#wankwankwank

[shamingcows]

More ToZX Finale

TBH my biggest and only problem with the entirety of the finale was the genuinely horrible writing.

Did they like grab the worst fanfiction written on earth and decided it was the way to go or what.

[starphishy]

doot do doot

Sister and new husbando are away camping for the weekend so I get the apartment to myself. I’ve already watched three episodes of Game of Thrones and am almost done with s6 now, and next to catch up with Penny dreadful.

And they get to see what I mean about them never having food in the house when they come home to me having eaten everything. I mean it, these guys buy food like a day at a time. It is so weird. They don’t even keep dry goods. With one meal I’ve decimated their pasta supply. They are adulting so badly. 

Oh well, tomorrow I’m going to go adventuring all over. I have a new water bottle and a portable charger, Imma hit up so many pokestops and win my gym back solo. I got this. Heck yeah. I’m THIS close to lvl10 and my top three guys are all have cp over 450. I had such a slow start but I can catch up tomorrow to where I should be by now if I wasn’t hindered by work and strandedness. Not that I don’t like work, I do, but I hate the being stranded and forced inside for 7-10 hour stretches. I can leave when I’m volunteering, but not when I’m actually working. So like, yikes. 

I’m not made for office life, guys. I go stir crazy. And overnights are worse since I’m alone the whole time. They go by pretty quick at least. And I only have two left this summer? I think? Unless I get another shift to cover but I’m pretty booked through August. Imma miss the Coffee Shop, this is a fun place to work. But I’d really rather be Outreach than a Crisis Counselor. 

And yesterday I gave myself a mighty spook. Any time I get an email from FinAid my anxiety skyrockets and I immediately expect the worst. However they were saying I had another award to claim, so that was good, but before I even opened it I was planning my backup for losing my aid. I have a chance at a pretty great full-time spot at the main office if I want to try for it (and my odds would be good at getting it). I like that I have a viable fallback here. No matter how shitty HSU gets in my remaining overtime semesters I have SAY now. No matter how bad it gets I have some semblance of a future in Santa Rosa. I actually have a future now. Wow. 

[starphishy]

What is going on? Can I help in anyway?

Problems with my old roomie. Not a whole lot anyone can do. I really hope her mom can stop being a raging cunt long enough to pay me so I can be done with the lot of them.

[starphishy]

worried wank $$

How did I fucking know this would happen? This is why I didn’t want to go South until I got the money. Fuck. I hate doing this but I’m owed several hundred dollars and I fucking need it and now the person is flat out ignoring me. Although I can tell she’s read my messages, gg V. Like what the fuck man. We agreed on a deadline, I was very lenient with you, and now the deadline has passed and I can’t start working until my fingerprints clear. Which could still be another week or two, who knows. Fuck. C’mon, V. Don’t be like this. Fuck. 

[ferventsammy]

ohmygod the poor Destiel shippers are so upset that Dean wouldn't leave without sam. they are so upset that castiel wasn't in the episode.

they are a bunch of fucking babies whining because Dean will always love sam 10x more than he will ever love cas and its so incredibly hilarious

[starphishy]

I close my eyes only for a moment, and the moment's gone

Eigth grade was not kind to me. I was no longer "friends" with the people who were bullying me and was pretty much friendless and alone.

All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity

It would still be several years until I came to terms with what had been happening to me that summer was sexual assault, and instead of getting help I ended up sinking into a deep depression. 

Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind

I took my pain, anger, and helplessness out on myself. I honestly wished to die and always had suicide at the back of mind. 

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea

It was also my second year in Middle School Choir, and it was all that was keeping me going. Every weekday for 50 minutes I could just be. I didn’t have to talk, didn’t have to pretend... I could just sing and be a vessel for the music flowing through me. 

All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Since then,music (especially singing) has been a huge part of my life. And of all the songs we sang in Middle School, Dust In The Wind was the one that really stuck with me. 

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

Now it’s going on three years since I’ve been in a vocal group. I miss singing, I miss performing, and I miss my trained voice.

Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky

College has not been kind to me. Even though I’ve had friends and family around I’ve felt alone. Instead of getting help I sink into a deep depression

It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy

But I no longer take it out on myself. I know I am worth so much more and that I am not my past. What I’ve been through and who I was are not who I am now.

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind (all we are is dust in the wind)

I still carry the music with me; I still feel it burning within. I might not be able to let it out anymore, but I still get to keep it and know that no matter what the world throws at me I still have a lifeline.

Dust in the wind (everything is dust in the wind), everything is dust in the wind (the wind)

[starphishy]

Happy life stuff but also kinda sad life stuff

Well it starts off sad and then gets happy. For some reason my brain’s decided to relapse like a year’s progress with my mental health this semester. My anxiety has been through the roof, I’m always on edge, my night terrors and insomnia are back, I’m being triggered more than ever.... Just all around bad news bears and I don’t know why but I want it to stop. I’m really trying not to fall under again this semester but it’s all a bit shit right now. At least I have an instructor kinda keeping an eye out for me right now...

Anywho, I’ve started looking into something more serious recently: a service dog. When it got very bad back in 2013 I considered it but never looked further. But now? I’m more stable with money, have a better handle on things, etc. etc. So I’ve been researching getting a PTSD trained Service Companion or at the very least an Emotional Support Companion. Even though I would love to get a cat, one couldn’t support the public help I need. I’ve already sent in a request for more information with an organization but I’m having a hard time finding a PTSD organization that also has civilian accessible PTSD dogs. Like damn man, I even just saw an article on specifically dogs trained for PTSD as a result of sexual assault but they didn’t link any organizations. I thought I hit the jackpot but damn.

So yeah, I’m going to be trying to get a pupper this year. I’m so very excited about this and just yeah. Pupper! Help! Not being terrified in public all the time and actually having round the clock support that I need! And after I graduate? I have a chance at a place that would be perfect to work at and I am so happy I could cry. Things are actually looking like I might have a future and I just hope I can make it to them. I never thought I’d get this far so I’ve never had a backup plan. A career in my actual field post graduation? That I fit perfectly for with my fucky past and problems? A chance at decent insurance so I can get jaw surgery, maybe wrist surgeries, and get on medication? Holy fuck.