#waooow

[bmoviebabylon]

ファントムシータ

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger and the American Dream episode 7 transcript

Title: Correspondence

Hamuel

Dear [static],

There are no seagulls in Idaho. That makes sense, Grace isn't exactly a seaside town, but the first night we moved here, I couldn't sleep for the lack of them. They're not night birds, but back home there always seemed to be at least one circling overhead even in the narrow hours of the morning, lost and confused, screeching occasionally. That about sums up how things have been since you left. I've felt lost and confused, and according to some (those who lack appreciation for my spontaneous avant garde banjo performances) I've been screeching. 

It's flat here, except where it erupts into mountains. Apparently that's because the valley we live in was carved out by lava flow 30,000 years ago. The mountains, farmland and rivers remind me of home a little, but the flatness in between is driving me crazy. Nothing in Aotearoa is that flat. It's a landscape full of emotions, so it doesn't know how to stand still. The plants are all different here as well. The only thing I recognise is grass. Even the sky feels like a different sky. 

Oh, and it snows!

Do you remember the year it snowed, back when we were kids? I sat in the classroom barely listening to the lesson, watching the rain thicken into hail outside. The teacher was assigning our groups short stories to read out of the School Journal (are they still making those? Why am I asking you? How would you know?). Anyway, she was trying her best, but when someone yelled out "it's snowing!" she rushed to the window with the rest of us. It was such a rare occurrence that we all got to go home early - the first and last snow day that I ever thought I'd experience.

It's safe to say the novelty has worn off by now. Snow is extremely annoying. 

Oh, I should backtrack. Why exactly am I sending you a letter from Idaho in the first place? Where even is Idaho? Is it in Boston or California? Those are the two states, right? Witness protection didn't take our "alien kidnapping" claims seriously, so mum took matters into her own hands, packed up our lives into a suitcase and tossed it into the overhead luggage compartment of the next available flight to Anywhere-But-Porirua. It turns out there are a lot of places in the world that aren't Porirua, but the one where we ended up was a potato farm in Idaho.

I said, "but how will you be able to find us when you decide to come back? Shouldn't we have left a note or something?"

And mum said-

Well, it doesn't matter what she said. People say things they don't mean when they're upset. I'm sure if you just come back, she'll be so happy to see you again that whatever argument you had will be entirely forgotten. You're her kid. She has to forgive you. That's how it works. We can all live together peacefully again, and you'll beat me at chess like you used to, and I won't even complain when you win. Just come back!

Sorry.

Idaho isn't all that bad. Mum is homeschooling me now, so I haven't seen that many kids my own age, but that's fine. I didn't like going to school much anyway. I did meet one person, though! Mum really wants me to focus on fitting in with my surroundings and not letting the aliens know we're here, so I'm getting banjo lessons from a real American called Stanley! All Americans know how to play the banjo (and how to lasso a cactus and how to sing the national anthem backwards and how to drive a pickup truck) (mum won't let me in a pickup truck but I'm working on it). Stanley is the coolest! He has long hair and he dresses like Bob Dylan and he plays every instrument in the world, except the oboe. When I mentioned the oboe he got this terrified look in his eye, so I didn't bring it up again. He's only a little bit older than me, but he dropped out of high school to work as an apprentice at an art gallery. His main duties are tasting the paint for lead and going to competitors' shows to shake his head condescendingly at their amateurish employment of colour theory. I want to be just like Stanley!

He helped me take some photos to send you, actually. Here's one of my banjo. I put a bunch of stickers on it. This one says "the place to go is Idaho". This one says "move back to commiefornia". Not entirely sure what that means, but it's shiny!

Here's me! Study it carefully so you remember what I look like. Stanley took this one after I got my hair cut. It's not exactly what I asked the hairdresser for, but you know how it goes. When haircuts are involved, even just escaping with your life is a good outcome.

Stanley doesn't like being photographed, so here's a picture of his shadow. Here's his thumb over the lens. Here's me wearing his hat. Here's a bunch of his art. It's super conceptual and ahead of its time. Sometimes I try and draw too, but it's not as good as his so I usually throw it out. The next day it's always magically uncrumpled and pinned up on his corkboard. Weird.

How is space? Are the aliens friendly? Are you getting enough to eat? I could try and send you some toast. I'm really good at making toast. Can you eat toast on a spaceship or do the crumbs get everywhere? Maybe I shouldn't send you toast. What's the least crumbly food? Soup? You hate soup. You're the only person I know who hates soup. I'm going to send you soup packets until you get so annoyed that you come back to grouch at me. They're all going to be cream of mushroom. That's what you get! 

I don't have a way to send this to you. I think I'll write your name on the envelope and address it to "somewhere, outer space" and hope for the best.

Love, 

[From CF by Tinyfolk:

Where were you all day I wondered

I asked you for your phone number

You told me that you thought I was lame

Found a phonebook and looked up your dad's name]

Dear [static],

They sent back my letter because apparently "outer space" isn't a real address. I said, "yes it is, it's right there!" and I pointed at the sky. They asked me to leave the post office. 

Stanley is really busy these days working on his art school application. He's trying to make a black and white French period drama, but neither of us know French, so we're just making sort of Frenchish noises at the camera and hoping it's seen as commentary on, like, the underfunding of language programmes in schools. 

I've been posting my banjo covers online under the username "Banjo Master 05". Sometimes Stanley jumps in with a sick harmonica solo. He's really good. Mum won't let me have a computer (I'm pretty sure that's your fault, by the way), so I use the ones at the library. The other day I checked and I had, like, 50 views on a video! It was on my banjo parody of Somebody I Used to Know. I called it "Somebody I Used to Banjo". Pretty funny, right? People even leave song requests in the comments sometimes. They keep asking me to cover Party Rock Anthem, but I can't think of a good pun to title it with. Banjo Rock Anthem? Is that lazy? Am I sacrificing my artistic integrity for likes and clicks? Being in showbiz is hard. 

Speaking of difficulty: how am I going to get you this letter? Possible solutions: Hot air balloon. Bottle rocket. Paper aeroplane. Throwing it into the ocean and hoping for the best. I know space isn't technically the ocean, but it's close enough, right? They're both big. And blue. And there's creatures in there… By that logic, I should smash a hole in the window of our neighbour's midnight blue Ford ranger, shove the letter through and hope for the best. Do you think that would work? No, let's be smart about this. If you're trying to get a message to outer space, the only way to do it is via a crop circle. I'm going to make a little circle in the grass and put the letter inside. If it's gone in the morning, I'll know you read it!

LOVE FROM PLANET EARTH,

Your sister, [static]

[Song continues:

If you move away

I won't write you

And if you move away

I won't call

If you move away

I won't hate you,

I just won't think about you at all.]

Dear [static],

So you didn't see my letter. That's fine. I'll make a bigger circle this time. Stanley's gonna help me steal a tractor and- oh, right. He told me the number one rule of doing crimes was not to tell people you're planning to do a crime. So, I'm not planning to do a crime. I'm planning to… Make a sandwich. A big sandwich I need to "borrow" a tractor for. To transport the bread towards the lettuce and such.

In other news, Stanley got his art school application back! He didn't get in. He said he was fine, but he played it in a minor key, so. You know. I told him that he's the greatest artist I've ever met and any art school would be lucky to have him. He's going to apply for other places. None of them are nearby.

Oh, and there's something I kind of wanted to talk to you about.

I'm just gonna say it. I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it I'm just gonna say it.

No I'm not. 

Yes I am! I'm just gonna say it. It's not even that hard. It's not like I have to look you in the eye or anything. Maybe this is the one good thing that came out of your disappearance. No, that's terrible, I don't mean I'm glad you disappeared or anything, it's just- I think I'd be too scared to tell you in person, so I'm glad I get to write a letter. Okay, so here goes.

Actually, the night you disap- left, the night you left, I kind of know what happened. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop- well, I was, I had a cup up against the wall and everything, but I didn't actually need it in the end because the argument was pretty loud.

So, about what I think I heard-

Sometimes I wondered-

You know, looking back-

There's no easy way to ask this.

Were you-

Did you ever-

You could have talked to me. Maybe you didn't think I'd understand, but I wish you knew you could have talked to me. What I'm trying to say is, I think we're the same, or similar. I don't know. I'm not explaining this well. Let me start again.

Before I was born, did you think I was gonna be a boy or a girl? Did you, like… were you happy that you got a little sister? Or were you disappointed? I've been disappointed recently. I guess it started around the time of that haircut. It was a really bad haircut. Like, I can't stress enough how bad of a haircut it was. Or I always knew something was wrong, I felt it as this creeping sense of dread in the back of my mind, and I kept on pushing it away.

But everyone has those thoughts sometimes, though, right? It's natural to wonder what it would be like to live a different life. It's not as though I can actually ever- well, if there was a way to I'd take it, but- you know, it would make mum sad and I'd end up regretting it or worse, worse I'd just be happy. Wouldn't that mean my entire life up until now was a joke, if the answer had been so simple all along? I couldn't live as a happy person. I don't know any of their lingo.

I'm not trying to worry you. Most of the time I'm doing well. I guess not doing well, nobody can be doing well all the time, but fine. I've been fine. I'm fine until there's a moment with no chickens to feed or dishes to be done and it's quiet enough that I can hear my own thoughts. Then I just blink really hard until I'm fine again. Well, I guess fine isn't the right word either, not exactly, but- carrying on. I've been carrying on. I'll keep carrying on until one day I'll wake up and find I've disappeared. Then I'll walk right out of this town, through the nosy neighbours and the fields and the river and the mountains, and I'll come find you where you are.

Wait for me, okay? Don't run too far ahead.

[guitar instrumental]

DEAR HOSTILE ALIEN INVADERS! PLEASE STOP STEALING MY CORRESPONDENCE, IT IS PRIVATE! THERE ARE LAWS!

I KNOW YOU ARE NOT MY SISTER BECAUSE IF YOU WERE MY SISTER SHE WOULD HAVE COME AND SAID HI AND THEN TAKEN ME TO SPACE WITH HER AND I WOULD BE AT A JAZZ RAVE ON THE MOON INSTEAD OF WRITING THIS ANGRY LETTER.

Okay, well, you're an alien, so I can't expect you to understand every human custom, but please bear in mind for next time that you shouldn't take a letter that isn't for you. If you want to make it up to me, please deliver the letters (including the one written below) to my sister. She is in space somewhere. You'll be able to recognise her because she is funny and good at chess and probably wearing a minecraft hoodie. Please don't make me explain what Minecraft is, I don't have that much paper.

The following message is for HER, so PLEASE DON'T READ IT OR I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION. Thank you very much.

Dear [static],

Our crop circle worked! The letters I left in the field were gone by the morning, so obviously the aliens took them! I told them to deliver my letters to you. If you're reading this, then you're probably already on your way. I'm so excited for you to meet Stanley!

Love, and see you soon, 

[static]

[glitchy guitar instrumental]

Dear [static],

I still haven't gotten any reply to the last letter, so obviously you haven't received it yet. I guess it takes long enough for the post to arrive on earth, so spacemail must be even slower. Oh my god, I'm gonna be like eighty by the time it arrives. My eyesight will be so bad I'll have to get one of my grandchildren to read it. Don't write anything you don't want them to see! Just kidding. I eat a lot of potatoes, so my eyes will be fine. Or was it carrots that are supposed to be good for your eyesight? I guess I'll find out in 50 years.

Anyway, anyway, I know you're probably annoyed about me sending you more mail before you even got the chance to reply to the last batch, but I'm just writing this in case I wrote the address wrong and it got lost. Also because I have BIG NEWS.

I told Stanley I was gonna go live on the moon and that I probably needed a Moon Name to fit in with the locals. He said that to decide on a good moon name he needed to know what kind of culture the moon has. I was like, well, on the moon everyone is really nice to everyone else, and they sing songs and braid each other's hair and play the moon banjo, and of course anyone can be named anything they want because it's that kind of a place. So he said alright, how about Jeremy? And I said, well, maybe not Jeremy. I really wanted to choose a strong, American name in remembrance of my time in Idaho. We brainstormed for three hours and we came up with Hamuel Alvin Pickles Burger. Isn't it beautiful? If it's too much of a mouthful, you can just call me Ham for short. Cool nickname, right? I'm pretty proud of it! I've never had a nickname before! [static] is kinda hard to shorten. 

PLEASE GET HERE SOON OR IF YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY ALREADY PLEASE SEND A SIGN THAT YOU GOT MY LETTERS. It doesn't have to be a big sign, just a meteor or something, but please send one!

Love,

Hamuel Alvin Pickles Burger (the first to ever do it)

[static]

Hiiiiii it's me again! Seriously, if you're getting these, LET ME KNOW. 

[static]

It's scary not hearing from you. Did I buy the wrong stamp? 

[static] 

Hellooooooooooooo? Is there anybody out there? Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo? 

[static]

Snow snow snow snow snow

Cold cold cold cold cold cold cold

I hate Idaho

Please reply to this. I'm going crazy.

[static]

Hi again. Sorry for all the letters. 

What was it that made you finally decide to leave? What if I hadn't burnt your birthday cake, or I'd listened closer when you tried to explain that weird webcomic you were into, or I hadn't messed up your Animal Crossing island because I was mad at you about something I don't even remember anymore? What if we hadn't stopped talking when dad left and I got older and you got sad and the leak in the hallway just kept dripping and dripping even after the rain had long since passed? If I'd been different, if I'd tried harder, if I had just been better, would you have taken me with you?

You're dead, aren't you? I have to believe you're dead, because what's the alternative? You just hate me? 

If that's the case, don't worry. I won't bother you again. After sending this letter, I'll turn my eyes away from the sky forever and dedicate the rest of my life to potato farming. If a potato had dropped on Isaac Newton's head instead of an apple, I don't think it would have inspired him to create gravity. If Mary Shelley had dreamed of a potato, she wouldn't have written a novel about it, she would've just gone back to sleep. If Michelangelo had painted a potato on the ceiling, he would've been kicked out of the church for sacrilege. Is that the fault of the potatoes, or the fault of our society for not valuing the humble tuber in the way it deserves to be valued? If I haven't found my life purpose in potatoes yet, maybe I'm just not looking hard enough. 

Anyway, it was nice knowing you, sorry it didn't work out, I wish you good luck in your future endeavours, think of me sometimes when you're looking down on the earth, or don't, it really doesn't matter either way, if you're ever in town let's just pretend we don't know each other, okay that's all, goodbye forever. 

[pause]

[spaceship landing sounds]

IS THAT A FUCKING SPACESHIP?!

CREDITS

This episode of Hamuel Burger and the American Dream was written, voiced and edited by Spikes Parker-Bennett. The insert song was CF by tiny folk. That's it, that's the episode.

[Song continues:

If you move away

I won't write you

And if you move away

I won't call

If you move away

I won't hate you,

I just won't think about you at all.]

[click, like a radio turning off]

<== ==>

[here4dragons]

oh hair dryer warmed blankets we are rlly vibing rn mmhmmmm <3

[nthflower]

Wtf is that. Thank you Tumblr.

[homestucky]

anxious bcaus 

1) my friend asked me ‘have you ever written fanfiction?’ then gave me A Look. i dont talk to any of my irl friends at uni abt anything i do along those lines. fanart. tumblr.whatever. and yeah ive written 1 (ONE) fanfic in my life but. im very awkward and i dont want irl people to know in general and she gave me That Look like she knew and idk how she would know but. made me anxious. shes cool tbh like she would be a hater im just. private person. maybe i just give off that vibe of someone who would write fanfiction idk

uhh there was other stuff hence the list but i ceeb to go into it

BUT also i did a rlly tough workout today and i survived!! im very sore but! heck yea

so pros and cons

also if u know me irl, UNLESS  you are someone i KNOW knows me on here ( you know who u are), pls just forget this url and leave it like no fun will come out of this i just rant and cry here and also talk about a comic u dont read!! just being paranoid but. u kno

[mycasualcollectionpersonwor-blog]

Waooow

Waooow

[coolmkaworld]

[totallyfreshland]

:O