#waallkkeerr

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he’d be nineteen tomorrow.

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it should have been me in front of that goddamned train everyone would be so much happier if it was me no one would even care man like yeah maybe people would notice and be like "oh i wish i knew her better this could have been prevented" bullshit but no one would fall apart, not the way i did with walker, or a lot of people who loved him. it would be easier. i bet he wouldnt even notice. and who could blame him? you can argue all you want, but the fact is, he would not have noticed if it were me in front of that goddamned train. he wouldn't cry every day. he wouldn't force himself to stop caring about everyone. this isn't anything but logic. it should have been me.

[customsweater]

Alright

Who the HELL deleted his blog? WHY would you delete his blog? I dont care if he is gone! I still want to go to his blog! Unless he personally told you to delete his blog YOU HAD NO RIGHT. I would like to pretend that i could still laugh  at his jokes and send him asks. I don't care if he cant answer them and i dont care who is seeing them. I was doing that for me. I miss him too.

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i just want walker back. there's this big hole inside of me because he's gone and i feel so, so cold. i just want walker back.

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I think the worst part is when I start thinking like I used to, like "Wonder when his next hiatus break will be and we can have a quick ask conversation" and it takes me a moment and my heart breaks a little bit more every damn time

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Alright guys I'm gonna go eat a meal for the first time in 41 hours. (I wasn't starving myself, I just couldn't bring myself to eat because he's gone idk it's loss of appetite or something) People are getting concerned so I'm going to force myself to eat because being unhealthy isn't going to make losing him any easier. I'll be back soon.

PS for anyone thinking like "why is she reblogging humorous things if shes soooooooo broken up about it" moping around in my feelings wouldn't help at all; pretending that they're not there and dealing with them later are. Depriving myself of attempted happiness isn't going to help anything. Plus I don't want to disappoint him. If there's anyone I've ever wanted to make proud, it's Walker. And if there is a heaven, and I think there is, then Walker is there right now and if he can see me I don't want him to be sad.

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I can't stop crying. It should have been me. He was supposed to get through this hell and find a beautiful girl who loves him as much as I do and get married and have beautiful children and look back and know that he got through this. We were supposed to meet. We were supposed to video chat. He was supposed to get a teddy bear made by me for Christmas. He was supposed to find happiness. It was supposed to be ME. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME. SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH HELL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HES GONE AND IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME THAT JUMPED IN FRONT OF THAT TRAIN. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME THAT DIED. HE WOULD NEVER EVEN KNOW. ONLY A FEW PEOPLE WOULD EVEN NOTICE. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET PAST THIS. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. Damn it, guys. He was supposed to get through it. He was supposed to see himself the way I do. It should have been me. Oh god, it should have been me.

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I have not cried this hard since, well, ever. I miss you so unbelievably hard, Walker. You were really beautiful and I wish you could have seen yourself the way I did. I wish we could have met. I wish I could have finished your bear and sent it to you this Christmas. I wish... I wish it had been me. You were so loved, so deeply by so many. Especially me. You didn't even know it. But you were always on my mind. I never really understood, and I tried, but I never understood how you hated yourself. You were the sweetest boy. The only one who ever... said the things you did about me. You were the only one who could actually make me feel worth something. Like, "if Walker thinks I'm good enough, I must be good enough." "If Walker says I'm cute, maybe I am cute." It was my biggest dream to meet you someday. How we would see each other and hug so hard because we both made it and we finally met and we would talk for hours about Disney, or Supernatural, or anything at all. Oh, god. We never even got to video chat. I guess these are all just "what ifs..." Because you're gone now. And I wish it was me. I wish like HELL it had been me. But at least you're not stuck here anymore. Rest in peace, sweetie. You definitely deserve it. I hope I see you in heaven someday. Til then, I will never, ever forget you.