I haven't posted on here for awhile because ever time I try it says "oops, something went wrong, try again.' and if I forget to copy and paste what I wrote then I lose everything I wrote. Anyways. I'm leaving for Europe in 3 days. It's insane that I'm going on this trip. I'm extremely physically and mentally ill. It's so brave if people to admit they need help and getting help. Im so bad, I feel like I'm at the end of my life. I'm too tired to even talk to people or maintain a persona. Standing in the line at the grocery store is a chore, I feel weak and shaky and wish I could lay on the ground right there. The slightest inconvenience makes me want to give up entirely. All this technology shit just makes me want to give up, it's too complex for me. I want to love life, I'm trying. But I have to admit to myself that I hate this world, this society. It feels like a nightmare to me. Bravo to people who get help, you are so strong. I've been doing the same methods, the same compulsive behavior over and over thinking that it's going to change me, but it never does. I always think that I did not try the methods hard enough, but tomorrow I will and everything will be good. It never is. I need new methods, a new paradigm. But I'm too addicted to my routine. It's so brave how people humble themselves and go into the unknown and accept other people's advice and accept reality and actually change. I've been addicted to many things but denial is my greatest addiction and the one that will kill me. I can't believe I'm going to travel in this state. It's suicidal. I know what I should do. I should take the money I've saved and go see a doctor, a psychologist, go into a rehab. But I don't have the strength to spend all my money on medical things to arrive completely broke with a bunch of horrifying diagnoses and have to admit reality and give up all my denial and defense mechanisms. I don't think I could survive it. So I'll go on a walk instead like always, imagine myself on a quest, a grand adventure. Christ, I hope I'm not in this state when arrive in France. Maybe some transformation will happen there. I need a paradigm shift, some kind of miracle. They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven. I'm certainly in hell. But maybe I'm not going through it, I'm just sitting in it. If I ever get out of this state I am in and lead a healthy life then I will truly believe in miracles.
