out to dry.
@idjaehyun, kcon, saturday after the performances have wrapped ( event )
lately, san’s been drifting. it’s a listless thing. lost in schedules, and no anchor to tie him down. he just drifts higher. almost out of reach, mind fraying near the edges. it could be due to olympus’ latest promotional run. san’s schedule has been completely packed for months now. and he hasn’t been all too happy with his styling. keeps jamming on hats, hoods, hiding himself away like he might be able to disappear. fade out from a boy and into a ghost. and things have been bad with jaewon lately, again. picking up right where they left off a good year or more ago. like he had never stopped to begin with.
san still has the weight of their conversation on him from earlier. it presses at his shoulders, makes him want to collapse. he’s learned to face jaewon over the years, but that doesn’t diminish the genuine fear that sparks up whenever they end up at odds with each other, descend into confrontation. and then there’s the fact that san’s developed a very bad habit of turning jaehyun into an anchor. something to keep him grounded. usually that’s fine. he’s been a constant presence in san’s life from the moment they ended up shoulder to shoulder in the hallways of midas. san’s throat raw, jaehyun’s hands gentle.
but then titanium had debuted. then jaehyun had disappeared. a one-two hit and it left san stumbling into something depressive. anxiety festering underneath his skin like an old wound. a couple of messages stacked up in their kakao chat. all of them read. all of them unanswered. it’s not fair for san to be worrying about it. he’s done it to jaehyun more than once. has done it to a great many people more than once. san’s specialty, after all, is running. running and then changing his mind, storming the castle walls once again. fire and ice, without much middle ground to spare.
he knows it’s disorienting. knows that putting up with him can be a struggle. still, jaehyun always has. and san’s not quite sure what he’s gone and done. if it has to do with titanium. if it has to do with olympus. if it has to do with jaehyun finally figuring out that there’s not much besides false promises and flaking gold to midas’ self-proclaimed golden boy.
san’s so strung out, so desperate and wrapped up in anxiety over the whole situation, that when he finally spots jaehyun he pushes his way up to him, reaches out to grab at the other’s wrist, pulls his attention. “hey. hyung? can we talk?” san presses his lips together, shoots jaehyun a look. the kind that reads stubborn, despite the paranoia lurking just behind it. the kind of expression that means he won’t take no for an answer without kicking up a fuss. he tugs, once, an attempt to get jaehyun to pull himself away from the rest of his group, managers, to follow him toward somewhere a little more secluded.
“what did i do?” he finally asks when they’re out of earshot. san swallows down the crack in his voice.