, he buried his face back into his pillow. “Fuckin’ bullshit…”