latches onto him lmao
returning affection rarely shown towards him was difficult, if anything, it was something he didn’t wish - it wans’t necessary. thus whenever his partner ( for each other were the only source they had for support ) would push him against their own frame. he wouldn’t reject it norwould he dodge it but a silent acceptance of contanct would be his response before deciding it was time to distant himself again, using the work his focus was usually directed to when this happened as an excuse. this, certainly, would be to not have moments of weakness - for he didn’t trust his will and were he to melt down the barriers he had painstakingly built in the warmth of the other’s arms and weak he’d become.
yet itis all thrown apart for one can only isolate their emotions so much. for one can only endure for themselves so much until someone else, someone beloved to them, is involved in the same risk. SELF-SACRIFICE FOR A GREATER GOOD. A GREATER CAUSE.
for he was worn to be shaped as a tool, to live and to die as one. for he was never worth of the crown he had so foolishly aimed for. for he, who had seen the raw and the cruel - lived the despair and the carnage, was fated to live as nothing else but a simple soldier that would die in the battlefield and return to the dust he was made from. ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST ; o’ lord, why hast thou forsaken us? left us to the claws of the rejected creatures of eden and the fallen seraphims. preys, we are, to the woivd that consumes every fallen soul - every fallen hero.
hence he clings, with every force ofhis being, to the one that willingly joined this path of self-destruction he had damned himself into and became his support, his pillar — lord knos he’d fall appart without him.
fingers clutch into the cloth hanging at their back, forehead falling onto their shoulder. their scent overwhelms him, nose wrinkling slightly at the smell of cigarettes that he had fought to get used to since they were back together. ha ! such a shitty habit his partner had acquired while he was gone. it almost madehim laugh, that he wasn’t there to correct him — if he hadn’t left. his arms now wrap around him, pulling himself closer as a storm of thoughts from the past flood his mind, thunders of predictions of how could it end not for himself but for matt clouding organized trains of thoughts.
if only he had been left to his own devices. if only matt hadn’t stuck with him. if only he hadn’t been so selfish as to not let go.
BLESSED THEM ; who enjoy the privileges of heaven like GODS while we are thrown at the flames of hell. we, condemned to damnation from the day we came to this corrupted earth.
if only he could rip out the words stuck in his throat.
i'm sorry. i'm selfish. i need you. i love you . . . don't die. not for someone like me. i'm not worth it. i love you.